2013 is ending

Hello all of my readers:

As 2013 comes to a close, I want to re-cap a bit about my life, and how I've done this year.  All in all, it's been a pretty good year.  It started off a bit rocky, as my divorce went final at the end of 2012, and I was still a bit depressed about that.

During the 2 years that the ex and I were separated, I was able to do a lot of self-exploration, and figure out who I was, without the trappings of full time mother and full time wife.  Going through my mind, and my vision of myself, there was a lot of growing and changing to do.  I had to re-evaluate who I was as a human being, and where I wanted to go.

2013 was the year that I got a lot of my crap together, and figured out what I wanted.  Not what others wanted for me, or what I thought would make other people happy with me, or what I thought they wanted from me.  It was a year of deciding that what I wanted for my life mattered, who I wanted to be mattered, what others thought of me didn't.

So, I got myself out of the depression with a lot of hard work, got to working full time, started a new business venture, and a new love life.  2013 saw me starting my new life.  I worked at a cemetery, and loved my job there, met a man, traveled to Arkansas for my second son's wedding, traveled to Hawaii to visit my sister-from-another-mister and her family, moved to Frederick, started a new job at a restaurant, and spent the holidays with the new man, and my family.

Our house, here in Frederick, has shaped up and looks great.  We still haven't finished the basement, but we'll get to that soon enough.  Christmas has been celebrated, and the New Year is soon to come.  My daughter will turn 21 on New Year's Eve, and we'll have some company that day!  Can't wait.

2014 should be a good year.  I'm still looking for full time work, and am going to look into some of the cemeteries near here, but I like the part time job.

I wish all of you the best of everything in 2014.  Thanks for reading my posts. It's great to know that y'all are there.

Good Bye 2013!!!

What If?????

For the past couple of days, I've been thinking about the words: "What If".  Two simple words; what and if, however; when put together to form a question, they're pretty powerful words. The problem with those two words is that there's never really an answer to them.  Yesterday was a rough day, and my daughter keeps asking herself this question of "what if I hadn't been in the shower and had answered my phone that awful day two years ago"?  I cannot answer that question for her and know that to try to answer it would be foolish.

I tend to ask myself the same question, over and over about various things. What if I didn't get depressed, what if I was a different person, what if, what if, what if?  I think that those two words can lead me off into a totally different world of regrets, admonishments, and self-loathing. So, what if I hadn't made all of the decions that I have made in my 47 years on this planet?  I'm going to answer it today. I would not be the person that I am, I would have the knowledge that I have acquired, and I wouldn't have the people who are a big part of my life. So, what if seems to me to be a big reason for my own depression. I choose to live without regrets and I choose to live a happier life. I choose to be thankful. To hell with "What If"!!!!

Past and Present

Today is a day of memories.  It is the 2 year anniversary of the passing of my daughter's best friend, and I am grieving his loss as well.  It doesn't seem as though he's been gone this long, and then other days, it feels like forever.  It is so difficult to watch my daughter grieve as well.  She's having a rough day, that started last night, and has been spending the day with me. I think about wanting to take the pain away from  her, but then I think that she can't grown and learn unless she goes through the pain.

Also, October 31 marked the 1 year anniversary of my divorce.  What a difference a year makes.  WOW, is about all I can say.  This time last year, I was feeling really sad and was still depressed.  Now, I'm in such a better place.  I've grown a lot in the past year.  I've discovered that I am happy with myself, with who I am, who I struggled to become, and where I am going in my life.

I find that once I got myself together, other areas of my life started to come together as well.  I'm now in a healthy relationship, with a man who loves me, and wants to build a life with me.  We live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, where I feel safe.  There have been some struggles, and we will have struggles, but we haven't turned on each other, or away from each other.  We know that there will always be people who don't agree or appreciate where we are, but then again, there are those who love and support us too.  So, life is good.

Even in the memories, I am content, and isn't that what we all want?

New Life

As I sit here this afternoon, I have to say that I've had some interesting thoughts.  While this move has been a good thing for me, and for my relationship, it has come at a price.

