New Year!

Happy New Year to you and yours.  Thanks for making my 2011 a decent year.  As you all know, this has been a very difficult year for me.  With my husband asking for a divorce, and losing an extra kid, it's been a very rough year.  

As I sit here, at my computer and think back, I see so many struggles, but I also see some triumphs as well.  I've learned a lot this year.  A lot about myself.  I've learned that I am a strong person, and that what does not kill me, will only make me stronger.  

I am really missing being married tonight.  I don't know what it is.  I thought that I had made it through the holidays with grace, but today has been really difficult.  It's Shayna's birthday, and my husband is not here celebrating her turning 19, and there will be no one to kiss at midnight.  It just makes me so sad.  I don't want to be sad tonight.  I want to look at 2012 with expectation of goodness, and not sadness, but right now, I'm thinking about loss.  

I wish nothing but everything good for all of you.  I wish for happiness, good health, and love for each and every one of you.  I hope that your 2012 will be much better than 2011 has been!  Be safe tonight. 

After Christmas aftermath

This has been a crazy, but good week, for the most part.  On Monday, Shayna and I drove home from my mother's house, and it's nice to be home again.  The whole family was here when we got home, and it was awesome to be greeted by Momma P, Pap, Rachel, Dan, the kids, and then Wes, Abby, Jer, and their kids showed up, and then Dave and Alicia also showed up.  It was a whole houseful of people, and that is always awesome for me!


Tuesday was quiet, and then yesterday, I drove to Hershey to pick up Jonah for the day, night, and today Shayna and Jonah and I went to Hershey Park's Chocolate World.  LOVE it there.  After dropping Jonah off at his mother's house, I had to do 2 jobs, and on the way home from those, it started to snow.  I love the snow!  It hasn't started sticking yet, but it's still coming down and is picking up.


So, aftermath you ask?  Well...whenever my beautiful daughter comes to visit with me, her boyfriend starts all kinds of stupid crap, which then totally ruins the visit.  I'm almost at the point of saying to her that she just can't come visit me, as he is more important.  I'm so tired of his calling her names like: Slut, liar, and whatever else he says.  I'm so tired of his accusing her of sleeping with other men.  I'm so tired of his distrust of my daughter who is anything but untrustworthy.  I'm tired of his controlling ways, and fighting with her over HIM!  I don't think that they should be together until he can get over himself.  I don't want to get into the middle of their relationship, but the truth is that he makes me crazy.  He doesn't like her tattoos, he doesn't like her being off of the Eastern Shore, he doesn't want her to be with her family on her birthday, but HE is going to be working until 11:00 pm on New Year's Eve, and she wouldn't see him until after midnight...so I suppose that she's supposed to just sit at home, all by herself, ON HER BIRTHDAY, and wait for him....I think that it's bullcrap!  I'm done with it all.


Have I said lately that I don't like stupid drama?  If I haven't...consider this my saying it!

What a day!

Today actually started early for me.  I had to be up at 8:30, so that I could get on the road by 9:00, to go to the Eastern Shore of MD to pick up my daughter.  With all good intentions, I did set my alarm for 8:00...needless to say, I hit the snooze button one too many times, and ended up waking up at 9:00.  Not sure how I did it, but I had the car packed, and the tank filled up, and I was on the road by 9:30.  Whew!


I got to the shore by 11:25, and Shayna was late getting to the meeting spot.  So...that put me behind time by an hour...as she didn't get there until 12:15.  This always frustrates me, but I dealt with it, and once she got there, and we got her stuff packed into the car, we were back on the road by 12:30, to drive to Lynchburg, VA to my parent's house.


To say that the traffic on 95 South just South of DC was a nightmare of epic proportions is actually an understatement.  We literally sat in bumper to bumper traffic for 2 and 1/2 hours.  Now, I don't know WHAT it is about that stretch of Interstate 95, but it does NOT matter what time of day, or what day even, that one travels through there, but it it will ALWAYS be backed up...but today was worse than normal.  To take 2.5 hours to go only 50 miles is ridiculous, to say the very least.  I don't know what it is with people who do NOT know how to merge into traffic, and I don't know what it is with people who do NOT know how to allow others to merge into said traffic, but THAT is the sole reason for today's back-up.  


