New Year!

Happy New Year to you and yours.  Thanks for making my 2011 a decent year.  As you all know, this has been a very difficult year for me.  With my husband asking for a divorce, and losing an extra kid, it's been a very rough year.  

As I sit here, at my computer and think back, I see so many struggles, but I also see some triumphs as well.  I've learned a lot this year.  A lot about myself.  I've learned that I am a strong person, and that what does not kill me, will only make me stronger.  

I am really missing being married tonight.  I don't know what it is.  I thought that I had made it through the holidays with grace, but today has been really difficult.  It's Shayna's birthday, and my husband is not here celebrating her turning 19, and there will be no one to kiss at midnight.  It just makes me so sad.  I don't want to be sad tonight.  I want to look at 2012 with expectation of goodness, and not sadness, but right now, I'm thinking about loss.  

I wish nothing but everything good for all of you.  I wish for happiness, good health, and love for each and every one of you.  I hope that your 2012 will be much better than 2011 has been!  Be safe tonight. 

After Christmas aftermath

This has been a crazy, but good week, for the most part.  On Monday, Shayna and I drove home from my mother's house, and it's nice to be home again.  The whole family was here when we got home, and it was awesome to be greeted by Momma P, Pap, Rachel, Dan, the kids, and then Wes, Abby, Jer, and their kids showed up, and then Dave and Alicia also showed up.  It was a whole houseful of people, and that is always awesome for me!


Tuesday was quiet, and then yesterday, I drove to Hershey to pick up Jonah for the day, night, and today Shayna and Jonah and I went to Hershey Park's Chocolate World.  LOVE it there.  After dropping Jonah off at his mother's house, I had to do 2 jobs, and on the way home from those, it started to snow.  I love the snow!  It hasn't started sticking yet, but it's still coming down and is picking up.


So, aftermath you ask?  Well...whenever my beautiful daughter comes to visit with me, her boyfriend starts all kinds of stupid crap, which then totally ruins the visit.  I'm almost at the point of saying to her that she just can't come visit me, as he is more important.  I'm so tired of his calling her names like: Slut, liar, and whatever else he says.  I'm so tired of his accusing her of sleeping with other men.  I'm so tired of his distrust of my daughter who is anything but untrustworthy.  I'm tired of his controlling ways, and fighting with her over HIM!  I don't think that they should be together until he can get over himself.  I don't want to get into the middle of their relationship, but the truth is that he makes me crazy.  He doesn't like her tattoos, he doesn't like her being off of the Eastern Shore, he doesn't want her to be with her family on her birthday, but HE is going to be working until 11:00 pm on New Year's Eve, and she wouldn't see him until after midnight...so I suppose that she's supposed to just sit at home, all by herself, ON HER BIRTHDAY, and wait for him....I think that it's bullcrap!  I'm done with it all.


Have I said lately that I don't like stupid drama?  If I haven't...consider this my saying it!

What a day!

Today actually started early for me.  I had to be up at 8:30, so that I could get on the road by 9:00, to go to the Eastern Shore of MD to pick up my daughter.  With all good intentions, I did set my alarm for 8:00...needless to say, I hit the snooze button one too many times, and ended up waking up at 9:00.  Not sure how I did it, but I had the car packed, and the tank filled up, and I was on the road by 9:30.  Whew!


I got to the shore by 11:25, and Shayna was late getting to the meeting spot.  So...that put me behind time by an hour...as she didn't get there until 12:15.  This always frustrates me, but I dealt with it, and once she got there, and we got her stuff packed into the car, we were back on the road by 12:30, to drive to Lynchburg, VA to my parent's house.


To say that the traffic on 95 South just South of DC was a nightmare of epic proportions is actually an understatement.  We literally sat in bumper to bumper traffic for 2 and 1/2 hours.  Now, I don't know WHAT it is about that stretch of Interstate 95, but it does NOT matter what time of day, or what day even, that one travels through there, but it it will ALWAYS be backed up...but today was worse than normal.  To take 2.5 hours to go only 50 miles is ridiculous, to say the very least.  I don't know what it is with people who do NOT know how to merge into traffic, and I don't know what it is with people who do NOT know how to allow others to merge into said traffic, but THAT is the sole reason for today's back-up.  


What should have been an 8 hour road trip turned into 10 hours.  We were 2 hours late for dinner...and dinner at my mom's is always a good thing...she's a much better cook than she was when I was growing up, and tonight's dinner was yummy....Baked Ziti....but my mom also adds meat to it, as in MY house, that's a meatless meal.  But I digress...once we got here, everything has been much less frustrating.


I usually dread coming to my parent's house, mainly because I know that there will be some kind of judgement, and tonight, was strangely different. Daddy did not ask about my divorce, for the first time since Kent asked for his permission to divorce me...Yes, I made Kent ask my dad's permission.  I thought that it was only fitting that since he asked my dad for his permission to marry me, that he should be asking for permission to divorce me as well, and as this wasn't MY decision, I wasn't going to be the one to tell my father, a first generation Italian American, who is also a professor at one of the country's biggest Christian colleges that I was getting divorced a second time.  


Mom has been in rare form lately, and has actually been pretty funny...I like it when she's like that...Shayna also helps to buffer against a lot of the judgement...as she's the only grandchild who is here this visit, as David isn't allowed to leave the state of PA.  So...it's always good to have at least one of my kids with me....they help!  


Two of my brothers live here, and both of my sisters, and my youngest sister's new husband will be arriving here tomorrow around 11 am, and that will also help take some of the pressure off of me.  YAY!  I'm looking forward to spending some time with 4 of my 5 siblings.  Yep, there are 6 of us, but my other brother is not well, mentally, and hasn't been home in years.  


Here's hoping that  y'all have a very happy Christmas.  I'm trying.

Move In Weekend

Momma P and Pap have moved into the new house with me.  Our other room mate is in Germany for the holidays.  I'm getting ready to travel to VA to my parent's for Christmas.  


My room is set up, and I still have to go back to my apartment one more time to pick up the rest of my things.  I can't wait until THAT is over.  My old room mate is crazy, and I can't wait to just be done with her.


Christmas is usually one of my favorite times of the year, but this year, I'm just not looking so forward to it at all.  It's the first year without the husband and the kids.  I really just don't have the Holiday spirit.  I would love to just go to sleep and wake up the day before New Year's Eve.  I am looking forward to that night.  We'll be having a house party at the new house, and a house full of people is just up my alley.  I miss all of the entertaining that Kent and I used to do.  I miss having a house full of kids and family, and friends.  


This year, it'll be a house full of friends..and that's good enough for me.  

Another step

Today, I took yet another step away from my husband.  I got a new cell phone and plan.  I know that that doesn't seem like a very big deal to most of you, but for me, it's a huge deal.  Not only do I have a new phone, but I also have a new phone number, and it's just mine.  I've always had joint accounts with the husband.  Now, the account isn't mine, I'm on Momma P's business account, but that's ok.  I'll be paying for it, on my own, and that's a big deal.  