I am really missing my Momma P, my Pap, Rachel, and Abby today.  I'm used to being surrounded by friends and family.  I miss being able to walk up the stairs and have mom and pappy, or Rachel there to talk to, and I miss walking out onto the front porch, and having Abby there to talk to.

The house is beautiful, and I am sitting in the family room right now, looking at the photo wall that Boyfriend and I created, and am thinking about every person on the walls, even the ones that I don't know, and I think that these are the people with whom we have shared our lives.  We're combining our lives now, and for the most part, we've introduced the other partner to our "important" people.  There are some who won't be introduced any time soon, and that is by their choice.  I can't help but feel sad about that, but it is not my place to step in, either.  It has to be done in their time.  I'm patient.

Day To Day

We're settling into the day to day routine of living in the new house.  I think that I've been a bit spoiled by the government shut-down.  While it was a stressful time for us, it happened at a good time for us as well.  The schedule in the past couple of months have allowed us the time to spend together.  After my 10 days in Hawaii, he was on leave, then spent one day at the office, had 5 days in VA for a class (where I had the time to go down with him for a few days), and then we moved, and he had one day at the office again, and then the shut-down.  So, basically, he's been able to be home with me for the past 2 months.  I've loved every minute of it.  The shut-down happened at a good time, at least for the ability for us to get a lot of work done in the new house.

Today is his first day back at the office and I find myself feeling a bit lonely.  I've had time to clean up a bit, just basic house cleaning, and to crochet, which I haven't had time to do, and I miss crocheting this time of year.  I have a new cross stitch to get ready to work on, and a couple of other crafts that I want to get to, and I'm pretty good company.  But, today, it's just weird that he's not here today.  Even the dog is missing him.  Sigh...

I'll get used to being here on my own, and I'll start looking for a job here shortly, but right now, there's need to be home, and to take care of the house, and getting Libby used to being here.  She's doing pretty well.  She's making "friends" with the other dogs in the neighborhood.  Two of the dogs are quite friendly with her, and one of them, actually will bark for her if she's not outside.  When I let her out, and he's not outside, she'll sit by his fence and whine for him.  I think it'll take about 2 weeks before he figures out that he can jump the fence and hang out with her!

I'm making friends in the neighborhood as well.   I'm finding that the neighbors here are very friendly.  I was worried, and quite anxious, about meeting them.  It could have been very awkward, being the "New" Girlfriend, but the neighbors have been very nice to me, and one of them and I talk over the back fence, and I enjoy her, another neighbor heard me playing Ruzzle and now, she and I play against each other.  So, I suppose my anxiety was for naught.

So, I'm getting used to the day to day routine.  Tomorrow, I'll tackle the bathrooms again!

The BASEMENT

Yesterday, GB and I put up our photo wall in our Family Room.  It is FANTASTIC!  I love having a huge wall for us to put photos of the people that we love, who love us, and who share our life!  It is an amazing sight!  Two people with differing levels of OCD probably shouldn't try to do a project of this magnitude, but we did, and we succeeded!

Today, I went through our Cozi app on my laptop, and got a master grocery list put together.  It's nice to have an App that will do that, and send the list to both of our phones.  This way, if one of us is out, then we can just check the list, and pick stuff up.  Next thing to do is to get my Sam's Membership back.  I miss shopping there.

We also found and hung up my dry erase stuff, which means that I can plan menus again, and figure out what we need when we use the grocery shopping list on the Cozi App.  I love organization, and need to be organized, or stuff will just never get done.

Today, GB has been working in the basement to get it all cleaned out, as tomorrow is Bulk Trash Pick-Up in our neighborhood.  Hoping to get all of the trash out of there, so that we can get it cleaned up as well.  He doesn't think that he's done a whole lot down there, but I can see a big difference.  At least now, most of the stuff has been gone through, and he can decide what to do with it.  My thought, BIG DUMPSTER!  Either way, I'm just going to encourage him to keep going down there.  I feel badly that I'm not too much help down there, right now, because there is SO much stuff that needs to be decided upon, and it's just not my place to make those decisions.  I'm also very overwhelmed every time I go down there.  To say that it is FULL of stuff is NO understatement.  I'm not sure why it wasn't packed up and moved, but now, we have to take care of it, and since it's been abandoned here, we have to deal with it.  UGH!

The house is now starting to look the way that we want it to look.  I'm surprised at how well our stuff goes together.  It's starting to look like a home that showcases each of us.  I just feel that a home should reflect the people who live in it, both of us, in our case, need to be represented.  It's coming along.  Besides, making a home is never finished, people evolve, things change, tastes change.  Can I just say that I can't WAIT to paint in here, and get rid of the baby poop yellow on the walls?  Spring can't come fast enough for us to be able to do that!

Hope that y'all have had productive weekends as well!

It has come to my attention

It has come to my attention, from a comment left on yesterday's blog post that I have supposedely been attacking my boyfriend's ex-wife. It was stated, by her, that I have been posting mean, vindictive, and slanderous accusations towards her. I have read through my blog, and I don't see a single thing that could, by law, be considered any of those things. Whomever the "bird" is who is feeding false information is incorrect. I say show me the proof!  You have opened this can of worms and I will always defend myself against your attacks. I deleted your postings because I felt the need to protect you from the comments of those who actually know me and love me, who spend time with me and share my life. I have been nothing but gracious and understanding when it has come to his relationship with you, and I have supported his being there for you and his visits with his grandson, that have included you.  You have done nothing but use my relationship with him against him. You have chosen to be ugly and vindictive. He has told me the truth of the reasons for his marriage to you ending, including the fact that he is no saint, and I believe him. I don't think my life with him is perfect, nor do I expect it to be. I expect him to be fallible, just as I am. I still wish you no ill will and just want for you to maybe take some time, examine yourself, and move forward in a healthy manner. Your venomous attacks of me prove that you have not done those things. I'm sorry that you feel wronged, and that you have been hurt. I wish you well.

The Great House Clean Up of 2013

So, I haven't had time to write lately.  Things have been crazy at our new house.  We've been very busy cleaning up from the last occupant's messes.  It literally took me 5 days to clean a kitchen.  The only casualty was my right thumbnail.  UGH!  I hate it when my hands look terrible.  Had to go get them fixed last Wednesday, and now, they look much better.  Ahhh!  So, it amazes me that while we were doing all of this cleaning, that Boyfriend said to me that he now knows that I really love him....when asked why he said that, he said that most other women would have seen the mess that the house was, and would have said Heck No to the mess, and to him as well.  I'm not most women, and the truth is that he is worth so much more to me than the mess.  I have always been a bit of a fighter when it comes to those that I love, and this is no different.  If I have to spend 2 days cleaning a hall bath, 1 full day cleaning a powder room, 2 full days cleaning guest rooms, 2 full days on the living room and family room, then that's what it will take for us to make this house our home.  We have to live here right now.  There was NO WAY for us to have rented out this place, or to have sold it in the condition in which it was left.  Sad, if you ask me.  I am shocked at the condition the house is in, and that people would actually live like this.  I cannot say how shocked I am, in all truth, I don't think that there are words for how I'm feeling about this.  Just know that I love this man, have no culpability in the break up of his marriage.  He was separated 2.5 years before we met, his divorce was filed in December, 4 months before we met, and 5 months before we started dating, and there was another woman between the ex-wife and me.  I don't get what the issue is at this point.  My thought process is that it's past time to get over yourself, move on and get a life.  The only thing that I care about right now, is making this house into a real home, surrounding ourselves with family and friends; the people who love us, and building a strong foundation for our relationship, so that we can continue to love each other in the way that we love each other now.  I know that we both have to work at it, and want it.  We do. Therein lies the truth of the matter.

MOVING

So, a lot has happened this past Summer....I haven't had too much time to write on my blog, with the business of working full time, new boyfriend, family, and a lot of travel.

