I'm still thinking about my feelings on things, and how I deal with them. For the longest time, pretty much all of my feelings came out as anger. I'm not exactly sure why that was, but I think it had to do with that was a feeling that I was comfortable with expressing. I didn't like to express sadness, and I certainly wasn't going to express that I was hurt, as that would have given someone else power over me, or put me in a submissive position or a sub-standard position, and it would make me vulnerable. Now, I'm thinking that it's not a bad thing to be vulnerable.
I still don't like it a whole lot. Vulnerability is a scary thing for me. It has never been easy for me to share my feelings with a lot of people, as I don't trust too many people to get too very close to me. Oh, I have friends, and I have family who love me, but they are few, those who have really seen me cry, or those that I have truly shown who I am. I don't really like to show others my weaknesses. I think that part of that has to do with the fact that I've always worked in "male related" jobs, such as the automotive business or in fire and ems. I couldn't seem weak, because then the men would either take advantage of me, OR worse, they'd not allow me to do my job! So, that leaves me in a rough spot, of not opening up, and not allowing people too close. I also think that it protects me from getting hurt, and really, in the long run, I end up even more hurt.
What I have figured out is that I am a work in progress. I'm still trying to figure some stuff out, and still trying to be the best me that I can be.
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