That's right, that's today!!! Today IS the first day of the rest of my life. New beginnings are starting for me. Orientation classes start for me tonight, they will last for the next 3 weeks, then my credit baring classes will begin.
So, this morning, I was looking over my assignments, and finishing them, as well as submitting them to my facilitator, and once I had completed everything, it all hit me. ALL of it! This is a HUGE commitment. This is 4 years of my life, I will be almost 50 when I graduate. Needless to say, I had a bit of a freak out this morning with all of this realization hitting me. I ended up on my front porch, smoking a cigarette, and crying. It's a bit overwhelming, to be perfectly honest. As I paced my porch, I realized that I cry for pretty much two reasons: 1.) I'm really frustrated and 2.) I'm scared. The third and final reason is that I'm really sad. The other thing that I realized is that I have VERY supportive people in my life, who tell me that I can do this. To those people, I ask that you continue to tell me that, because I really need your support, and I probably need it more than you all realize.
The other thing that I thought about while pacing my porch (something I do when I need to really think something through), is that I realized that I am really a bit of a bitch. I say that because, you see, I've always been the supportive one in my relationships...I didn't much receive either support or validation from the people who were supposed to be doing those things, and in that, there is a very small part of me, that wants to, upon graduation, with my Bachelor's degree diploma in hand, run around my ex-husband, singing: "I did it, I did it, I DID IT"! Some of that is to rub it in his face that I completed something that he has not, a full college education. Yes, he has 2 AA degrees, and while I tried to get him to go back to school to complete his bachelor's degree, he always had some excuse why he couldn't do it, then take some class that didn't have credits towards his degree, but may or may not have furthered his career. Either way, I supported him in his doing so. When I wanted to try to to go back to school, there was always a reason or excuse as to why I couldn't...we didn't have the money, I was working full time, I was raising 5 kids, and where would I find the time to do this? There were any number of reasons, and so, I felt defeated, and just didn't do it. Now, here I am standing on the precipice, and ready to dive in, head first, into something that is really scaring me to bits!
So, now, this is me, saying: "Watch me do this! I'm going to do this, and not only will I do this, I will do it well, and am planning on graduating with as close to a 4.0 as I can get"!
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