A year sure changes things

As I drove to Maryland this afternoon, I was thinking, as it's a 2 hour drive, and I was by myself, so I had some time.  A year ago today, I was a happily married woman.  It wasn't until Friday, that my whole world came crashing down around my head.  But that Thursday night, a year ago,  I was happy and married.  It will be a full year, tomorrow, that my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore, and wanted a divorce.  That was the first time that he'd said anything like that to me.  We were at a Family Life Marriage Conference.  But the night before, I knew nothing was going on.  


So, because I knew nothing, I was ignorant in my bliss.  I thought that my husband loved me, and our family, and the life that we had built and were still building for ourselves.  


Now, a year later, and I am sitting at my computer, on the eve before my daughter's best friend's memorial service, and I'm just sad.  I've learnt a lot in this past year.


I've learned not to take people for granted, as they can be taken away in a single moment.  I've learned to love those around me.  I've learned to just be in the moment, and enjoy the moment, and stop worrying about tomorrow so much, because the truth is that more than 2/3's of what I worry about never comes true anyway.  I've learned that I do really like myself, and am comfortable in my own company.  I've also learned that I really do want to be in a relationship at some point.  I've learned that it's OK to cry, and that crying in and of itself is a release, and that release is necessary.  I've learned that I like the truth, and prefer to hear it, in all of it's forms than any kind of lie.  I've learned that I'm not perfect, not that I ever thought that I was, but it was kind of an epiphany, after the separation, and it's OK to not be perfect either.


I've also learned what I want in a future relationship, and that I'm really not willing to settle for any less.  I want to be someone's first priority, as it should be, I want to know that my significant other really loves me above all others (children, notwithstanding), and that he'd protect me, love me, and allow me to be me.  I want someone who will accept that I am a flawed human being, and still love me anyway, without trying to change me.  These are no longer negotiable, as far as I am concerned.  


So, a year later, and I'm still alive, even though, at the time, I thought that this news would surely kill me, that I am OK without a husband, and that I'm going to make it through all of this.