I went to the jewelers on Wednesday, to see what could be done with my bridal set. I'm never going to wear it again, and I just can't see selling it, since the marriage ended in divorce, I didn't want to see another woman wearing my rings. So, I decided a while ago that I would melt down the gold, and make something really pretty and new with the diamonds. After all, the diamonds were purchased for ME, and if that diamond company's sales pitch is correct, Diamonds are for Forever. So, I'm going to get 2 pieces of jewelry out of my set...a pair of diamond earrings (that Kent thought I didn't deserve), and a beautiful pendant.
While at the jewelry store, the jeweler was getting a good look at my rings, and said "Whoa, there are inscriptions in these rings". "Yes", I said, "which is exactly why I want to watch y'all melt down my rings". I also couldn't imagine another woman walking around, wearing MY rings, with the inscriptions in them, as they are nothing more than empty words and broken promises to me. Chalk it up to me thinking that my rings are bad luck, and I also wouldn't want another woman walking around, wearing my bad luck rings.
The inscription in my engagement ring is: "Love Of My Life", and the inscription in my wedding bad is: "Forever Loving You". Now, maybe y'all can understand why I want to watch them melt down those words. Those were words that I believed in, and trusted. Now, those words are a broken promise, and only cause me pain. I can't even explain as to how much those words hurt me. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, because I truly did put all of my trust into those empty words. Now, I'm sure that at the time that Kent had them engraved to say those things, that he meant them, but the problem with engraving a bridal set is that the wedding vows are supposed to be "until death us do part", not "until I fall out of love with you".
Then, for Christmas last year, Kent bought me a Claddah ring. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an Irish symbol of love, loyalty, and friendship. The hands (friendship) hold a heart (love), that is wearing a crown (loyalty). There is also meaning in how and where the ring is worn. If it is worn on the right hand, with the heart's point pointing away from the wrist, it means that your heart is open for love, if it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing towards your wrist, it means that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are wearing that ring on your left hand, and the heart is facing away from your wrist, you are engaged to be married, and if it is facing your wrist, you are married. It was so wrong of him to have bought me THAT ring this past Christmas, because he KNEW he was going to ask me for a divorce. When I opened it, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he really did love me still, and wanted to work on our marriage. I was wrong, so very wrong...and I'm not sure that I'd confronted those feelings up until recently. I can't believe that I actually believed that he'd want to stay married to me. I also can't believe how raw that makes me feel, and how vulnerable it makes me feel to express how much that hurt me. Not just express it, but to confront it as well.
My heart has been stomped on so much this past year, and it really just can't take too much more. It wants so much to believe that there is really someone out there for me, but in wanting to believe that, it means that I have to put my heart out there for someone to smash it to bits again, and I really don't know if my heart could take that again. I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, and protect it forever. I'm not so sure that I'll allow myself to trust someone else to protect it, that's for sure. I want that, I really do, but I don't know that I'm ready for it.
So, about those inscriptions in my bridal set...I don't believe those words either. Empty promises, as usual. And then there's anger at myself for believing them, for believing in him, and for trusting that he'd always be there, loving me, forever loving me.
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