White Hot Flames

While thinking of love in general, I'm thinking also of fire...how it grows, how it takes on a mind of it's own, and  how it burns.  Anyone with Fire Education will know that what I am getting ready to say is very true.  About fire, and that fire is a living breathing creature, that can consume, or it can be used by humans as well. 

I think that so many people really want that white hot feeling of new love....you know what I'm talking about...that time when everything is new, and you can't get enough of that other person, and you spend time on the phone saying things like: "I love you, no, I love you more, hang up first...no YOU hang up first".  The passion is so easily stoked, and you want to touch that person, you feel as though you cannot get close enough to that person, and you feel as though you will lose yourself in that person.  Those feelings are awesome.  They can be unbelievably overwhelming.  Sometimes, they are very scary.  

But me...what I prefer is that soft glow of the embers of the after burn...when love has had some years under it's belt.  It's THOSE embers that we nurture, that we feed, some days, we'll feed it to blue hot flames, and the love-making is beyond words, other days, we just let those embers burn, the calm love-making, of a couple who is secure in their relationship.  That's the time that I love...those are the manageable flames.  They are best for cooking upon...or roasting marshmallows for S'mores, or just for keeping the home warm.  The white hot flames are dangerous, as any fire fighter knows...as are the blue, green, and red hot flames, but those embers, those embers can last a lifetime, as long as they are properly cared for, and stoked from time to time.  

That's the long lasting love.  The love that never dies, that never burns itself out.  It's the love that I see older couples, who walk on the boardwalk at the beach, just holding each other's hands...it's the love that I see when a wife of 50 or so years is watching her husband pass away, and holds his hand, so that he is not alone, it's that love that I wanted.  I still want it.  I want to be someone's ember.  I think that I deserve to have that.  I wanted that with my current husband, who will soon be an ex.  Truth be told, I still love him.  I don't like what he is doing to me, to our relationship, to our family...I don't like it all.  I also am smart enough to know that the opposite of love is not hate....Love and Hate walk a very fine line, as they are equally passionate emotions.  The opposite of love is actually indifference.  I'm not indifferent as to what happens to Kent.  I truly want him to be happy, even if means that I am miserable.  And I am miserable without him.  I will do what a submissive wife does, and I'll sign the papers that he wants me to sign, to give him his freedom, and hopefully, one day, he'll find that white hot love again, but it worries me that when it burns out to those embers, if he'll do the same thing to the next woman in his life...and then, he won't be able to blame me for it...as I won't be a part of the equation.  

I am hoping that I'll find a man at some point, when I am finally over my husband of 13 years, who will think that I am enough, that I hung the moon, and I'll think that he hung the sun, and those embers, those lovely embers, will be what we both want to nurture, and it's that person that I want to hold my hand as we walk along the beach, or when it's my turn to die, so that I won't be alone.  

It's what I wish for my elder children too...for them to find those embers to be as lovely as I find them.  To find them comforting, to know that those embers will be what holds them together.  To find that their spouse will be the one holding their hand as they die, so that they won't be alone either.  So, Christopher, Andrew, Shayna, Jennifer, and David....try to realize that while the WHITE HOT FLAMES are exciting, they aren't what maintains a relationship, or a marriage.  It's those embers that do that.

Know also, that there's no one who loves you more than I do, as your mom.  For 3 of you, it's MOM...for 2 of you, it's Momma!  And for all 5 of you, I want you to be happy, to be healthy, and to find your life's path, as God has set it out for you.  I want you to know that your spouse thinks that you are enough, just as you are, and doesn't want to change you, or doesn't think that you do things well enough.  I know for a fact that My Christopher is a wonderful husband, who loves his wife above all others, and I know that his wife loves him above all others.  For Andrew, I wish for him to find a relationship similar to his brothers, in which he is loved above all others, and he loves his wife above all others, when the time comes for him to marry.  For Shayna, I wish the exact same thing, and for David as well, and even my eldest step-child, Jennifer, I wish that for her too.  For all of my children, know that no mother could love you more than I do, and no mother wants the best for you, more than I do.  You are my children.  Do not ever forget that.  Remember that the white hot flames die out, and those lovely embers, are left...take care of those embers, my children..as they will sustain your marriages until "Death us do part."  