What should have been an 8 hour road trip turned into 10 hours.  We were 2 hours late for dinner...and dinner at my mom's is always a good thing...she's a much better cook than she was when I was growing up, and tonight's dinner was yummy....Baked Ziti....but my mom also adds meat to it, as in MY house, that's a meatless meal.  But I digress...once we got here, everything has been much less frustrating.


I usually dread coming to my parent's house, mainly because I know that there will be some kind of judgement, and tonight, was strangely different. Daddy did not ask about my divorce, for the first time since Kent asked for his permission to divorce me...Yes, I made Kent ask my dad's permission.  I thought that it was only fitting that since he asked my dad for his permission to marry me, that he should be asking for permission to divorce me as well, and as this wasn't MY decision, I wasn't going to be the one to tell my father, a first generation Italian American, who is also a professor at one of the country's biggest Christian colleges that I was getting divorced a second time.  


Mom has been in rare form lately, and has actually been pretty funny...I like it when she's like that...Shayna also helps to buffer against a lot of the judgement...as she's the only grandchild who is here this visit, as David isn't allowed to leave the state of PA.  So...it's always good to have at least one of my kids with me....they help!  


Two of my brothers live here, and both of my sisters, and my youngest sister's new husband will be arriving here tomorrow around 11 am, and that will also help take some of the pressure off of me.  YAY!  I'm looking forward to spending some time with 4 of my 5 siblings.  Yep, there are 6 of us, but my other brother is not well, mentally, and hasn't been home in years.  


Here's hoping that  y'all have a very happy Christmas.  I'm trying.

Move In Weekend

Momma P and Pap have moved into the new house with me.  Our other room mate is in Germany for the holidays.  I'm getting ready to travel to VA to my parent's for Christmas.  


My room is set up, and I still have to go back to my apartment one more time to pick up the rest of my things.  I can't wait until THAT is over.  My old room mate is crazy, and I can't wait to just be done with her.


Christmas is usually one of my favorite times of the year, but this year, I'm just not looking so forward to it at all.  It's the first year without the husband and the kids.  I really just don't have the Holiday spirit.  I would love to just go to sleep and wake up the day before New Year's Eve.  I am looking forward to that night.  We'll be having a house party at the new house, and a house full of people is just up my alley.  I miss all of the entertaining that Kent and I used to do.  I miss having a house full of kids and family, and friends.  


This year, it'll be a house full of friends..and that's good enough for me.  

Another step

Today, I took yet another step away from my husband.  I got a new cell phone and plan.  I know that that doesn't seem like a very big deal to most of you, but for me, it's a huge deal.  Not only do I have a new phone, but I also have a new phone number, and it's just mine.  I've always had joint accounts with the husband.  Now, the account isn't mine, I'm on Momma P's business account, but that's ok.  I'll be paying for it, on my own, and that's a big deal.  


I had to go to Easton yesterday for a doctor's appointment for my daughter.  The good news is that she doesn't have Lupus, as her allergist thought.  The bad news is that she has Excema, and it's a chronic skin condition, and it has now turned into Impetigo.  ICK!  However, while I was at the office, I stepped up on his scale to check my weight.  It was the first time that I've stepped on a scale without fear.  I am now down 58 lbs, from my weight of this time last year.  So, that averages out to a little more than a pound a week, and that's a good thing.  I'm noticing how much larger my clothing seems, and that feels REALLY good!  I bought a sweater at WalMart yesterday, and that was a size 16/18...from the regular woman's department...NOT the plus sizes.  WOW!  I'm thrilled!  I can't wait to try on some of my pants from about 6 years ago. I bet that they either fit me perfectly, OR are too big!  If they are too big, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I think a newer wardrobe might just be in the future for me.  