I had to go to Easton yesterday for a doctor's appointment for my daughter.  The good news is that she doesn't have Lupus, as her allergist thought.  The bad news is that she has Excema, and it's a chronic skin condition, and it has now turned into Impetigo.  ICK!  However, while I was at the office, I stepped up on his scale to check my weight.  It was the first time that I've stepped on a scale without fear.  I am now down 58 lbs, from my weight of this time last year.  So, that averages out to a little more than a pound a week, and that's a good thing.  I'm noticing how much larger my clothing seems, and that feels REALLY good!  I bought a sweater at WalMart yesterday, and that was a size 16/18...from the regular woman's department...NOT the plus sizes.  WOW!  I'm thrilled!  I can't wait to try on some of my pants from about 6 years ago. I bet that they either fit me perfectly, OR are too big!  If they are too big, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I think a newer wardrobe might just be in the future for me.  


Her dermatologist also said that for the most part, my skin looks great, however, I have these 2 lighter toned marks under my left eye, and he says that they could be a sign of high cholesterol, so I'll have to get a doctor's appointment up here in PA, and get that checked out, but that also the removal of those 2 spots is covered by my insurance, it's a 30 minute surgery, and there would be little to no scarring.  So, I'm going to have those taken care of after the first of the year.  YAY!  I am a little bit vain when it comes to my face.  It's cute, and I'd like for it to stay that way.  

It's now mid-December

Today is December 13, 2011.  Wow...this past year has flown by...all of it.  I can't believe that it's now Mid-December.  I will be happy to say goodbye to this year.  I know that so many people get nostalgic around the holidays, and I am one of them, but this year, I am just not looking forward to Christmas.  I think most of my Christmas joy was killed by my soon to be ex-husband.  For so many years, it was like pulling teeth to get him to put up the lights, go and get a tree, decorate it and the house, and now, this will be the first Christmas as a separated woman.  I can't believe how very sad that I am about that.  It's also the first Christmas that I won't be with all of the kids and the grand kids.


So, this year, I'll be travelling to my mother's house, and spending the holiday with my original family.  My daughter is going with me, and she's the only kid that I'll be with this year.  I'm thankful for that much.  My 16 year has said one too many times that I am not his mother, and that I wasn't a very good mother.  So, I'm not going to reward his bad behavior towards me with a trip out of state.  My oldest step-son has shut me out of his life, and I called him on Thanksgiving, and left a message, since he didn't answer the phone.  I'll call him again on Christmas Day, and will probably end up leaving another message.  If I don't receive a call back, then I'll know to just give up on him too.  It kills me to think that I have to distance myself from two of my children, but right now, I need to surround myself with those who love me, and treat me with dignity and respect.  I haven't been treated that way in years.


I hate having to take myself out of people's lives, but the truth is that I just can't take the hurt and pain of not being good enough for those people.  If my best isn't good enough, then what the heck am I supposed to do?  And, to really question further, what exactly IS good enough?  What does that mean, exactly?  Does it mean that it's something inside of me, or is it that there's something inside of them that makes them think that my best isn't good enough for them?  I'm not sure anymore.  I used to think that it was some kind of fault in me, but then I think, wait a minute, we all have faults, and I am able to tolerate their faults, and live with them, and accept that it's how they are, so WHY am I supposed to be perfect?  It's not possible for anyone to be perfect, and it's certainly not going to happen with me, the perfection thing.  Trust me, I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girl friend, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and you know what?  I failed at it...so did every other person on this planet...so, I did what everyone else does, I did the very best that I could, with what I had to work with, and if that isn't good enough for some people, then to Hell with them.  


I should only have to please myself and God.  If I'm following His commandments, and I'm loving other people the way that God intended me to do, then why isn't THAT just good enough?  I think that it is.  I'm just hurting a lot these days, in thinking of what has been lost to me.  I shouldn't think about it, but I do, and I'm still in mourning over that loss.  I have come to grips with it, and know that I can't change the course of what happened, and, believe me when I say that I don't want my marriage to Kent back.  It would just be more of the same, me not being good enough for him, for our kids, and for whatever else that means and entails.  


So, here I am, Mid-December, and I'm still not over it all.  I want to be over it, and I need to be over it, but I'm not, and I'm not as OK as I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.  I'm better than I was a year ago, as the shock of the whole thing has worn off, but then again, in some areas, I think I'm still where I was a year ago as well.  I don't know.  I'm being told that I've had a lot of growth this past year, but today, today, it just doesn't seem like it.  So...where do I go from here?  UP!  Can't fall down any further, and even though I know it could always get worse, it won't.  I'm moving forward, baby steps, but at least it's still forward motion, and that is a big deal.

Friday!

Ahhhhh....Friday, you're here....I love you...but not really for the same reason that everyone else loves you...today happens to be payday, but I don't get paid every Friday, it's not the end of my work-week...as I go out shooting photos every day, if I have the orders to do them (and I have an order for tomorrow)...so, why do I love Fridays so much..because my friends have their last day of their work week, and you make them happy, which makes ME happy!  


It also means another day closer to best-friend time, which I really love, and kind of need this weekend.  And, I get an extra night of best friend time...and I think we're going to try to go see Christmas lights with his son tomorrow night...so much fun!  Maybe a campfire, maybe some marshmallows, but definitely time together.   


It's the time where we can talk, share, and then get down to the bottom of things.  I love that he's my spy at the man factory, and can usually let me in on male behavior, and why they do the things that they do.  He is also good for me, in that, he supports me, emotionally, without all of the baggage of a relationship....that is the best part...I support him too, and that's also great.  


I just know that I am blessed beyond belief in my friendships, and I sure hope that I'm a blessing back to my friends.

Still Dealing

Can I just say that I am so tired of drama?  It seems as though every time that I turn around, there is just more and more drama...I don't even have to go looking for it, it just somehow finds me.  I am tired of all of the bullcrap.  


I think that I just need a total vacation from life.  Am thinking that either a cruise, or a trip to FL would be wonderful, sometime in maybe Feb or March.  I can also go to Long Beach, MS for Mardi Gras in Feb as well...Heck, I may just do all of it...I think it's necessary to just get away for a little bit.  Not sure that I want to go alone, as my friends are very dear to me, but maybe if I go, I'll get some alone time.  That might be a good thing.  


Then again, it might not, as it would give me too much time to think, and for me, thinking is a bad thing.  At least with all of the drama swirling around me, I'm able to be calm through it, and can still step back and think things through.  That's necessary, when dealing with drama.  To be able to stay calm, and strong through it all is necessary for me.  I just want to have everything done, and taken care of, all of the legalities, so that there is no more of this he said/she said crap, and people not following through on their words.  I just need to have it done.  I am tired of the game playing, and am thinking that now, I'm going to just have to deal with things my way...I'm a fighter, a survivor and a strong woman...Don't ever forget that!

