Wondering how strong God really thinks that I am.

I hear all the time that God won't give us any more than we can handle.  Well, the truth is that I want to know how strong God thinks that I am.  I am about at my breaking point, and just don't think that I can handle another thing.  I'm also getting tired of people telling me that I'm such a strong woman, that I can keep going like this.  Truth is that I'm not that strong, and I really just want someone to put their arms around me, let me cry, and say "here, hon, why don't you let me carry this burden for you".  That's what I really want.  I don't see that happening any time soon, so I suppose that I'll just have to keep being strong, and getting myself through this stuff.  


I know that I have awesome friends and family who support me and love me, but there's something about having a special someone in your life who will hold you, and help to carry your burdens with you.  I'm missing that very much right now.  


Problems with my son have gotten worse...ER trip last night, that I didn't find out about until this afternoon, then had to deal with his C and Y caseworker, as well as this JPO, and then to cap it all off, we had Parent/Teacher conferences tonight.  Good news:  His teachers all like him, and think that he's a great kid, who is respectful of them, and is really smart.  Bad news:  He is absent a lot, AND doesn't turn in his work.  So, because of those 2 bad things, he's failing all of his classes EXCEPT for welding!  Go figure, the kid is a hands on learner.  So, long story short, he has A LOT of work to make up, and still may not pass this semester.  GREAT!


Found out today that our cat, who was living with soon to be ex's friend, passed away last week, and NO ONE told either Shayna or me.  That was heart breaking news, as we both LOVED that kitty.   As I think about this, I understand why he waited to tell us, with the funeral being last weekend.  It was still rough to get that news this evening on the way to my son's parent/teacher conferences.  


So, at this point, I guess that I'm just going to have to keep muddling through. Yes, I'll make it, if nothing else, I'm a survivor.  Always have been a survivor, always will be.  It's just rough having to do it all alone.  

A year sure changes things

As I drove to Maryland this afternoon, I was thinking, as it's a 2 hour drive, and I was by myself, so I had some time.  A year ago today, I was a happily married woman.  It wasn't until Friday, that my whole world came crashing down around my head.  But that Thursday night, a year ago,  I was happy and married.  It will be a full year, tomorrow, that my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore, and wanted a divorce.  That was the first time that he'd said anything like that to me.  We were at a Family Life Marriage Conference.  But the night before, I knew nothing was going on.  


So, because I knew nothing, I was ignorant in my bliss.  I thought that my husband loved me, and our family, and the life that we had built and were still building for ourselves.  


Now, a year later, and I am sitting at my computer, on the eve before my daughter's best friend's memorial service, and I'm just sad.  I've learnt a lot in this past year.


I've learned not to take people for granted, as they can be taken away in a single moment.  I've learned to love those around me.  I've learned to just be in the moment, and enjoy the moment, and stop worrying about tomorrow so much, because the truth is that more than 2/3's of what I worry about never comes true anyway.  I've learned that I do really like myself, and am comfortable in my own company.  I've also learned that I really do want to be in a relationship at some point.  I've learned that it's OK to cry, and that crying in and of itself is a release, and that release is necessary.  I've learned that I like the truth, and prefer to hear it, in all of it's forms than any kind of lie.  I've learned that I'm not perfect, not that I ever thought that I was, but it was kind of an epiphany, after the separation, and it's OK to not be perfect either.


I've also learned what I want in a future relationship, and that I'm really not willing to settle for any less.  I want to be someone's first priority, as it should be, I want to know that my significant other really loves me above all others (children, notwithstanding), and that he'd protect me, love me, and allow me to be me.  I want someone who will accept that I am a flawed human being, and still love me anyway, without trying to change me.  These are no longer negotiable, as far as I am concerned.  


So, a year later, and I'm still alive, even though, at the time, I thought that this news would surely kill me, that I am OK without a husband, and that I'm going to make it through all of this. 

Thankful Thursday #3

It's Thursday...and today, I am thankful for dear friends who will babysit my dog for me while I am away this weekend.  


I am thankful for all of the support that has been given to Shayna and me in our time of sorrow and loss of her dear friend.


I am thankful for a place to live, and friends where I can stay if I want to or need to.