My son, Andrew, married back in June, to the most wonderful young woman.  They are an awesome couple, and I'm so proud of them.  Shayna is doing well, and is working full time, while going to school part time.  David is still in trouble, and we're praying for him.

New boyfriend and I are moving to Frederick, MD on Sept. 28th.  It's a wonderful thing.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the logistics of moving 2 separate apartments and combining our 2 households.  Then, once we get settled, I have to start looking for another job....hopefully, it won't take me too long to be employed again...and I'm looking for part time employment this time.  I love being a home-maker again, and having someone who appreciates my efforts.

I just got home from a 10 day trip to Hawaii, to visit my Sister-from-Another-Mister, and had an awesome time.  Hawaii is beautiful, and I'm already missing Jennifer!  I'm also struggling a bit with jet lag, and I just want to sleep...but know that if I sleep during the afternoons, I won't sleep at night, and need to get back on my East Coast schedule.

I hope that y'all are doing well and have had great Summers as well.  Fall is on it's way, and it's really showing here in South-Central PA!

New job starts on Monday

It's my last weekend before the new job starts.  I'm worried about the new frontier that I'll be heading into.  It's not as if I've never held a full time job before; however, I haven't worked full time in almost 15 years....I worked MORE than 40 hours a week as a mother, wife, and employee.  I've held part time jobs for the past 15 years, and have been able and fortunate enough to have worked around my children's school schedules, including having most summers off, so that I could stay home with them.  It was a joy and a privilege to be their mother.  Now, however, it's time for their mom to start doing some things for just herself.  Being a full time student and going back to college was a huge step for me.  A step that I am fully proud of, and thrilled that I'm doing as well as I'm doing with that endeavor.  I am sure that I will do the same with this new one as well.  I've always been a survivor, and that's just what I'm doing, surviving, and making the best of what I've been given.  It just gets to me, though, that at this time in my life that I HAVE to do these things.  I didn't ask for this lot, but I've been given it, and I will succeed, because I have to and because I want to.  I have never been one to do things half way, and this is no different.  If I can't give my best effort to it, then I shouldn't be doing it anyway.  So, I'll say it again, "Look out world!  Here I come, and just watch me be better than anything that my ex says that I would be"!

Trust

I think that trust is a big deal.  Call me crazy, but I think that if there's no trust, there cannot be anything else.  There can be no love relationship without trust.  I have a very difficult time trusting people anymore.  I find that most people are not trustworthy.  It just seems to me that most people don't care about my feelings, at least not as much as I care about theirs.  I find it frustrating, and find that I know that while they are being untrustworthy, I'm being trustworthy.  Then, that makes me feel stupid, because I trusted that person with my feelings, with my heart, and all they do is step on both.  Makes me wonder what is wrong with me, and truth is that it's not that the problem is with me, my only mistake was trusting the wrong person.  I refuse to be put in that place again, I refuse to be that vulnerable again.  I don't want to trust anyone until they make it clear that they are worthy of my trust.  Don't ask me to trust you until you prove to me that I can trust you.  Until then, hell can freeze over before I will trust you.  I guess that is just something that the people in my life will have to deal with.

Formal Employment

Today, I got the best news that I could hear.  I have had two interviews with Susquehanna Memorial Gardens and Mt. Rose Cemetery, had to go through background checks, both criminal and driver's license, and a pre-employment drug screen.  I wasn't expecting the results of all 3 of these to be back so soon, and neither was my new employer.  It seems as though I've passed everything with flying colors, and am now a new Family Service Counselor there.  Whoo Hoo!

Now, I'm doing a happy dance, but truthfully, deep down, I'm concerned about working full time again.  It's been a long time since I've worked full time, and then this job is fully commission...can I do this?  Is it possible?  What about school?  Can I handle both school and working full time?  I'm about to have a melt down over this...I expected it to happen, but this is really hitting me quickly too.  It's strange to be so excited about a new venture, and then be apprehensive about it all at the same time.

So, wish me luck, and hope and pray that my nerves calm down.  I'm sure that I'll be ok, and that this new venture is going to work out just fine.