I'm back

I've been away from the internet for a little bit, but I'm now back.  I can't say how happy that I am about that.  Things have been very crazy lately, and I have missed my outlet and trying to type things out for myself.  I hope that my readers have missed me as well.  Somewhere along the past couple of weeks, I somehow got another follower...Welcome!


So, today has been a crazy day.  It started with a small confrontation on my job, which can be dangerous, and today was one of those days.  The lenders will send me out to take photos of homes for various reasons, and I was in a questionable area of Harrisburg today, doing just that.  Thank God that I always bring my dog with me, and have never had to allow her out of the car, but today, I came awfully close.  I was, however, able to calm the situation, was asked by a drunk man (it WAS 11:00 in the morning) if I had a boyfriend, and ended up telling him that he didn't want me, as I have way too much baggage for him to handle!  HAHAHAHA!  More like he wouldn't have been able to handle my attitude is what is closer to the truth.


Then, I got a call from my ex this evening...seems that he wants to turn off my cell phone again...I went over in my minutes, not that I knew how many I was allowed, or WHEN I went over my minutes in the first place, as I am no longer an owner of the cellphone account.  I asked him again when he planned on making my alimony legal, and find an attorney.  The man just said that he would do it when he found an attorney that he liked.  REALLY?  I didn't know that you needed to personally LIKE your attorney...I thought that your attorney just needs to do the job for you.  All I am asking is to have things drawn up legally, so that it protects BOTH of us, but of course, he sees me as a gold digging crazy woman, but I'm thinking that's ok that he thinks that about me...let him think it.  I just want the things that he told me that he would do, to be done.  I get that he moved from MD to WV and that we can't file for our divorce until August...OK...whatever, let's just get the alimony thing done with, so that at least THAT much is done!  


I'm starting to lose all patience with this whole thing, and when that happens, I can become a loose cannon, and just go off.  I refuse to go off, I refuse to make hasty decisions, and I refuse to allow anyone to ever run over me and take advantage of me ever again.  So...I guess this means that I will have to hire an attorney in WV to get the alimony stuff done, since he's not going to do it.  I was hoping that his new girlfriend would be of some kind of assistance to me, in making him get things done!  Guess she isn't too much of an influence over him!  Poor dear...hope she knows what she's getting into with him..I wish her all of the luck in the world.

Wondering how strong God really thinks that I am.

I hear all the time that God won't give us any more than we can handle.  Well, the truth is that I want to know how strong God thinks that I am.  I am about at my breaking point, and just don't think that I can handle another thing.  I'm also getting tired of people telling me that I'm such a strong woman, that I can keep going like this.  Truth is that I'm not that strong, and I really just want someone to put their arms around me, let me cry, and say "here, hon, why don't you let me carry this burden for you".  That's what I really want.  I don't see that happening any time soon, so I suppose that I'll just have to keep being strong, and getting myself through this stuff.  


I know that I have awesome friends and family who support me and love me, but there's something about having a special someone in your life who will hold you, and help to carry your burdens with you.  I'm missing that very much right now.  


Problems with my son have gotten worse...ER trip last night, that I didn't find out about until this afternoon, then had to deal with his C and Y caseworker, as well as this JPO, and then to cap it all off, we had Parent/Teacher conferences tonight.  Good news:  His teachers all like him, and think that he's a great kid, who is respectful of them, and is really smart.  Bad news:  He is absent a lot, AND doesn't turn in his work.  So, because of those 2 bad things, he's failing all of his classes EXCEPT for welding!  Go figure, the kid is a hands on learner.  So, long story short, he has A LOT of work to make up, and still may not pass this semester.  GREAT!


Found out today that our cat, who was living with soon to be ex's friend, passed away last week, and NO ONE told either Shayna or me.  That was heart breaking news, as we both LOVED that kitty.   As I think about this, I understand why he waited to tell us, with the funeral being last weekend.  It was still rough to get that news this evening on the way to my son's parent/teacher conferences.  


So, at this point, I guess that I'm just going to have to keep muddling through. Yes, I'll make it, if nothing else, I'm a survivor.  Always have been a survivor, always will be.  It's just rough having to do it all alone.  

A year sure changes things

As I drove to Maryland this afternoon, I was thinking, as it's a 2 hour drive, and I was by myself, so I had some time.  A year ago today, I was a happily married woman.  It wasn't until Friday, that my whole world came crashing down around my head.  But that Thursday night, a year ago,  I was happy and married.  It will be a full year, tomorrow, that my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore, and wanted a divorce.  That was the first time that he'd said anything like that to me.  We were at a Family Life Marriage Conference.  But the night before, I knew nothing was going on.  


So, because I knew nothing, I was ignorant in my bliss.  I thought that my husband loved me, and our family, and the life that we had built and were still building for ourselves.  


Now, a year later, and I am sitting at my computer, on the eve before my daughter's best friend's memorial service, and I'm just sad.  I've learnt a lot in this past year.


I've learned not to take people for granted, as they can be taken away in a single moment.  I've learned to love those around me.  I've learned to just be in the moment, and enjoy the moment, and stop worrying about tomorrow so much, because the truth is that more than 2/3's of what I worry about never comes true anyway.  I've learned that I do really like myself, and am comfortable in my own company.  I've also learned that I really do want to be in a relationship at some point.  I've learned that it's OK to cry, and that crying in and of itself is a release, and that release is necessary.  I've learned that I like the truth, and prefer to hear it, in all of it's forms than any kind of lie.  I've learned that I'm not perfect, not that I ever thought that I was, but it was kind of an epiphany, after the separation, and it's OK to not be perfect either.


I've also learned what I want in a future relationship, and that I'm really not willing to settle for any less.  I want to be someone's first priority, as it should be, I want to know that my significant other really loves me above all others (children, notwithstanding), and that he'd protect me, love me, and allow me to be me.  I want someone who will accept that I am a flawed human being, and still love me anyway, without trying to change me.  These are no longer negotiable, as far as I am concerned.  


So, a year later, and I'm still alive, even though, at the time, I thought that this news would surely kill me, that I am OK without a husband, and that I'm going to make it through all of this. 

Thankful Thursday #3

It's Thursday...and today, I am thankful for dear friends who will babysit my dog for me while I am away this weekend.  


I am thankful for all of the support that has been given to Shayna and me in our time of sorrow and loss of her dear friend.


I am thankful for a place to live, and friends where I can stay if I want to or need to.


I am thankful for those who love me, even when I am unlovable.

It just happens to be Wednesday

Today is Wednesday 11-16-11.  That doesn't say a whole lot, does it?  It's been a very crazy week, and it's still not over yet.  It's just going to get busier and crazier.  I suppose that I'm ok with that, as busier and crazier keeps me from thinking too much, but thinking isn't always a bad thing either.  Maybe I should think a bit more.  I need to make decisions, important decisions in the next couple of months, and therefore, I need to have a clear mind.