I am thankful for those who love me, even when I am unlovable.

It just happens to be Wednesday

Today is Wednesday 11-16-11.  That doesn't say a whole lot, does it?  It's been a very crazy week, and it's still not over yet.  It's just going to get busier and crazier.  I suppose that I'm ok with that, as busier and crazier keeps me from thinking too much, but thinking isn't always a bad thing either.  Maybe I should think a bit more.  I need to make decisions, important decisions in the next couple of months, and therefore, I need to have a clear mind.


However, the rest of this week will include getting my hair colored...as I've gotten a wild hair up my behind, and plan on coloring it burgundy with purple in the back, where the pink used to be.  Yeah, so I'm going through a bit of a rebellious stage again...I suppose ex's bringing a date to the memorial service on Friday has me a bit more rebellious than normal.  Also, what's the first thing that women change when we feel out of control...our hair!  So, therefore, I'm going to do it.


Then, I have to travel to Easton, MD on Thursday evening, to meet up with my daughter, and then the memorial service will be on Friday, my sister's wedding on Saturday, and then a lunch with some of the girls that also went to my Christian High School.  Can't wait to see the girls...that's for sure.  Am looking forward to my sister's wedding, and definitely NOT looking forward to the memorial service.  At least it will start the healing process for me and for Shayna.  That's necessary.  


So, let the craziness begin, I'm ready for it!

I love you more than my dog

So, this is the title of a book that I saw in Wegman's grocery store on Sunday.  I love you more than my dog.  Well, here's the truth...if I ever say that about another human being in my future, would someone please just slap me until I am stupid?  


The truth is that these days, I love my dog a lot more than I love most people.  Not saying that I don't love people, and there are those whom I love a lot more than I love my dog, but for the most part, people are crazy.  The other thing, is that I just don't think that a man will live up to my dog!  


Here's why:
1.) my dog loves me unconditionally
2.) my dog obeys my commands
3.) if I locked my dog and a man in my trunk for an hour, when I came back, my dog would be THRILLED to see me, I highly doubt that the man would!
4.) my dog is very helpful
5.) She snuggles with me without expecting sex
6.) She doesn't want any money from me.


So, there you have it.  I love my dog.  

Family

I was able to spend the day with Abby today.  She is Momma P's youngest daughter, and I guess more like a sister to me.  I love that.  I'm making my own family here.  That is a good thing.  It's rough having both of my own sisters living so far away.  I miss them, but the truth is that we've never been too close, and I have always wanted that.  I suppose the fact that there is a huge age difference between us that's part of the reason, as I was not living at home while they were growing up.  That makes me sad.


However, hanging out with Abby and Rachel shows me that I have sisters, who love and want to spend time with me.  I enjoy their company too.


Last night, I was also invited to spend Thanksgiving with people with whom I grew up.  I am going to go.  I can't wait to see everyone either.  So, I have a lot to look forward to, and that is a very good thing.

Hanging in

Today, I'm hanging in.  A lot has hit me about my daughter's friend's death, and I am missing him very much.  To know that he'll never come through my front door shouting "Hey Momma" again is breaking my heart.  


Shayna is finally at the anger stage with all of this, and that's a good thing, since it means that she's working through her grief.  I was actually happy to hear that.  I know that sounds crazy, but it's good for her to be angry.  I'm angry about it all too...


Tonight, I'm staying at my sissy's house.  I love Abby and Jeremy.  They are awesome to be with.  I just am really not ready to be alone right yet.  Thankfully, my friends and family are willing to put up with me.  


I'm also dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  We spoke on the phone last night, and I just asked him to please get the alimony paperwork started so that we could at least have something legal.  I'm actually hoping that new girlfriend will light a fire under his butt, and make him do it, because I am SURE that SHE doesn't like his being MARRIED to me, and turning HER into an adulterer!  So, here's to hoping that he'll get started on it.  For someone who wanted the divorce so badly, it is surprising to me that he hasn't done a darn thing on it.  Whatever...I'm not gonna do it!

