Emotional Day

Today has been a bit emotional for me.  I woke up to a text from my first ex-husband saying that our son has been placed in Out of School Suspension for tomorrow and Wednesday, because he was causing problems on the school bus.  HE found out on Friday, but didn't inform me until this morning, saying that he had an issue with his cell phone, and couldn't call me.  Convenient, I'd say!  


Then, this afternoon, I was catching up on last weeks Dr. Phil episodes, and there was on with Char Margolis, John Edwards, and Glynis McCant....mediums and a numerologist.  So, Lamar, Shayna and I decided to get onto this numerology site that gives your numbers for your name, and while reading through my description, so many things hit home, and definitely freaked me out a bit.  I've never really given much thought to this kind of thing, as I just figured that since we were given free will, that our choices in the present will predict our futures, and past behavior will predict future behavior.  

What set me off the most was the last couple of lines of the explaination: "You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit."  WOW!  That is exactly what I have always wanted!  What I thought that I had.  It hurts to know that somehow, I've lost that.  I had to hand my computer to Lamar, to have him finish reading it, and go outside, smoke a cigarette, pace the front porch, and let the tears flow.  I still don't like to cry in front of people....makes me feel weak, but I'm getting better with allowing myself to cry things out.  I'm still a bit freaked out about the lost possibilities.  I'm still grieving over those.  I'm still a bit raw there.  

However, it was pointed out to me, by Momma P. that I still have the possibility of fostering the perfect family in the perfect home.  I can still do that.  I could find the perfect man for me, and we could forge a perfect home for us, and we could live together, for the rest of our lives in happiness, but I'm not so sure that it exists.  Even after a lovely date last night, and the fact that I really did enjoy this gentleman's company.  And he WAS a gentleman, in every aspect of the word, and I appreciate that in a man.  He even told me to text someone in my family, when he got up to go to the restroom, and let them know that I was ok.  Of course, I texted Momma P. and she was pleased that he told me to do that.  It was a new quality that I have never come across in a man, and certainly not in any of the men that I have met lately.  Nice to know that he thought about me and my family in that manner, and wanted to make me feel comfortable, as well as allow for my family to be comfortable that I was out with him.  That's a pretty big deal for me!  So, we'll see where this goes...I'm keeping an open mind...and an open attitude about it, and about dating in general...I'm still open to dating...and plan on doing just that...maybe, just maybe there is someone out there for me too.