However, the rest of this week will include getting my hair colored...as I've gotten a wild hair up my behind, and plan on coloring it burgundy with purple in the back, where the pink used to be.  Yeah, so I'm going through a bit of a rebellious stage again...I suppose ex's bringing a date to the memorial service on Friday has me a bit more rebellious than normal.  Also, what's the first thing that women change when we feel out of control...our hair!  So, therefore, I'm going to do it.


Then, I have to travel to Easton, MD on Thursday evening, to meet up with my daughter, and then the memorial service will be on Friday, my sister's wedding on Saturday, and then a lunch with some of the girls that also went to my Christian High School.  Can't wait to see the girls...that's for sure.  Am looking forward to my sister's wedding, and definitely NOT looking forward to the memorial service.  At least it will start the healing process for me and for Shayna.  That's necessary.  


So, let the craziness begin, I'm ready for it!

I love you more than my dog

So, this is the title of a book that I saw in Wegman's grocery store on Sunday.  I love you more than my dog.  Well, here's the truth...if I ever say that about another human being in my future, would someone please just slap me until I am stupid?  


The truth is that these days, I love my dog a lot more than I love most people.  Not saying that I don't love people, and there are those whom I love a lot more than I love my dog, but for the most part, people are crazy.  The other thing, is that I just don't think that a man will live up to my dog!  


Here's why:
1.) my dog loves me unconditionally
2.) my dog obeys my commands
3.) if I locked my dog and a man in my trunk for an hour, when I came back, my dog would be THRILLED to see me, I highly doubt that the man would!
4.) my dog is very helpful
5.) She snuggles with me without expecting sex
6.) She doesn't want any money from me.


So, there you have it.  I love my dog.  

Family

I was able to spend the day with Abby today.  She is Momma P's youngest daughter, and I guess more like a sister to me.  I love that.  I'm making my own family here.  That is a good thing.  It's rough having both of my own sisters living so far away.  I miss them, but the truth is that we've never been too close, and I have always wanted that.  I suppose the fact that there is a huge age difference between us that's part of the reason, as I was not living at home while they were growing up.  That makes me sad.


However, hanging out with Abby and Rachel shows me that I have sisters, who love and want to spend time with me.  I enjoy their company too.


Last night, I was also invited to spend Thanksgiving with people with whom I grew up.  I am going to go.  I can't wait to see everyone either.  So, I have a lot to look forward to, and that is a very good thing.

Hanging in

Today, I'm hanging in.  A lot has hit me about my daughter's friend's death, and I am missing him very much.  To know that he'll never come through my front door shouting "Hey Momma" again is breaking my heart.  


Shayna is finally at the anger stage with all of this, and that's a good thing, since it means that she's working through her grief.  I was actually happy to hear that.  I know that sounds crazy, but it's good for her to be angry.  I'm angry about it all too...


Tonight, I'm staying at my sissy's house.  I love Abby and Jeremy.  They are awesome to be with.  I just am really not ready to be alone right yet.  Thankfully, my friends and family are willing to put up with me.  


I'm also dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  We spoke on the phone last night, and I just asked him to please get the alimony paperwork started so that we could at least have something legal.  I'm actually hoping that new girlfriend will light a fire under his butt, and make him do it, because I am SURE that SHE doesn't like his being MARRIED to me, and turning HER into an adulterer!  So, here's to hoping that he'll get started on it.  For someone who wanted the divorce so badly, it is surprising to me that he hasn't done a darn thing on it.  Whatever...I'm not gonna do it!

Thankful Thursday #2

Today is Thursday....Thankful Thursday #2 this month.  So, today, I am thankful for my job, and the people that I work with.  I love that I work in a family business, and that the people with whom I work love me.  It's a really wonderful thing, knowing that.


I am also very thankful for the friends and family who have taken the time out to call either Shayna or me, and extend their love and support, during this time of grief for us.  I cannot express in words how much that love and support means to me, and the fact that so many of those people are my friends, and who are sending their love to my daughter.  


Y'all mean more to me than I can even say.  Thank you for being there for me, and for her.  Thank y'all for loving us, and for supporting us.  We love y'all too.

Comments

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Dealing

Today has just been my day to deal with things.  I just needed to have a full day to myself to not do a single thing, but be inside my head.  I was able to think some things through and have come to some conclusions.


1.)  I cannot control my soon to be ex husband.
2.)  I do not want to do so.
3.) He's an ass.
4.) I should have seen that years ago.
5.) I am a better person that he  ever thought that I was.
6.) I am worth so much more than he ever thought that I was.
7.) I am better off without him.
8.)  I do NOT want him back.
9.) He is low class in bringing a date to JC's funeral.
10.)  I'm done.


So...this gives me a new freedom, really.  I'm done...I am done hoping that he'll get his act together, as I know, now, that it won't happen.  I know that I was a good wife, an excellent mother, and a wonderful friend.  I will continue to be all of the above.


I am strong, I am fierce, I am wonderful, I am loving, I am kind, I am cute, I am fun, and I am woman!

Grief

Today, so much has hit me.  I am truly grieving, for a lot of things.  First off, for the loss of my daughter's friend, secondly, for the death of my marriage, and thirdly for the loss of being a full time mom.  


It just feels as though every step that I take forward, I've slid backwards about 5.  It's frustrating for me.  I know that there will be an end to the mourning and the grief, but for the next 24 hours, I'm going to allow the tears to come as they may.  I have a feeling that they'll be coming for awhile too.  Too much to cry over.


The loss of JC has been so shocking to so many people.  My daughter is a mess over it, and I'm at a loss for what to say to her, and can only listen, and love her through this.  His mother, my friend, is hanging in there, as only a strong woman can do.  She is strong, and she will make it through this.  It still doesn't stop my heart from breaking for her, and her husband, and their daughter.  I can't believe that I'll never see his smiling face again, and that he'll never walk through my front door yelling "Hey Momma" in his Eastern Shore accent, and that he'll never call my daughter again at 4 am, singing to her, or rapping to her, or quoting "Fishing in the Dark".  Shayna's tears tear me up, and it just kills me to not be able to take this pain away from her.


Then, after my soon-to-be-ex informed me that he was bringing a date to his Memorial Service, it dawned on me that I do not care what he does anymore, and I do not want anything to do with him.  I will take care of myself, as I have always done.  I know that I wrote about forgiveness the other day, but right now, I am so angry at him for so many things, and right now, I think he's the worst person on the face of the planet.  I absolutely do NOT want him back.  However, when the time comes, I will get mine, and I'll do it through the court system.

Insensitive?

What is the meaning of insensitive?  I'll tell you, it's a man, who is still married, who is planning on bringing his GIRLFRIEND to his daughter's best friend's funeral.  I am beside myself over this.  This woman does NOT know my daughter, nor does she know me, nor does she know this young man, and nor does she know his family.  She does NOT belong at this funeral.  Not only do I think that my soon to be ex-husband is wrong here, but it makes me wonder what kind of woman she is.  Would LOVE it if someone could answer this question for me.