Her dermatologist also said that for the most part, my skin looks great, however, I have these 2 lighter toned marks under my left eye, and he says that they could be a sign of high cholesterol, so I'll have to get a doctor's appointment up here in PA, and get that checked out, but that also the removal of those 2 spots is covered by my insurance, it's a 30 minute surgery, and there would be little to no scarring.  So, I'm going to have those taken care of after the first of the year.  YAY!  I am a little bit vain when it comes to my face.  It's cute, and I'd like for it to stay that way.  

It's now mid-December

Today is December 13, 2011.  Wow...this past year has flown by...all of it.  I can't believe that it's now Mid-December.  I will be happy to say goodbye to this year.  I know that so many people get nostalgic around the holidays, and I am one of them, but this year, I am just not looking forward to Christmas.  I think most of my Christmas joy was killed by my soon to be ex-husband.  For so many years, it was like pulling teeth to get him to put up the lights, go and get a tree, decorate it and the house, and now, this will be the first Christmas as a separated woman.  I can't believe how very sad that I am about that.  It's also the first Christmas that I won't be with all of the kids and the grand kids.


So, this year, I'll be travelling to my mother's house, and spending the holiday with my original family.  My daughter is going with me, and she's the only kid that I'll be with this year.  I'm thankful for that much.  My 16 year has said one too many times that I am not his mother, and that I wasn't a very good mother.  So, I'm not going to reward his bad behavior towards me with a trip out of state.  My oldest step-son has shut me out of his life, and I called him on Thanksgiving, and left a message, since he didn't answer the phone.  I'll call him again on Christmas Day, and will probably end up leaving another message.  If I don't receive a call back, then I'll know to just give up on him too.  It kills me to think that I have to distance myself from two of my children, but right now, I need to surround myself with those who love me, and treat me with dignity and respect.  I haven't been treated that way in years.


I hate having to take myself out of people's lives, but the truth is that I just can't take the hurt and pain of not being good enough for those people.  If my best isn't good enough, then what the heck am I supposed to do?  And, to really question further, what exactly IS good enough?  What does that mean, exactly?  Does it mean that it's something inside of me, or is it that there's something inside of them that makes them think that my best isn't good enough for them?  I'm not sure anymore.  I used to think that it was some kind of fault in me, but then I think, wait a minute, we all have faults, and I am able to tolerate their faults, and live with them, and accept that it's how they are, so WHY am I supposed to be perfect?  It's not possible for anyone to be perfect, and it's certainly not going to happen with me, the perfection thing.  Trust me, I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girl friend, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and you know what?  I failed at it...so did every other person on this planet...so, I did what everyone else does, I did the very best that I could, with what I had to work with, and if that isn't good enough for some people, then to Hell with them.  


I should only have to please myself and God.  If I'm following His commandments, and I'm loving other people the way that God intended me to do, then why isn't THAT just good enough?  I think that it is.  I'm just hurting a lot these days, in thinking of what has been lost to me.  I shouldn't think about it, but I do, and I'm still in mourning over that loss.  I have come to grips with it, and know that I can't change the course of what happened, and, believe me when I say that I don't want my marriage to Kent back.  It would just be more of the same, me not being good enough for him, for our kids, and for whatever else that means and entails.  


So, here I am, Mid-December, and I'm still not over it all.  I want to be over it, and I need to be over it, but I'm not, and I'm not as OK as I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.  I'm better than I was a year ago, as the shock of the whole thing has worn off, but then again, in some areas, I think I'm still where I was a year ago as well.  I don't know.  I'm being told that I've had a lot of growth this past year, but today, today, it just doesn't seem like it.  So...where do I go from here?  UP!  Can't fall down any further, and even though I know it could always get worse, it won't.  I'm moving forward, baby steps, but at least it's still forward motion, and that is a big deal.

Friday!

Ahhhhh....Friday, you're here....I love you...but not really for the same reason that everyone else loves you...today happens to be payday, but I don't get paid every Friday, it's not the end of my work-week...as I go out shooting photos every day, if I have the orders to do them (and I have an order for tomorrow)...so, why do I love Fridays so much..because my friends have their last day of their work week, and you make them happy, which makes ME happy!  


