So, today, was another pretty good day. Got a text from 'da boss lady last night, asking if I could a couple of things in Lancaster Co for her today, and I did them, but before I did that, my room mate took me over to the DMV (which in my mind is what Hell will be like for me) and I turned in my MD driver's license, and was granted a PA one. Then, I had an appointment for a DELUXE Pedicure...which means a WHOLE hour of massages and a paraffin wax dip for my feet...oh, and they used hot rocks too...what a luxury for me. The best thing about that was that even though we had a nasty thunderstorm tonight, I did not feel it coming on, as I usually do.
I've been thinking a lot today too, about last night's posting, about feelings and control, and while I think that the truth is that you can't control your feelings, you can control what you do about them, and how you allow them out...I don't think you should hold them in, and I've done that for years. As a matter of fact, my children didn't even know that I cried, because I never wanted to scare them, and I thought that crying was a weakness inside of myself, so I fought it like it was a terrible thing. I have barely cried in years, and by years, I mean almost 20 years. I've decided that it makes me more weak by not allowing myself to actually FEEL what I am feeling. In a lot of ways that scares me more than stuffing those feelings down the back of my throat or to the back of my mind. I also think that it allowed me to allow others to cross boundaries that, maybe I shouldn't have allowed them to cross.
So, tonight, I'm also thinking about control. I've been called a control freak by many...and in some cases, I think that they are right, but the truth is that the only person that I can control is myself. That means, making myself get up, get out of bed, and get moving every morning, and not allowing myself to get back in my bed until it's time to go to bed. I love my bed...truly, but it's becoming a downfall for me. Work is good for me, as long as I don't over do it, and I've been afraid to do too much, because I've been told by too many doctors and a husband that I CAN'T do whatever it was that I wanted to do, so, no more. If I feel that I can do it, I'm going to do it, and if it doesn't cause more pain, or won't hurt my implant, then, I'm going to do it. Hurting the implant would be a terrible thing, because if it has to be replaced, then it's another 16 weeks of bed-rest, and then I'd right back where I am now.
I think when you are the mother of 5 kids, and the wife of a paramedic, you have to have control and discipline in your life, or the kids will take over, and then the parent is impotent to do what must be done. I wasn't about to allow kids to get the better of me, and tried to make sure that I was at least 10% smarter than they were, however, when my docs started taking out body parts and adding others, they put me on heavy, heavy duty narcotic pain meds. It took me 2 years to fight my way back off of them, and although I still take a narcotic pain med and a muscle relaxer, it's nothing compared to what I was taking. Trust me, Methadone isn't something they give out to just anyone, and you don't just go off of that one cold turkey...heck, it's the same thing that they give heroin addicts to kick that awful habit. So, yeah, I had to have control around me. However, being a control freak isn't always a bad thing either, because we were always where we needed to be on time, with everything that we needed, when we needed it. I controlled our family calendar, and I controlled the way the kitchen was set up. Maybe I did freak out when I went away for a weekend and I came home, and my whole kitchen was re-arranged, and the "reason" for that was "to make it easier for YOU, honey"...REALLY? I raged about it, because if someone wants to make something easier for someone else, then they don't wait until that person leaves and then does whatever they want...it was a slap in my face...AND it said to me..."YOU don't do this the way that I think you should do this, and THIS is the way that I want it done". It also said that what I was doing wasn't good enough. So when people ask me why I have such rage over something that sounds so stupid, it's truly because I felt that the one person who promised to love me, cherish me, and protect me for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part, didn't think that I was good enough, and was actually doing things that made that quite clear, and what was worse, is that I allowed it. That kind of makes me angry at myself. A lot angry at myself. However, when I also think about it, it means that I have the opportunity to change it, and change it, I will. I'm going to figure out what I am willing to compromise about and what I am not willing to compromise over. There have to be deal breakers in life. I also have to know and make myself KNOW that I am worth it, and that I am good enough, and in some ways, I'm even too good for some people, and that's what makes them want to push me down, and make me do things their way, because they are the ones who cannot compromise and keep their promises.
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