Fair? NOT!

Lazy days are great.  I'm enjoying being totally lazy today.  I sat on my front porch, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and enjoying my Cherry tree.  


The problem with lazy days is that I get to thinking...A LOT!  This isn't always a bad thing, but sometimes, I think about crazy stuff.  Today, I find myself thinking (over-analyzing, anyway) about a conversation that I had Monday morning, VERY EARLY on Monday morning, with my best friend.  He seems to think that I have not given myself enough time to get to know myself, and that I'm looking for a "feeling".  As I think about that, I think that he's wrong. I know what I want, and I don't really want that "feeling" of new love, where you're just obsessed with that person.  I don't really like that strong feeling, and find that it is kind of scary.  


What I really want is that comfortable feeling with another person.  It's that ease of relating with each other, enjoying that person's company, without having to say anything, deep discussions that make you think, and giggling together.  That's what I really want.  I want someone who gets me, and who I get.  I also want chemistry...and now, I'm starting to think that what I want is impossible to find.  


At this point, I just want my divorce to be legalized, so that I can finally get that behind me.  Maybe once that's done, I'll be able to think about other things and get moving forward.  Maybe that's my problem...I'm not really ready to move forward, and it bothers me that it was so easy for Kent to move forward, to forge a new life without me.  Maybe I am just not over grieving for the loss of my hopes, plans and dreams for our future together.  Maybe I'm becoming bitter.  I don't know.  I really don't know.  I don't think it's fair, though that he's moved on...to greener pastures, so to speak, and I also think that the grass is always greener on the other side because there's more bullshit over there.  Anyway, I digress.  I think that I just want to be comfortable in my own skin right now.  I want the fight of the divorce to be over.  Even though Kent doesn't seem to think that there will be a fight, as soon as I ask for alimony, there will be...he won't be able to help himself on that front.  I'll fight for what I need to have.  I will NOT be living under the poverty level, while he gets to go forward with all that we BOTH worked hard for.  


So, life's not fair...not that I expect it to be, but come-on, and give me a break once in awhile!

I give up!

So, this is it...I give up!  I am tired of the online dating scene.  Personally, I think that dating just sucks.  The whole thing is crazy.  After the X-rated photos that were sent to me a couple of weeks ago, I am refusing to do this anymore.  I think that I'm going to meet men the old-fashioned way...which means that I'm just going to run into men wherever I may find myself.  


This means that I'm getting out more.  I'm doing more things.  I want to do those things.  Next stop...new library card, as I need to read...and want to do so, and maybe, I'll meet someone there.


I've started making new friends.  Had drinks with a girlfriend on Friday night.  We had a great time.  Played some pool, and played poorly...however, I'm getting better.  That's a good thing.  


I've had my daughter here the past 2 weeks, and her boyfriend was here this past week.  So, this is the first week that I'll have my new basement apartment to myself!  YAY!  I'm kind of excited about that.  I spent my day cleaning up, doing laundry, and watching The Gilmore Girls on dvd.


As to giving up....well, maybe not totally, but in the internet dating scene, I'm done.

Easter

Happy Easter to everyone.  I have spent my day with my daughter, Shayna, her new boyfriend, Matt, Momma P., Pappy, Rachel, and Diane.  Chey will be here later, and tomorrow, will be up at the camper.  As much as I love holidays, I can't help but be a little bit sad as well.  


I can't help but think that there are people who are missing.  My son, Christopher, his wife, and sons, who refuse to speak to me anymore; my son, Andrew, who is in Arkansas; and my son, David, who is going through his own hard times, and doesn't want much to do with me either.   I know that Christopher's decisions are his own, and I respect them, however, it still just really hurts to know that he won't speak to me, that he has chosen this path.  It causes a lot of pain.


I also know that I have my own abandonment issues, and this makes me hurt all the more.  I would love nothing more than to have a holiday with my family all around me.  I've always been very family focused, and to not have 3 of my children here saddens me.  It is what it is.  


I am very thankful that Shayna is here.  She is the light of my life, and makes me realize how fully fortunate I am, that I have her.  


Anyway...here's sending y'all Blessed Easter Wishes!  I am hoping that you are spending your day surrounded by your families, and enjoying their company.  Sending love!

Ahhh April

It's April and Spring is finally springing.  The tree in my front yard is starting to bloom, and I can see that it's a Japanese Cherry Tree.  It will be beautiful when it finally blooms all the way.  All of those pink blossoms...pretty!  


The weather is starting to warm up, and it's short's weather.  I had to purchase new shorts, because all of my old ones were way too big.  I was literally swimming in them.  YAY!  Weight loss has been good.  I'm starting to use an Ab Roller, and hopefully, by next summer, I might just get into a bikini...Not getting my hopes, up, but at least I'm exercising.  


I've moved to the basement "semi-apartment" in our house.  I call it a "semi" apartment because I don't have a full bath or a kitchen, and have to go upstairs for those things...but I don't mind.  I'm working on where I want to put all of my stuff...not that I have very much, but I have some stuff.  Lamar left me a beautiful bedroom suite, a living room that was fully furnished, including a HUGE tv...I'm in heaven!  The sofas are black leather, and so, I'm thinking to add some kind of color, and I think that I want hot pink in here.  It'll look really pretty with all of that black.  I'm also thinking of doing some kind of sofa sized painting.  I want to do it myself.  So maybe just get a big canvas, already stretched, and do something with hot pink and orange paint.  Not sure if I want to use acrylics or oils, but am leaning towards the acrylics.  


Shayna had her MRI done on her left knee yesterday.  Now, we're just waiting for the results.  My life has been pretty busy lately, and I've been doing a lot of traveling.  I have to head down to Lynchburg, VA for my dad's birthday at the end of this month.  Am hoping that things will slow down a bit.


I haven't even had the time to date lately.  Not that I want to do a whole lot of dating.  I'm finding that men, for the most part, are stupid.  Who REALLY wants to receive a photo of a man's private parts on their cell phone?  NOT ME!  I don't understand WHY someone would send that to me, and I didn't ASK for it.  What provokes someone to do that?  HELLO?  Do they think that it turns me on?  Is that supposed to make me want to have sex with them?  Do I look like a woman who is only looking for sex?  Heck, I can get that anytime.  I want a RELATIONSHIP!  Is it THAT difficult for men to actually WANT a relationship with a nice woman?  If they want it, here's some advice, QUIT ACTING LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD!