Grief

Today, so much has hit me.  I am truly grieving, for a lot of things.  First off, for the loss of my daughter's friend, secondly, for the death of my marriage, and thirdly for the loss of being a full time mom.  


It just feels as though every step that I take forward, I've slid backwards about 5.  It's frustrating for me.  I know that there will be an end to the mourning and the grief, but for the next 24 hours, I'm going to allow the tears to come as they may.  I have a feeling that they'll be coming for awhile too.  Too much to cry over.


The loss of JC has been so shocking to so many people.  My daughter is a mess over it, and I'm at a loss for what to say to her, and can only listen, and love her through this.  His mother, my friend, is hanging in there, as only a strong woman can do.  She is strong, and she will make it through this.  It still doesn't stop my heart from breaking for her, and her husband, and their daughter.  I can't believe that I'll never see his smiling face again, and that he'll never walk through my front door yelling "Hey Momma" in his Eastern Shore accent, and that he'll never call my daughter again at 4 am, singing to her, or rapping to her, or quoting "Fishing in the Dark".  Shayna's tears tear me up, and it just kills me to not be able to take this pain away from her.


Then, after my soon-to-be-ex informed me that he was bringing a date to his Memorial Service, it dawned on me that I do not care what he does anymore, and I do not want anything to do with him.  I will take care of myself, as I have always done.  I know that I wrote about forgiveness the other day, but right now, I am so angry at him for so many things, and right now, I think he's the worst person on the face of the planet.  I absolutely do NOT want him back.  However, when the time comes, I will get mine, and I'll do it through the court system.