It also means another day closer to best-friend time, which I really love, and kind of need this weekend.  And, I get an extra night of best friend time...and I think we're going to try to go see Christmas lights with his son tomorrow night...so much fun!  Maybe a campfire, maybe some marshmallows, but definitely time together.   


It's the time where we can talk, share, and then get down to the bottom of things.  I love that he's my spy at the man factory, and can usually let me in on male behavior, and why they do the things that they do.  He is also good for me, in that, he supports me, emotionally, without all of the baggage of a relationship....that is the best part...I support him too, and that's also great.  


I just know that I am blessed beyond belief in my friendships, and I sure hope that I'm a blessing back to my friends.

Still Dealing

Can I just say that I am so tired of drama?  It seems as though every time that I turn around, there is just more and more drama...I don't even have to go looking for it, it just somehow finds me.  I am tired of all of the bullcrap.  


I think that I just need a total vacation from life.  Am thinking that either a cruise, or a trip to FL would be wonderful, sometime in maybe Feb or March.  I can also go to Long Beach, MS for Mardi Gras in Feb as well...Heck, I may just do all of it...I think it's necessary to just get away for a little bit.  Not sure that I want to go alone, as my friends are very dear to me, but maybe if I go, I'll get some alone time.  That might be a good thing.  


Then again, it might not, as it would give me too much time to think, and for me, thinking is a bad thing.  At least with all of the drama swirling around me, I'm able to be calm through it, and can still step back and think things through.  That's necessary, when dealing with drama.  To be able to stay calm, and strong through it all is necessary for me.  I just want to have everything done, and taken care of, all of the legalities, so that there is no more of this he said/she said crap, and people not following through on their words.  I just need to have it done.  I am tired of the game playing, and am thinking that now, I'm going to just have to deal with things my way...I'm a fighter, a survivor and a strong woman...Don't ever forget that!

I'm back

I've been away from the internet for a little bit, but I'm now back.  I can't say how happy that I am about that.  Things have been very crazy lately, and I have missed my outlet and trying to type things out for myself.  I hope that my readers have missed me as well.  Somewhere along the past couple of weeks, I somehow got another follower...Welcome!


So, today has been a crazy day.  It started with a small confrontation on my job, which can be dangerous, and today was one of those days.  The lenders will send me out to take photos of homes for various reasons, and I was in a questionable area of Harrisburg today, doing just that.  Thank God that I always bring my dog with me, and have never had to allow her out of the car, but today, I came awfully close.  I was, however, able to calm the situation, was asked by a drunk man (it WAS 11:00 in the morning) if I had a boyfriend, and ended up telling him that he didn't want me, as I have way too much baggage for him to handle!  HAHAHAHA!  More like he wouldn't have been able to handle my attitude is what is closer to the truth.


Then, I got a call from my ex this evening...seems that he wants to turn off my cell phone again...I went over in my minutes, not that I knew how many I was allowed, or WHEN I went over my minutes in the first place, as I am no longer an owner of the cellphone account.  I asked him again when he planned on making my alimony legal, and find an attorney.  The man just said that he would do it when he found an attorney that he liked.  REALLY?  I didn't know that you needed to personally LIKE your attorney...I thought that your attorney just needs to do the job for you.  All I am asking is to have things drawn up legally, so that it protects BOTH of us, but of course, he sees me as a gold digging crazy woman, but I'm thinking that's ok that he thinks that about me...let him think it.  I just want the things that he told me that he would do, to be done.  I get that he moved from MD to WV and that we can't file for our divorce until August...OK...whatever, let's just get the alimony thing done with, so that at least THAT much is done!  


I'm starting to lose all patience with this whole thing, and when that happens, I can become a loose cannon, and just go off.  I refuse to go off, I refuse to make hasty decisions, and I refuse to allow anyone to ever run over me and take advantage of me ever again.  So...I guess this means that I will have to hire an attorney in WV to get the alimony stuff done, since he's not going to do it.  I was hoping that his new girlfriend would be of some kind of assistance to me, in making him get things done!  Guess she isn't too much of an influence over him!  Poor dear...hope she knows what she's getting into with him..I wish her all of the luck in the world.