I find this to be the height of selfishness, as he told me today that she would be attending to support HIM!  REALLY??????  SERIOUSLY????   What support does HE need?  Our daughter is DEVASTATED over this loss...I'm thinking that SHE needs all of his and my support.  


I don't care if he has a new girlfriend...I could CARE LESS about that...I don't want him anymore, and my mother taught me to give away my used toys, so, she's welcome to his selfish ass.  


But this funeral is for those who know this family, especially since this young man took his own life, it was tragic, and I think that the etiquette books are pretty clear about this kind of thing.  I'm thinking that Emily Post is rolling over in her grave right about now!  

losing someone you love isnt easy

today has been a rough day.  it started off wonderfully, and ended in hell.  afteer i dropped my daughter off at her place, a three hour drive home, i had a phone call from shayna, who was hysterical.  i could barely understand what she was saying.  when i got her calmed down enough to talk to me, she informed me that her best friend, jc shot and killed himself today.  my heart is fully broken for my daughter, as well as this young mans family.

for the first time in my life, i am at a complete and total loss for words, and do not know what to do.  there are no words of comfort in this situation.  how do you comfort parentss who have lost their only son to something that makes no sense?  i dont know either.l

Visit with my daughter

Tonight's post is in my daughter's favorite color, purple.  She's visiting this week, and I can't say how much I miss her when she's not here.  It was so strange going from being a full time wife and mother, to a complete empty nester, sans husband.  I'm still not used to not having her and the ex around all the time.  It can get a little lonely.  


I'm getting used to being on my own, but I don't particularly like it, and I really do not like sleeping alone.  Libby is good at sharing the bed, but truly, she doesn't cuddle all that well.  I miss spooning with someone.  I miss the extra body heat on my back, and someone's breath stirring my hair.  I miss waking up in the morning with someone yawning next to me.  There's so much that I miss.  I can't even think to type it all in.  


I'm learning that I don't NEED to have a man in my life to feel complete, and isn't that an awesome thing to learn?  However, I WANT a man in my life, someone who completes my sentences, who knows that when I'm sad, that I just need to cry it out, and not make me feel guilty for crying, or who doesn't feel guilty that I am crying.  Who can understand that I'm a complicated woman, who loves with everything that she has, good, bad, and ugly.  It's who I am, and I am proud of that.  I want someone who will accept me for who I am as well.  


I'm handling my bills, to the best of my ability at this time, with the tightness of my budget, and am trying to keep my head above water, but it looks as though I'll have to get a part time job to do that...on top of my other job...so, 2 part time jobs for me.  Dang...I was supposed to be able to take it easier at this point in my life, and at this age, especially since I don't have to support children anymore...but that wasn't to be.  At least not for the near future...or the far future, as far as I can see, anyway.  


So, I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm very much enjoying this time with Shayna.  She makes me smile...a lot, and we giggle together a lot too.  That's the best...when you realize that your children are adults, and now, you can change the relationship a bit, to be more like friends than parent and child.  It's so much nicer!

Forgiveness

Tonight, I'm thinking about forgiveness.  I'm kind of wondering what that means to people.  To me, it means not becoming bitter over something, and letting it go, but it doesn't mean that what the other person did was wrong, just that you are not going to hold onto it.  When we forgive someone, it isn't accepting their bad behavior, it's just not allowing them to rent space in your mind.  


I don't want certain people to rent space in my mind, or my heart, really.  So, here we go...I'm going to forgive my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  I'm not going to allow you to hurt me anymore, and I'm not going to allow you to have any space in my heart anymore either.  I'm going to let you go, and let you do your thing.  Just understand that this doesn't mean that you've gotten away with hurting me, it's just that I no longer wish to hurt you.  I don't wish to fight with you anymore.  I do not wish to be a part of your life either.  I am not going to be vindictive towards you any longer.  I'm going to walk away now.  Although, don't take this to say that I'm not going to fight for what is legally mine, as I will, that has nothing to do with whether or not I have forgiven you for hurting me in the way that you have hurt me, and know that when we go to court, I plan on winning.  


Know that I wish you every happiness in the world, and that I want you to be healthy as well.  I am just done now. I am tired.


I would like, however, for you to file for the alimony, as well as the divorce as soon as possible, as I'm done waiting for you to do it already.   You asked for the divorce, I moved you, you need to deal with the legal paperwork of it all.  I refuse to do that, and will continue to do so, as this was not my choice, and I'm no longer going to be doing the dirty work of our family for you.  


Good Luck to you, in finding what you really want in a wife, and truly, I am sorry that it wasn't me.  I forgive.

Kinder to myself

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."  WEB DuBois


The above quote comes from WEB DuBois, and was used in the movie "Akeelah and the Bee".  The movie, itself was great, and tells about how we should believe in ourselves. The above quote was used to magnify that thought.  


As I read this quote, it says so much to me.  Who ARE we to ask ourselves these things?  Why do we not just accept them?  Why do we spend so much time in our own heads listening to every bad thought that we've ever had?  I listen to those thoughts all of the time...I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not whatever it is that my evil thoughts tells me.  It's not for us to say those things.  We should be kinder to ourselves. We should tell ourselves that we ARE Beautiful, lovable, fine, sexy, whatever it is that we want that is good.  Positivity will take you far, and that's what I'm dealing with in my life...I want to just stay positive, and keep a good attitude.  Only then will I have what I want in my life.  Why find fault in everything and everyone?  It only hurts me in the long run.  Why have expectations of others?  It only hurts me in the long run.  Why not just enjoy what I have in this moment in time?  Well, that's what I am doing.  I'm enjoying what I have in THIS moment in time.  I'm still fighting for what I need, and for what I believe in, but I'm going to enjoy the people who are in my life, right now.  I'm not going to have expectations of them, or me, for that matter, at least not right now.  


In that, I think I'm being kinder to myself.

Day After a Big Snow

Today, I woke up to snow melting everywhere.  Last night, I allowed Libby to be off of her leash for a bit, and she was running around like a rabbit in this snow.  I would have sworn that she had springs in all 4 of her paws.  I love how much that dog loves the snow.  She was chasing snowballs and catching them, and just really enjoying it.


Today, the snow is melting.  That always makes me a little bit sad, but it's part of getting snow in October in PA.  You kind of know that it won't stick around for too long. 


Which makes me think of relationships, all over again.  Not just love relationships, but friendships as well.  My friend, Pattie, wrote in her blog today about fake friends, and that got me thinking as well.


I have a few very long lasting friendships.  I love and try to nurture those friendships as much as possible, with everyone living their busy lives.  But, my love relationships, don't seem to last.  I'm not sure if they're supposed to last.  It goes back to fire...fire's not supposed to last either...coals are a different thing, but fire, can be dangerous or it can be helpful.  


It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong here...is it me?  Could it be the men I've chosen, I don't know.  I think that maybe I should just stick with friendships for awhile...that way, my heart doesn't get broken, yet again.  I'm not sure if I could take another heartbreak like that.  I think I'll just stick with friends...benefits could be a nice thing, and I won't confuse that with love...it's different...good thing too.  