Thankful Thursday #2

Today is Thursday....Thankful Thursday #2 this month.  So, today, I am thankful for my job, and the people that I work with.  I love that I work in a family business, and that the people with whom I work love me.  It's a really wonderful thing, knowing that.


I am also very thankful for the friends and family who have taken the time out to call either Shayna or me, and extend their love and support, during this time of grief for us.  I cannot express in words how much that love and support means to me, and the fact that so many of those people are my friends, and who are sending their love to my daughter.  


Y'all mean more to me than I can even say.  Thank you for being there for me, and for her.  Thank y'all for loving us, and for supporting us.  We love y'all too.

Comments

Somehow, my comment settings were blocked.  I've unblocked them.  Please comment if and when you'd like.  I'd love the feedback on my blog.  Thanks to everyone who follows me, and reads it.  Y'all keep me going.

Dealing

Today has just been my day to deal with things.  I just needed to have a full day to myself to not do a single thing, but be inside my head.  I was able to think some things through and have come to some conclusions.


1.)  I cannot control my soon to be ex husband.
2.)  I do not want to do so.
3.) He's an ass.
4.) I should have seen that years ago.
5.) I am a better person that he  ever thought that I was.
6.) I am worth so much more than he ever thought that I was.
7.) I am better off without him.
8.)  I do NOT want him back.
9.) He is low class in bringing a date to JC's funeral.
10.)  I'm done.


So...this gives me a new freedom, really.  I'm done...I am done hoping that he'll get his act together, as I know, now, that it won't happen.  I know that I was a good wife, an excellent mother, and a wonderful friend.  I will continue to be all of the above.


I am strong, I am fierce, I am wonderful, I am loving, I am kind, I am cute, I am fun, and I am woman!

Grief

Today, so much has hit me.  I am truly grieving, for a lot of things.  First off, for the loss of my daughter's friend, secondly, for the death of my marriage, and thirdly for the loss of being a full time mom.  


It just feels as though every step that I take forward, I've slid backwards about 5.  It's frustrating for me.  I know that there will be an end to the mourning and the grief, but for the next 24 hours, I'm going to allow the tears to come as they may.  I have a feeling that they'll be coming for awhile too.  Too much to cry over.


The loss of JC has been so shocking to so many people.  My daughter is a mess over it, and I'm at a loss for what to say to her, and can only listen, and love her through this.  His mother, my friend, is hanging in there, as only a strong woman can do.  She is strong, and she will make it through this.  It still doesn't stop my heart from breaking for her, and her husband, and their daughter.  I can't believe that I'll never see his smiling face again, and that he'll never walk through my front door yelling "Hey Momma" in his Eastern Shore accent, and that he'll never call my daughter again at 4 am, singing to her, or rapping to her, or quoting "Fishing in the Dark".  Shayna's tears tear me up, and it just kills me to not be able to take this pain away from her.


Then, after my soon-to-be-ex informed me that he was bringing a date to his Memorial Service, it dawned on me that I do not care what he does anymore, and I do not want anything to do with him.  I will take care of myself, as I have always done.  I know that I wrote about forgiveness the other day, but right now, I am so angry at him for so many things, and right now, I think he's the worst person on the face of the planet.  I absolutely do NOT want him back.  However, when the time comes, I will get mine, and I'll do it through the court system.

Insensitive?

What is the meaning of insensitive?  I'll tell you, it's a man, who is still married, who is planning on bringing his GIRLFRIEND to his daughter's best friend's funeral.  I am beside myself over this.  This woman does NOT know my daughter, nor does she know me, nor does she know this young man, and nor does she know his family.  She does NOT belong at this funeral.  Not only do I think that my soon to be ex-husband is wrong here, but it makes me wonder what kind of woman she is.  Would LOVE it if someone could answer this question for me.


I find this to be the height of selfishness, as he told me today that she would be attending to support HIM!  REALLY??????  SERIOUSLY????   What support does HE need?  Our daughter is DEVASTATED over this loss...I'm thinking that SHE needs all of his and my support.  


I don't care if he has a new girlfriend...I could CARE LESS about that...I don't want him anymore, and my mother taught me to give away my used toys, so, she's welcome to his selfish ass.  


