In my head

You know, the things that go on in my head are pretty scary things.  I have this running dialog going on in my brain.  It tells me all the time that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not a good wife, not a good mother, not a good friend, no lovable, not anything.  I would love for these thoughts to just go away.  Why is it that it's so much easier to believe the bad things that people say about us, but not the good things?  Why is it that the one person that was supposed to love and protect me was the one who hurt me the most.  I have felt, for the last 10 years of our marriage that nothing I ever did was good enough.  I didn't cook well enough, I couldn't decorate our family home good enough, I didn't listen enough, I didn't pay the bills well enough, I didn't raise our children well enough, I was always selfish, I was a control freak, I was anal retentive, I was a bitch, I made his life a living hell, I wasn't good enough in bed, I didn't give him enough sex, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.  


A friend of mine, from high school, on FB posted on my wall today, in some new word game, where you're supposed to describe your friends in one word, said that my word was "HURT".  God, why does someone whom I haven't had contact with in 25+ years, and when we did go to school together, we didn't really know each other, knows how hurt I am, but yet the person who was supposed to love me never saw that?  How is that even possible?  I AM WOUNDED!  I just want to crawl into a hole and just sleep there...sleep for a very long time.  It's all I really want to do.  


I can't do that, however, because I have to work, I have to pay bills, I have to do things....why?  Because I HAVE TO!  My whole life has been "HAVE TO".  I'm tired of the HAVE TO.  I'd rather have "I WANT TO".  


Ahhh...this journey of finding myself is not an easy one.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm not Kent's wife, I'm not a full time mother, and I'm not really even me...I'm just an empty shell...waiting to be filled, and wanting to fill myself, but I don't know how just yet.  I'll figure it out, somehow, and hopefully sometime soon, but right now, right now, I just want to sleep!