Maybe I need to pick better men...maybe I need to really LOOK at them before jumping into relationships with them.  Look at who they are as people first, and then decide if I want to spend time with them...I do that with my friends...why don't I do that with my love relationships?  Is it that I want them to be something that they aren't, do I want them to change for me?  Am I demanding?  Do I expect too much from them?  I don't know...am still trying to figure that out.  I just know that if I have another love relationship, I'll try to do some things differently.

Snowy Day 2

Ahhh...so pretty!  Had to add a photo from my walk this afternoon.  I love how beautiful the world looks when it's all white and fluffy.  So far, my power has stayed on, with no flickering, am hoping that it stays this way, as we have electric heat, and no other way to heat the apartment.  Still, I'm loving this completely!

Snowy Day

I love snow!  That's a good thing because we are getting hit quite hard with the white stuff.  There's about 5 inches already on the ground, the roads are crappy, and I get to sit in my house, watching it fly.  It's beautiful!  This is also the first time that we've had measurable snow in the month of Oct. since 1979, and only the 3rd time that we've had measurable snow this month, since the late 1800's.  


I know that I am fortunate, as I don't have to drive in it.  It is messy.  I don't HAVE to go anywhere today, because I was smart and took care of what I needed to do yesterday, so I get to stay home and just enjoy it.  I'm cuddled up on my sofa, and I'm switching between the Penn State and Navy Football Games.  What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.  


Football and SNOW!  Whoo Hoo, I'm a happy camper!

Hurtful words

So, today, we had the Family Group Meeting for my 16 year old, and to be honest, it went well, and everyone had a chance to speak their minds, and be productive.  I'm all for productive, as I can't stand to waste time, money, and energy...mainly because I have so little of all 3 of the above.  There is more support on my ex-husband's side than I think we all realized, including him, which is an excellent thing...and right now, I'm hopeful that the future will be better.  I'm still holding out all judgement until I see some follow through from everyone else involved, but that's to be expected, I'm sure.


As for the hurtful words, those came from my current husband who is soon to be an ex as well.  We were talking on our cell phones, after we had left the meeting and were heading in our separate ways, and he said that he was able to spend more time with my son, and I asked how his schedule would allow for that, as his schedule and job have always taken precedence over everything else in our lives.  I say OUR lives because it also affected me, and my life, his job.  The man actually had the nerve to say to me the following sentence: and I quote: "I've now paid my dues, and have gotten to where I want to be in my career that I now have the freedom to choose how I spend my time".  RRRREEEEAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYY??????????????????  SERIOUSLY?  You're actually saying this to me?  


The reason that this specific statement was so hurtful was because this is the ONE thing that I had been begging him for for the past 14 years...Please spend more time with me, please spend more time with our kids, and he promised me that when he'd paid his dues, that there would be that time to spend with me and the kids...so I held on, I kept going, kept working just as hard as he did, raising the kids, keeping our home, working my 35+ hour a week job, as well as my volunteer position as an EMT to keep my skills up, and so, personally, I worked just as hard as he did, and to be perfectly honest, maybe harder, to get him where he wanted to get in his career field, so that WE, WE, could reap the benefits...but now, HE gets to reap them, and I am now working a part time job, looking for another part time job, and not seeing kids and grandkids because I can't afford it, and this was all part of that promise...that if we worked hard NOW, we could enjoy LATER...well, y'all...It's LATER...and I'm not getting the benefit of any of MY hard work, and my heart's been broken by this man, and now this?  I am just really, really sad about it, and I don't know what to think.  I know that the the world is NOT fair, but I really just want to shout like a 2 year old..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!"  


When will I be able to reap the benefits of the hard work that I put into my life?  That's my question...and I'm sure that it will stay unanswered for quite a long time because, truthfully, I don't think that I can trust another person with ME...who I am, how I feel, and what-not, because HE betrayed all of that, and it kills me that I am now so distrustful of other men.  I don't trust what they say, and I want to, but I just can't.  Not right now.  Maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for me...I'm not so sure anymore, but if He does, and He's not just sitting up there laughing at me for believing my husband, and making my plans to reap the benefits of my hard work, then maybe someone will come into my life that will be too amazing to turn down...until then, I'm reserving my judgement.

Autumn is my favorite season

Ahhh.....Autumn is my favorite season of the year.  I love it!  The colors are fantastic, and just watching them change amazes me every year.  Being back in PA makes my heart sing this year, with watching the change of season.  I don't miss the humidity of the Summer, and I love the cool, crisp air, and there just seems to be a specific scent in the air, that is pungent, and rich.  It seems full of the promise of the harvest, and the coming of Winter.  


Of course, there are also the foods of Fall, that entice me as well.  Chili, my Momma's apple cake, crab dips, Veggie Beef Soup, Beef Stew, Hot, openfaced Turkey Sandwiches, and Cream of Potato Soup.  I can go on and on about Fall Foods.  It's the time for casseroles, and soups, and these are the best months for shellfish...Crabs are fat, clams and oysters seem to be sweeter, and the lobster is awesome.  For an East Coast Girl, there is not much better than Fall Seafood.  


Then, we come to wardrobe.  I love my sweaters, sweats, and woolens.  I don't know what it is about the coziness of the clothing for this time of  year, but I love it.  The different layers to keep me warm, even though this is the first year that I've really felt chilly, and I'm completely enjoying that as well.


And finally, we come to the activities:  Campfires, Roasting of Marshmallows, Jumping into the leaves, picking apples, Stargazing seems better this time of year too, and wine tastings...I prefer to taste wines this time of the year..oh, and warm wine?  YUM!  


So, come join me, enjoy the Autumn weather, get outside, do some sight seeing in your own town...go places that only the tourists go...You'll learn so much about your home.  I love that. Going to places only the tourists go, because you get to watch people enjoy your home area, and you get to learn stuff too!  

Craziness over the past few days.

The past few days have been crazy.  I've been on the go since Friday.  I loved the busyness of it all, and most of it was fun.  


On Friday, I got a call from the best friend...which meant that I ended up at his place, and out dancing Friday night.  He took me to this place called Rod's Roadhouse Cafe.  We had a great time, and I spent the majority of the night on the dance floor shaking my groove thing!  There was a live band, and a DJ, and the music was great!  I love nights like that, where there's very little inhibition and I can really dance.  


Saturday, was a day spent with Dan, his son, and Rachel, who is also one of Dan's sisters.  Nice dinner, and then hanging out at the campfire, and roasting marshmallows, is always a great time.


Sunday, I had a couple of jobs to do, and had to go take photos of houses. I love that part of my job, as I work out of my car, and I get to drive all over Lancaster, Dauphin, York, and Lebanon Counties.  I love the beauty of PA in the Fall.  With the leaves turning vibrant colors, and the dog in the back seat, I'm a happy camper.  Then, got to spend a little bit of time with my friend, Lamar, then back to Dan's for more campfire time with Rachel.


Work class on Monday, with Momma P. and Abby, and then lunch afterwards...always fun...and then today, working at the home office at Momma P's house with Momma P. and Abby.  I love my job at the office too, and most of the time it doesn't seem like work, as we have a lot of fun too.  I think it's important to enjoy one's work.  It also helps that I work for Momma, and with Pap and Abby.  It's a family business, and that makes it all the better.  An even bigger plus, I get to take Libby with me...which makes my day even better.  Love that dog!


Tomorrow, will be more work at the office, unless I have to take photos, and then we all have to be in Hanover, PA for my son's Family Group meeting.  It's been a busy week, and it's not even Wednesday yet.


Hope that all of my "minions" are having good weeks as well.  

Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday....Thankful Thursday.  It's a day where I try to remember to be thankful for at least one thing.  I know that I should be thinking about this every day, but once a week is about all I can manage some weeks.  Today, I'm thankful for the people who are in my son's life, who are working to get him into a better place than he's been in.  I am talking about his family, his caseworker, his JPO, and anyone else that I have forgotten.  


Thank you for your supporting me as well.  I have needed everyone's support to deal with the stress of having a son who is making really bad decisions for himself, and not realizing that his actions affect everyone around him.  I know that they have affected me deeply, and I'm sure they've affected his father as well.  Neither Bob nor I know what else to do for this kid.  At this point, it's out of my hands anyway, now that Children and  Youth as well as Juvenile Probation are involved.  


He will be starting a weekend camp thing, where he MUST report on Friday, hopefully starting next week, and be away from home until they bring him home on Sunday evening.   It looks like a great program, and I'm hoping that my son will look at this as a growing experience, rather than a punishment.  


Thanks again!

Going back through my blog

It was stated to me yesterday that my blog was nothing but bashing of the people who have hurt me.  WOW!  I've been blogging for about 2 months now, and I don't think that I'm all about bashing people...for me, this blog is a way for me to put my thoughts out there, and to re-evaluate them.  Maybe to figure out what I'm thinking, and where I need to go.  I'm guessing that this person never really read my blog or gave it a chance.  


It's also what makes me think that I'm tired of pleasing everyone else in my life.  Why is it that people seem to think that they have the right to say anything about what I do, or what I say?  I do see those people paying my bills, or living my life.  I don't see them banging down my front door to spend time with me, or calling me every day, let alone once a month!  I don't understand why this person thinks it's ok to judge me.  He has never been through a divorce...not as the divorcee, or the divorcer.  He's never walked a day in my shoes, let alone a minute in them...and personally, I know that he wouldn't last a minute in my shoes.


Well, here's what I have to say about it all...it's my blog and I'll say what I want to say, about whatever topic I choose to write about.  This is me being highly rebellious, and I DARE you to try to stop me!

Guess who lost it on a State Employee today?

So, today, I totally flipped out on my son's caseworker.  Last Wednesday, my son was supposed to be attending a Why Try class and guess who "forgot" to show up, yet again...and his NOT showing up just got him KICKED OUT of a condition of his probation.  Now, here's my problem, my ex did NOT inform me of this, the caseworker didn't inform me of this, and neither did the Juvenile Probation Officer.  Not only that, but he was late for school on Wednesday as well, and didn't ride the bus to school, nor did he ride the bus home from school...yet ANOTHER condition of probation blown off.  Not only THAT issue, but NO ONE knew where my son was from 2:30 pm until 6:30 pm on Wednesday.  My ex said that he watched David walk out to the bus stop, then saw David go to a friend's house to use their bathroom....REALLY?  WOW!  Why could he have not used the bathroom in his father's house?  Why did he have to go to a friend's house?  I'll tell you why...He was SMOKING POT, and THAT is also why he did not attend Wednesday's make up sessions, and why he said that he "lost his cell phone on the bus...kind of difficult to lose it on the bus when he was NOT even ON the bus...and we KNOW this, because caseworker, was at the bus stop in front of David's house on Wednesday afternoon...My ex made some kind of stupid excuse for him to the caseworker, and is trying to make it so that David is NOT kicked out, and I told caseworker, over my dead body...the boy had his chances and now, I am done.  I am DEMANDING that they put that boy on an ankle monitor by Friday, or I am going to relinquish ALL of my parental rights to the boy.  I REFUSE to go down with my ex and my son.  I absolutely will NOT be going to jail for contempt of court, because these 2 people cannot get their shit together, and just DO what they need to do.  If he in not in that ankle bracelet by Friday, I am hiring an attorney to do what needs to be done.  


I don't understand why these 2 people in my life do NOT understand the gravity of this issue.  A Children and Youth Judge is NOT the person to PISS OFF, the Juvenile Probation Officer is NOT the person to PISS OFF, and you don't PISS OFF the one person who is trying to help you, and that would be the caseworker!  Now, we also have MOM who is totally pissed off too!  


To top it all off, the school did NOT, yet again, inform me of David's tardiness on Wednesday either...the caseworker got it, but not me, his mother, the woman who has been begging the school to help her, to be able to help THEM, help my son!  They don't listen to me either.  I think I'm going to have to call the ACLU and sue the school district over this one.  I've only been asking for years for information from the school, AND I have a court order that says that since I have shared legal custody of said child, they MUST send me EVERYTHING that they send my ex.  


I will NOT be paying a SINGLE RED PENNY in fines, I will NOT go to jail, as they will HAVE to put me on suicide watch...I am very claustrophobic, and that will kill me.  There's a reason that I have NEVER been in trouble with the law...I am TERRIFIED of being in a 6'X8' cell, with a toilet in the middle of it...like I'm really going to use a toilet in the middle of a room, where everyone else can see me...who are they kidding?  Oh, HELL NO!!!  It will NEVER happen.  


Poor caseworker had to put up with my foul mouth today, because yes, I took it there, because they don't seem to listen when I am just talking to them...and NOW, the truth is that I like caseworker, but what I am so frustrated over is the fact that when we in the courtroom for David's criminal trial, the Judge told David that IF he missed ONE more Why Try class that he'd be on that ankle bracelet.  So, in the 7 days between court appearances, he missed the ONLY class that he had to attend...Judge did NOT follow through on his THREAT of ankle bracelet...so, now my son thinks this is a big joke, and that he can get away with things, because they don't follow through.  His father NEVER follows through, and that's why David does NOT want to live with me, because I ALWAYS follow through with what I threaten...ask Shayna, Andrew, Christopher, and even Jennie...They KNEW what the consequences were for bad behavior, and I never ONCE issued an idle threat.  If I said it, I meant it, and punishment was swift and fit the crime.  Am wondering WHY the juvenile justice system can't do the same thing.  


I now have to find an attorney, to cover my ass in all of this, but I'm not going down with the idiots, who are NOT taking any of this seriously.  I am not willing to pay the price of my freedom for other people's stupidity.  Stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!