But this funeral is for those who know this family, especially since this young man took his own life, it was tragic, and I think that the etiquette books are pretty clear about this kind of thing.  I'm thinking that Emily Post is rolling over in her grave right about now!  

losing someone you love isnt easy

today has been a rough day.  it started off wonderfully, and ended in hell.  afteer i dropped my daughter off at her place, a three hour drive home, i had a phone call from shayna, who was hysterical.  i could barely understand what she was saying.  when i got her calmed down enough to talk to me, she informed me that her best friend, jc shot and killed himself today.  my heart is fully broken for my daughter, as well as this young mans family.

for the first time in my life, i am at a complete and total loss for words, and do not know what to do.  there are no words of comfort in this situation.  how do you comfort parentss who have lost their only son to something that makes no sense?  i dont know either.l

Visit with my daughter

Tonight's post is in my daughter's favorite color, purple.  She's visiting this week, and I can't say how much I miss her when she's not here.  It was so strange going from being a full time wife and mother, to a complete empty nester, sans husband.  I'm still not used to not having her and the ex around all the time.  It can get a little lonely.  


I'm getting used to being on my own, but I don't particularly like it, and I really do not like sleeping alone.  Libby is good at sharing the bed, but truly, she doesn't cuddle all that well.  I miss spooning with someone.  I miss the extra body heat on my back, and someone's breath stirring my hair.  I miss waking up in the morning with someone yawning next to me.  There's so much that I miss.  I can't even think to type it all in.  


I'm learning that I don't NEED to have a man in my life to feel complete, and isn't that an awesome thing to learn?  However, I WANT a man in my life, someone who completes my sentences, who knows that when I'm sad, that I just need to cry it out, and not make me feel guilty for crying, or who doesn't feel guilty that I am crying.  Who can understand that I'm a complicated woman, who loves with everything that she has, good, bad, and ugly.  It's who I am, and I am proud of that.  I want someone who will accept me for who I am as well.  


I'm handling my bills, to the best of my ability at this time, with the tightness of my budget, and am trying to keep my head above water, but it looks as though I'll have to get a part time job to do that...on top of my other job...so, 2 part time jobs for me.  Dang...I was supposed to be able to take it easier at this point in my life, and at this age, especially since I don't have to support children anymore...but that wasn't to be.  At least not for the near future...or the far future, as far as I can see, anyway.  


So, I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm very much enjoying this time with Shayna.  She makes me smile...a lot, and we giggle together a lot too.  That's the best...when you realize that your children are adults, and now, you can change the relationship a bit, to be more like friends than parent and child.  It's so much nicer!

Forgiveness

Tonight, I'm thinking about forgiveness.  I'm kind of wondering what that means to people.  To me, it means not becoming bitter over something, and letting it go, but it doesn't mean that what the other person did was wrong, just that you are not going to hold onto it.  When we forgive someone, it isn't accepting their bad behavior, it's just not allowing them to rent space in your mind.  


I don't want certain people to rent space in my mind, or my heart, really.  So, here we go...I'm going to forgive my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  I'm not going to allow you to hurt me anymore, and I'm not going to allow you to have any space in my heart anymore either.  I'm going to let you go, and let you do your thing.  Just understand that this doesn't mean that you've gotten away with hurting me, it's just that I no longer wish to hurt you.  I don't wish to fight with you anymore.  I do not wish to be a part of your life either.  I am not going to be vindictive towards you any longer.  I'm going to walk away now.  Although, don't take this to say that I'm not going to fight for what is legally mine, as I will, that has nothing to do with whether or not I have forgiven you for hurting me in the way that you have hurt me, and know that when we go to court, I plan on winning.  


Know that I wish you every happiness in the world, and that I want you to be healthy as well.  I am just done now. I am tired.


I would like, however, for you to file for the alimony, as well as the divorce as soon as possible, as I'm done waiting for you to do it already.   You asked for the divorce, I moved you, you need to deal with the legal paperwork of it all.  I refuse to do that, and will continue to do so, as this was not my choice, and I'm no longer going to be doing the dirty work of our family for you.  


Good Luck to you, in finding what you really want in a wife, and truly, I am sorry that it wasn't me.  I forgive.