So, I'm getting ready to go to bed, and every night, I walk the dog, smoke my last cigarette, and then take my meds. For those of you who don't know, I do believe in better living through pharmaceutical means. And tonight, I'm thinking I did good today. Even though I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for 3 years, I got up, after 4 hours of sleep, got dressed, and went to work. Went to work looking like sheer hell, with my eyes all swollen from a night of no sleep and crying...but I went, I did.
It was a struggle to just get out of bed. It is every morning. I hate depression, and I hate pain, and I live with both every day. It's a scary place in my brain, and some times, scarier than others...last night, was a bad, bad night. I'm still a bit weepy, but that's ok.
My best friend sent me this thought tonight in a text message: "We have no control over how we feel. We can only control how we behave and react to those feelings." I'm sure he heard it on some talk radio show that he likes to listen to as he's driving his truck, but it makes sense to me. I'm sure it did to him too, which is why he shared it with me. I know that I can't control HOW I'm feeling, but I can control what I do about it...and so, today, I am moving forward. Might just be baby steps, but at least, it's forward motion. I'm working on me...it's not easy to start over, not when you're my age, and a bit of a control freak, and this wasn't in my plan...I also know that God's in control, but the other truth is that I REALLY wish that He'd let me in on the big secret, because truly, I don't know how strong He thinks I am, but I'm gonna break soon if something doesn't give.
So...moving forward...that's the new name of the game...even if it means that I have to force myself to get out of bed, to go to work, to eat (some days, even that's a challenge). Get it done.
Blogging will help, too. It's like therapy, except in your pajamas. :)
ReplyDelete"We have no control over how we feel. We can only control how we behave and react to those feelings."
ReplyDeleteThis resonates with me, but not for the reason that you think. Emotions are important. They are feedback about our world. Anger is our emotional system telling us that someone has physically, emotionally, or even spiritually crossed a boundary. It is important to examine our feelings, and find the root of them, and then to determine the message that they are trying to send us. When we ignore them they will only grow into something bigger, which with is frequently rage. The trouble with rage is that it is the outcome of many different emotions when we ignore them.
I have many resources on this sort of thing, and it is something I am very actively exploring right now. Much of the work I am doing is centered around using the horses as a catalyst for exploring the emotions and how to process them, but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable for others. I have quite a list of books if you're interested in doing some reading.
*HUGS*