Take a walk in my shoes for once

I think that there comes a time when a person just has to say forget it all...that it just doesn't matter anymore.  Mostly, that's my problem, I care too much about some people, and it's my biggest weakness.  Maybe if I were more able to just let it all roll off of my back, then I just might be a bit happier.  If I could just learn to say that it doesn't matter, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.  


It amazes me as to how quickly people can judge another person, without walking in their shoes, or having any clue as to what that person is going through.  I guess their lives are so perfect that they feel that they have the right to look down on everyone else, and shit on them.  


There's an old saying that says "Before you judge another person, walk a mile in their shoes, then you'll be a mile away from them, AND you'll have their shoes".  Personally, I think it's a good idea for people who live in glass houses to not throw stones...because the minute that you do that, your house will fall apart.  


Personally, I hope that the people who are judging me don't EVER have to feel the way that I feel, or go through what I've gone through, and what I am going through.  Personally, I think that I've handled things pretty darn well for everything.  I'm hurting, I'm not all right, I'm not ready to be all right either.  It's not that I want to wallow in my grief, and hurt, but that I need to GO through it to get over it.  I put my big girl panties on pretty much every day, and deal with it...because as y'all know, my life is too full of HAVE TO'S to NOT do that.  Y'all also know that I am sick to death of HAVE TO'S.


I don't understand how people can look down on me, but not really KNOW what I'm dealing with.  I'd like to know how I'm supposed to live on 1700 dollars a month, while my ex lives on a lot more.  I'd like to know how in the heck I am supposed to do that, when I worked just as hard as he did to get our family where it was, but now, now that HE made decisions, that affected the whole damn family, that it's all my fault.  Whatever...When y'all are done walking that mile in my shoes, I'd like them back, please...as they are MY shoes, and for the most part, I like them.

Punishment?

This has been an interesting week.  Besides going to get my bridal set looked at, I also went and got a library card...one more step towards my fully being a resident of PA.  I've been told that I'm bitter by my ex, who even though he's doing exactly what I asked him to do, and am thrilled that he's doing it, I can't give him the correct emotion that he's expecting....He's expecting me to be bitter....Can't give him that, so yet again, I'm not doing what he wants me to do.  


Then I found out that my son is pissed off at me because I didn't call HIM on my 2 and 4 year grandson's birthdays, and that's why he didn't call ME on my birthday.  So, now, he's punishing me because I didn't do what HE expected me to do.  Just more of the same...I don't what people expect of me, and then I get punished for it...Instead of calling me, and asking, hey MOM?  Did you forget?  Are you ok?  or even:  It really hurt me that you didn't call on the boy's birthdays.  Which would have given me a chance to apologize.  But, I suppose that I don't deserve to be told the truth.  So, at this point, I think that I'm going to follow some advice, that I know will hurt me so much, but maybe just maybe, it's time to cut some people out of my life...even though these are people that I raised, and cared for, fought for, fed, paid their rent, made sure that they had everything that they needed, and some of what they wanted, and that even though I did the best that I could, with what I had to be a good mother, it wasn't enough.  So, here I am again, feeling like NOT ENOUGH.  


So, what I have found is that for some people, I will never be enough...I won't be a good enough mother, a good enough wife, or whatever it is that they think that I should be...I will NEVER be perfect, so, I think they need to get used to that.  


I hate feeling as though I can't ever do anything well enough...I suppose that these same people think that I'm not working through my own issues, and my feelings of grief over the loss of my marriage, and my children, well enough either.  I guess that I'm supposed to be "over" it already.  I guess they don't understand how devastating it is to be told by your husband that he doesn't love you anymore, and that you are nothing more than a friend to him, is something that I'm just supposed to get over quickly.  I'm sorry that I'm not healing quickly enough for y'all.  I'm sorry that you feel that I was a terrible wife, and a terrible mother.  I'm sorry that I couldn't do better for you.  All in all, I'm sorry....Can the punishment stop now please?

Inscriptions

I went to the jewelers on Wednesday, to see what could be done with my bridal set.  I'm never going to wear it again, and I just can't see selling it, since the marriage ended in divorce, I didn't want to see another woman wearing my rings.  So, I decided a while ago that I would melt down the gold, and make something really pretty and new with the diamonds.  After all, the diamonds were purchased for ME, and if that diamond company's sales pitch is correct, Diamonds are for Forever.  So, I'm going to get 2 pieces of jewelry out of my set...a pair of diamond earrings (that Kent thought I didn't deserve), and a beautiful pendant.  


While at the jewelry store, the jeweler was getting a good look at my rings, and said "Whoa, there are inscriptions in these rings".  "Yes", I said, "which is exactly why I want to watch y'all melt down my rings".  I also couldn't imagine another woman walking around, wearing MY rings, with the inscriptions in them, as they are nothing more than empty words and broken promises to me.  Chalk it up to me thinking that my rings are bad luck, and I also wouldn't want another woman walking around, wearing my bad luck rings.


The inscription in my engagement ring is: "Love Of My Life", and the inscription in my wedding bad is: "Forever Loving You".  Now, maybe y'all can understand why I want to watch them melt down those words.  Those were words that I believed in, and trusted.  Now, those words are a broken promise, and only cause me pain.  I can't even explain as to how much those words hurt me.  I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, because I truly did put all of my trust into those empty words.  Now, I'm sure that at the time that Kent had them engraved to say those things, that he meant them, but the problem with engraving a bridal set is that the wedding vows are supposed to be "until death us do part", not "until I fall out of love with you".


Then, for Christmas last year, Kent bought me a Claddah ring.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an Irish symbol of love, loyalty, and friendship.  The hands (friendship) hold a heart (love), that is wearing a crown (loyalty).  There is also meaning in how and where the ring is worn.  If it is worn on the right hand, with the heart's point pointing away from the wrist, it means that your heart is open for love, if it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing towards your wrist, it means that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you are wearing that ring on your left hand, and the heart is facing away from your wrist, you are engaged to be married, and if it is facing your wrist, you are married.  It was so wrong of him to have bought me THAT ring this past Christmas, because he KNEW he was going to ask me for a divorce.  When I opened it, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he really did love me still, and wanted to work on our marriage.  I was wrong, so very wrong...and I'm not sure that I'd confronted those feelings up until recently.  I can't believe that I actually believed that he'd want to stay married to me.  I also can't believe how raw that makes me feel, and how vulnerable it makes me feel to express how much that hurt me.  Not just express it, but to confront it as well.  


My heart has been stomped on so much this past year, and it really just can't take too much more.  It wants so much to believe that there is really someone out there for me, but in wanting to believe that, it means that I have to put my heart out there for someone to smash it to bits again, and I really don't know if my heart could take that again.  I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, and protect it forever.  I'm not so sure that I'll allow myself to trust someone else to protect it, that's for sure.  I want that, I really do, but I don't know that I'm ready for it.


So, about those inscriptions in my bridal set...I don't believe those words either.  Empty promises, as usual.  And then there's anger at myself for believing them, for believing in him, and for trusting that he'd always be there, loving me, forever loving me.