Thinking

I'm sitting here, in my bed...kind of something that I enjoy doing...first off, because my bed is REALLY comfortable, and secondly, because it's 11:02 pm...and I'm thinkin'.  Sometimes, that's not such a good thing, my sitting here thinkin', but tonight, I think that it's a good thing.


I'm thinkin' that I really need to just pull myself away from some issues, and then put myself in the front row for others, and still, for other situations, I have to actually come off of the sidelines, and jump into the fray.  


My ex says that I'm a fighter...I've always been a fighter...sometimes, I'm scrappy, and I'll kick some major booty if I feel it's necessary, and others, it's just a war of words...of which, I'll also kick some major booty, because I have a much better vocabulary (thanks Mrs. Wolfe for your awesome teaching skills, and for making me read!) than my opponent.  It means that I don't give up very easily, and if I think that I am right...and I do my research, then I'll beat a dead horse, until it's lying in pieces.  Other times, I may just shut up, and allow the other person to hang themselves...and sometimes, the later is just more fun!  


Sometimes, however, I spend way too much time in my own head.  Today, has been one of those days.  I've spent way too much time in my own head.  When that happens, I usually end up miserable, and today, I asked Brian to postpone hang out time, until tomorrow, because I was too much in my head, and ended up in tears over stupid stuff.  


Truth is that I'm tired of crying...and the other truth is that I know there will be more tears.  Matter of fact, I'm not sure when there will be an end to the tears.  I know it won't be this week, that's for sure.  I know for a fact, that I'll probably end up driving home from Gettysburg in a cloud of tears and sorrow for my son.  At this point, there's no sense in worrying, as it won't change anything, and there is nothing that I can really do.  It's all in the hands of a juvenile judge, who will do what he has to do, and I will ask for the strictest allowable sentence for my kid, who needs it, to hopefully, bring him back to where he needs to be, and for his father, who, in my not-so-humble-opinion, needs to have his ASS whipped!  So...for now, I'm going to borrow my best friend's netflix account, and watch Dane Cook.  I've heard that he's really funny, and the other truth is that I NEED A LAUGH!

Family

I'm wondering what the above word means to people...FAMILY.  To me, I guess it means those to whom I am connected.  It doesn't have to be a biological connection, because the truth is that I was adopted, so I really don't have more than casual friendships with my biological family, those whom I know.  So, there's my adopted family...where I am the eldest of 6 children, 4 of us adopted, and I'm not very close with any of them either.  I guess that's because I always feel judged by them.  


So,then, there's the family that we create as we become adults, and we have our own children, and they have children.  Since going through this ugliness called a divorce, it leaves me wondering about all of that too....Are the children that I raised, who were actually my ex-husband's biological children, and not mine, actually mine?  Were they ever really mine?  That's really difficult to judge these days, as I'm just not sure.  It was me, you know, who made sure that the ex-husband and I visited our eldest son and his family 4 times a year, and it was me, who had to hear him complain about having to take the time off to go, and it was me, who had to hear him complain about the money we were spending, and whatever else it was that he complained about.  But yet, the one thing that I've wanted to do all summer, he's doing this weekend.  He's visiting our grandkids, our son, and our daughter-in-love.  So...who keeps the kids?


I'm watching my 16 year old son's life, literally, fall apart in front of my eyes, yet NO ONE thought that it just MIGHT be important to inform this kid's mother that he was in trouble.  Now, it's too late for me to fix it, and this kid will have to face whatever the court hands to him on Tuesday.  That, in and of itself, is breaking my heart.  His father truly doesn't think that I belong in that child's life, and for that, I'm going to have to hold him in contempt of court, which will just leave my son angry and push him further away from me.  I haven't the foggiest of ideas of what to do about him.  


Then, I spent my day at another family reunion...and it was interesting, to meet some new people, but really, they aren't mine either.  Yes, I know that they love me, and that I am family, but it just doesn't seem the same.  I must say how much I love this new family that I'm creating, of people who love me, and surround me with how much they love me.  I'm thankful to them for that much.  


So, I haven't figured out what the true meaning of FAMILY is...but I also think that it has to do with the fact that families are always evolving, always growing, always moving.  It's not a bad thing, really, it is just how it is.  Now, it leaves me to get it figured out for myself...  

Legal/not Legal...I don't friggin' Care!

Today was a mixture of good, bad, and just downright UGLY!  I got home this morning before the sun came up, after a great time spent with my best friend.  Then, I got to sleep for about 3 hours, and the day started at 1 pm.  


I received a phone call from my 16 year old son, David's, caseworker.  Can I just say that the news is NOT good news.  I literally had a panic attack on the phone with the caseworker.  I am beside myself over what he told me.  First off, for those of you who don't know me well, my son lives with his father, my first ex-husband, and we have shared physical and shared legal custody of David.  Now, last year, my son started experimenting with drugs, mostly pot, as far as I know, and when I had a call from his father, regarding this, I said that I wanted to put David into a rehab program.  His father did NOT take my advice, and the school did NOT notify me, regarding my son's truancy, as well as the fact that he was caught on school property with pot.  So, long story short, we had to go in front of a judge in May, to have them decide that David will now be a ward of the court.  Oh, also understand that Children and Youth of Adams County, PA DID not notify me either...and my ex did NOT tell them about our court ordered custody agreement.  So, I had to appear in front of a judge, with very little knowledge of what was even going on, and had to EXPLAIN to him that there IS a custody agreement between my ex and me, and the judge was PISSED OFF!  You do NOT piss off a family court judge.  Not only was he pissed at my ex, but the school AND Children and Youth.  HA!  


The call that I got this early afternoon informed me that my son was supposed to have had a juvenile court trial at the end of June, stemming from the possession charges of having the pot at school, however, the Juvvie system postponed the case, due to the fact that David was caught, in Mid-June, in a car with an "ADULT", a person over 18, and the court decided that they would do ALL of the charges together...this is my son's 2nd drug charge.  He's 16!  I was also informed that my son and my ex signed papers with C&Y, and are to be in contact with the case-worker once a week, and they have NOT done that.  David FAILED Summer School, and the school did NOT notify me, as they are supposed to do...yes, I marched in there, with my original order, that they are to be following, and they STILL aren't following it...I'm going to get that dammed Assist. Principal FIRED if I have my way....as it is HIS job to notify me of these types of things.  Also, my son has an agreement with the school to not be truant, and he has missed THREE days since Aug. 28th!  Of course, yet again, I was not notified, which means that I will be calling the school tomorrow, and asking to speak to the PRINCIPAL this time, and if he can't SPEAK to me, then I'm going over his damned head to speak to the superintendent of the school district, and will go to the media if necessary, as they are in contempt of court over not notifying me of my son's grades and truancy issues.  


What all of this means is that I MUST SHOW UP AT COURT NEXT WEEK TUESDAY, for my son's criminal trial, and must go in front of a criminal Juvenile Judge, and inform HIM that the mother has NOT been NOTIFIED of any OF THIS!  So, we'll be PISSING OFF another JUDGE!  


I am not a happy camper.  If you pray, just pray that I will have the strength to do what needs to be done for my son...and by the way, I am going to ask the judge for the most strict sentence that he can give my son...I want for him to pay the consequences for his actions.  I also want him in an inpatient DRUG and ALCOHOL treatment program, away from Lancaster and Adams Counties.  


Oh, and the new caseworker likes me, and informed me that when we go for the next C&Y hearing on Oct. 4,  they are going to ask the judge to have David removed from his father's custody, and placed into mine.  Well, the truth is that I can't have David here...not when he's under the influence, and not clean and sober...not with my back condition and handicap.


Tough Love sucks!

I love a deal!

There is not much more that I love than getting a really good deal.  I ran into K-Mart today, really, to get dog food...as Libby was getting low, and I came across a clearance sale.  OMG!  My inner-shopaholic almost went completely crazy!  I did, however, buy a really cute top, and a new pair of jeans...I did NEED the jeans, as I only have one pair right now.  Whew...but I spend about 25 bucks on both.  


Tonight, I'm going out with Dan, for his birthday.  I'm really looking forward to that.  Party night's with Danny are always a lot of fun, and I need to go out and just get something to drink, shoot a bit of pool, and LAUGH until my sides hurt.  He makes me laugh so hard, and I really need that these days.  He keeps me from going totally postal, and I'm so thankful for our friendship.


It seems that so many people don't see that men and women can truly be just friends and have nothing else going on.  Yeah, we argue like a married couple, and the grocery clerk will sometimes give me HIS change...which just cracks me up...but the truth is, that we are really friends, and I hope that I also, keep him from going postal!


I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine...therefore, nothing wrong with that!


Oh, and Happy Birthday Danny!  Welcome to the 40's!

Drinks with the Soon To Be Ex Husband

This afternoon, my soon-to-be-ex-husband was in my town, visiting with his parents, and said he wanted to meet for drinks after he was finished with his visit.  Ok, so I went.  He wanted to discuss our divorce.  Interesting....I must say that he at least took me to a decent place, and paid for the drinks...yay....should have gotten a brandy instead of a Stella, but it was good.  The conversation was even better.  It's kind of nice to be able to talk to him, and not fight with him.


So, what's happening, he's going to pay for our divorce!  YAY!  Bad news...he can't file until 1 year from the date that he established residency in West Virginia.  So, that date is 8-16-2012.  The good news is that the residency waiting period, and the separation period are the same amount of time, and WVA takes those two time periods concurrently...which means, that we can file on 8-16, and hopefully, have everything finalized within 6 weeks of that date.  That would be great.  So...we'll be married, legally, for the next 11 months.  


In another way, this actually good for me...it means a WHOLE year on his insurance...and then we'll have that time to work on our settlement, and my spousal support.  


At this point, I just want to get it all over with, and not fight with him anymore.  I REALLY just want to get on with my life, allow for him to get on with his life, and for us to just share our kids and grandkids, and future grandchildren.  Even if we're not married, we can at least work on some kind of friendship, and wouldn't that just make everything easier?


I'm thinking that the answer to that would be yes...as long as we can work together.  It would be the best thing for everyone involved.  I want to be able to attend weddings where he'll be, because obviously, Shayna wants him to walk her down the Aisle...as HE should do!  He did the majority of the Daddying for her, and she is really more his than any one else's daughter, except MINE!  She adores him, and he adores her.  It's as it should be, and I don't think that our divorce should put her in a position where she has to choose sides.  I think that's heartbreaking for the kids.  Even if the kids are now adults.  Poor Shayna had to live in the same house with us, that last 6 months.  It was just as difficult on her as it was on us, and I'm sure maybe a bit worse, as she had to watch our marriage fall apart.  I am so sorry about that for her.  I wish it hadn't gone down that way.  It was an ugly time, but the truth is that I had to live there with him, for HER best interest, which was to stay at her high school, and NOT be uprooted 4 months before graduation.  It was important.  I loved her more than my need to get away from her daddy.  


He also bought a new-to-him vehicle.  It's a 2000 Range Rover Discovery.  It is REALLY nice....and he paid cash for it...what that means for Shayna is that our 2002 Ford Taurus, which does  have some problems, will be going to a friends to be fixed, and then will be handed down to Shayna, so that she'll have her own vehicle.  Kent and I decided that we'd give it to her, with the condition that she pay for 1/2 of the repair costs.  Kent and I think that it's important that she pay for that, so that the car will mean something to her.  Kent said that he'd pay for the repairs up front, but that she'd have to pay him back.  That's a pretty good deal, as we all know, that Daddy will work with Shayna.  She is a bit spoiled, even if he doesn't want to totally admit it...but she is.  I'm sure that I'll have to remind her to pay her daddy....Or, she could pay me, and I'll send daddy a check for  her.  Although, she DID open up her first bank account...I'm so proud of her, and even happier that it's with the same bank that I bank with, which means if money gets a bit tight for her, that I will be able to transfer funds into her account...which makes me feel a little better, should she get into trouble with her allergy serum.  Every 10 weeks, she has to have a re-fill, and it's about $100.00 for that tiny little bottle of stuff that needs to be injected.  Then it's about 13$ for her syringes, and so, she still needs a bit of help with that. 


Shayna told me today that she is working at Kohls in Easton, has interviewed at Applebees, and she is also going to be helping one of my friends who runs 2 bed and breakfasts, which will be great for her, and it means that if she plays this right, and keeps saving money back, she'll have the money to pay for 1/2 of the repairs.  


I guess it just goes to show that people who are going through a divorce can do so on civil terms.  I don't want to drag him through the mud, unless i HAVE to do it...BUT I'd really rather not.  I think that things have been ugly enough, don't you?  

Insomnia SUCKS

Insomnia is my worst enemy.   First off, it starts sort of benignly, by my not being able to get comfortable enough to sleep, then, as I get frustrated, it just gets worse, and worse.  Tonight, just happens to be one of those nights.  It doesn't help that I'm a natural night owl, and the fact that the ex used to get up in the am and feed breakfast, while I did the 2 am bed-checks...yes, with teenagers, one must make 2 am bed-checks...especially when a 14 year old girl looks you straight in the face and has the nerve to ask what would happen if one of them had snuck out in the  middle of the night.  The answer was that that child would find ME sleeping in their bed, and what is the worst part of this...I do NOT wake up well...and even my then 4 year old said to a friend of ours: "peas don't wake my mommy, seee's awfuuuullly MEAN in da' mornin''!  Now if a 4 year old realizes this, wouldn't ya think that the 14 year old would see it as well?  


So, now, I'm stuck on that same stinking clock...And I've tried everything...staying up until it's time to go to sleep the next night, and then, I'm actually TOO tired TO sleep...I've had this problem for as long as I can remember.  I can sleep all day, but then I'm up all night!  So, if anyone has any ideas, besides what I'm already doing, which is taking a good multi-vitamin, getting out of my bed in the am and not getting back into it at least until 9 pm, and then, I also take an Rx sleeping pill....which is the other reason that I wake up so poorly, because I feel like I have to literally CRAWL out the unconsciousness.     


The other contributing factor to the insomnia is depression, and then chronic pain on top of it, and it makes it difficult for me to get comfortable enough to sleep.  I've tried turning off the TV, but then it's TOO freaking quiet, and then I hear all of these crazy noises, and those will keep me up too...




Am thinking that I'm going to need to talk to my doctor about all of this...as the meds aren't working...took the dang thing at 11 pm, and here it is, 3:54 am, and I am still WIDE awake.  I need to get moving tomorrow, and head over to York, as I have to pick up a medication, some dog food, and I'd like to go to Bath and Body Works, as my mom sent me a lovely check for my birthday, and I love their Japanese Cherry Blossom soap and spray...it just smells really good, and remember, I'm kind of pampering myself this week...so, I say it's a necessity.  Plus, the bestie and I want to go out Sunday night, and I'd LOVE to find a cute/sexy top for that evening...Ahhh...gotta love Lane Bryant for us bigger girls.