While thinking of love in general, I'm thinking also of fire...how it grows, how it takes on a mind of it's own, and how it burns. Anyone with Fire Education will know that what I am getting ready to say is very true. About fire, and that fire is a living breathing creature, that can consume, or it can be used by humans as well.
I think that so many people really want that white hot feeling of new love....you know what I'm talking about...that time when everything is new, and you can't get enough of that other person, and you spend time on the phone saying things like: "I love you, no, I love you more, hang up first...no YOU hang up first". The passion is so easily stoked, and you want to touch that person, you feel as though you cannot get close enough to that person, and you feel as though you will lose yourself in that person. Those feelings are awesome. They can be unbelievably overwhelming. Sometimes, they are very scary.
But me...what I prefer is that soft glow of the embers of the after burn...when love has had some years under it's belt. It's THOSE embers that we nurture, that we feed, some days, we'll feed it to blue hot flames, and the love-making is beyond words, other days, we just let those embers burn, the calm love-making, of a couple who is secure in their relationship. That's the time that I love...those are the manageable flames. They are best for cooking upon...or roasting marshmallows for S'mores, or just for keeping the home warm. The white hot flames are dangerous, as any fire fighter knows...as are the blue, green, and red hot flames, but those embers, those embers can last a lifetime, as long as they are properly cared for, and stoked from time to time.
That's the long lasting love. The love that never dies, that never burns itself out. It's the love that I see older couples, who walk on the boardwalk at the beach, just holding each other's hands...it's the love that I see when a wife of 50 or so years is watching her husband pass away, and holds his hand, so that he is not alone, it's that love that I wanted. I still want it. I want to be someone's ember. I think that I deserve to have that. I wanted that with my current husband, who will soon be an ex. Truth be told, I still love him. I don't like what he is doing to me, to our relationship, to our family...I don't like it all. I also am smart enough to know that the opposite of love is not hate....Love and Hate walk a very fine line, as they are equally passionate emotions. The opposite of love is actually indifference. I'm not indifferent as to what happens to Kent. I truly want him to be happy, even if means that I am miserable. And I am miserable without him. I will do what a submissive wife does, and I'll sign the papers that he wants me to sign, to give him his freedom, and hopefully, one day, he'll find that white hot love again, but it worries me that when it burns out to those embers, if he'll do the same thing to the next woman in his life...and then, he won't be able to blame me for it...as I won't be a part of the equation.
I am hoping that I'll find a man at some point, when I am finally over my husband of 13 years, who will think that I am enough, that I hung the moon, and I'll think that he hung the sun, and those embers, those lovely embers, will be what we both want to nurture, and it's that person that I want to hold my hand as we walk along the beach, or when it's my turn to die, so that I won't be alone.
It's what I wish for my elder children too...for them to find those embers to be as lovely as I find them. To find them comforting, to know that those embers will be what holds them together. To find that their spouse will be the one holding their hand as they die, so that they won't be alone either. So, Christopher, Andrew, Shayna, Jennifer, and David....try to realize that while the WHITE HOT FLAMES are exciting, they aren't what maintains a relationship, or a marriage. It's those embers that do that.
Know also, that there's no one who loves you more than I do, as your mom. For 3 of you, it's MOM...for 2 of you, it's Momma! And for all 5 of you, I want you to be happy, to be healthy, and to find your life's path, as God has set it out for you. I want you to know that your spouse thinks that you are enough, just as you are, and doesn't want to change you, or doesn't think that you do things well enough. I know for a fact that My Christopher is a wonderful husband, who loves his wife above all others, and I know that his wife loves him above all others. For Andrew, I wish for him to find a relationship similar to his brothers, in which he is loved above all others, and he loves his wife above all others, when the time comes for him to marry. For Shayna, I wish the exact same thing, and for David as well, and even my eldest step-child, Jennifer, I wish that for her too. For all of my children, know that no mother could love you more than I do, and no mother wants the best for you, more than I do. You are my children. Do not ever forget that. Remember that the white hot flames die out, and those lovely embers, are left...take care of those embers, my children..as they will sustain your marriages until "Death us do part."
No comments:
Post a Comment