"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." WEB DuBois
The above quote comes from WEB DuBois, and was used in the movie "Akeelah and the Bee". The movie, itself was great, and tells about how we should believe in ourselves. The above quote was used to magnify that thought.
As I read this quote, it says so much to me. Who ARE we to ask ourselves these things? Why do we not just accept them? Why do we spend so much time in our own heads listening to every bad thought that we've ever had? I listen to those thoughts all of the time...I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not whatever it is that my evil thoughts tells me. It's not for us to say those things. We should be kinder to ourselves. We should tell ourselves that we ARE Beautiful, lovable, fine, sexy, whatever it is that we want that is good. Positivity will take you far, and that's what I'm dealing with in my life...I want to just stay positive, and keep a good attitude. Only then will I have what I want in my life. Why find fault in everything and everyone? It only hurts me in the long run. Why have expectations of others? It only hurts me in the long run. Why not just enjoy what I have in this moment in time? Well, that's what I am doing. I'm enjoying what I have in THIS moment in time. I'm still fighting for what I need, and for what I believe in, but I'm going to enjoy the people who are in my life, right now. I'm not going to have expectations of them, or me, for that matter, at least not right now.
In that, I think I'm being kinder to myself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day After a Big Snow
Today, I woke up to snow melting everywhere. Last night, I allowed Libby to be off of her leash for a bit, and she was running around like a rabbit in this snow. I would have sworn that she had springs in all 4 of her paws. I love how much that dog loves the snow. She was chasing snowballs and catching them, and just really enjoying it.
Today, the snow is melting. That always makes me a little bit sad, but it's part of getting snow in October in PA. You kind of know that it won't stick around for too long.
Which makes me think of relationships, all over again. Not just love relationships, but friendships as well. My friend, Pattie, wrote in her blog today about fake friends, and that got me thinking as well.
I have a few very long lasting friendships. I love and try to nurture those friendships as much as possible, with everyone living their busy lives. But, my love relationships, don't seem to last. I'm not sure if they're supposed to last. It goes back to fire...fire's not supposed to last either...coals are a different thing, but fire, can be dangerous or it can be helpful.
It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong here...is it me? Could it be the men I've chosen, I don't know. I think that maybe I should just stick with friendships for awhile...that way, my heart doesn't get broken, yet again. I'm not sure if I could take another heartbreak like that. I think I'll just stick with friends...benefits could be a nice thing, and I won't confuse that with love...it's different...good thing too.
Maybe I need to pick better men...maybe I need to really LOOK at them before jumping into relationships with them. Look at who they are as people first, and then decide if I want to spend time with them...I do that with my friends...why don't I do that with my love relationships? Is it that I want them to be something that they aren't, do I want them to change for me? Am I demanding? Do I expect too much from them? I don't know...am still trying to figure that out. I just know that if I have another love relationship, I'll try to do some things differently.
Today, the snow is melting. That always makes me a little bit sad, but it's part of getting snow in October in PA. You kind of know that it won't stick around for too long.
Which makes me think of relationships, all over again. Not just love relationships, but friendships as well. My friend, Pattie, wrote in her blog today about fake friends, and that got me thinking as well.
I have a few very long lasting friendships. I love and try to nurture those friendships as much as possible, with everyone living their busy lives. But, my love relationships, don't seem to last. I'm not sure if they're supposed to last. It goes back to fire...fire's not supposed to last either...coals are a different thing, but fire, can be dangerous or it can be helpful.
It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong here...is it me? Could it be the men I've chosen, I don't know. I think that maybe I should just stick with friendships for awhile...that way, my heart doesn't get broken, yet again. I'm not sure if I could take another heartbreak like that. I think I'll just stick with friends...benefits could be a nice thing, and I won't confuse that with love...it's different...good thing too.
Maybe I need to pick better men...maybe I need to really LOOK at them before jumping into relationships with them. Look at who they are as people first, and then decide if I want to spend time with them...I do that with my friends...why don't I do that with my love relationships? Is it that I want them to be something that they aren't, do I want them to change for me? Am I demanding? Do I expect too much from them? I don't know...am still trying to figure that out. I just know that if I have another love relationship, I'll try to do some things differently.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Snowy Day 2
Ahhh...so pretty! Had to add a photo from my walk this afternoon. I love how beautiful the world looks when it's all white and fluffy. So far, my power has stayed on, with no flickering, am hoping that it stays this way, as we have electric heat, and no other way to heat the apartment. Still, I'm loving this completely!
Snowy Day
I love snow! That's a good thing because we are getting hit quite hard with the white stuff. There's about 5 inches already on the ground, the roads are crappy, and I get to sit in my house, watching it fly. It's beautiful! This is also the first time that we've had measurable snow in the month of Oct. since 1979, and only the 3rd time that we've had measurable snow this month, since the late 1800's.
I know that I am fortunate, as I don't have to drive in it. It is messy. I don't HAVE to go anywhere today, because I was smart and took care of what I needed to do yesterday, so I get to stay home and just enjoy it. I'm cuddled up on my sofa, and I'm switching between the Penn State and Navy Football Games. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Football and SNOW! Whoo Hoo, I'm a happy camper!
I know that I am fortunate, as I don't have to drive in it. It is messy. I don't HAVE to go anywhere today, because I was smart and took care of what I needed to do yesterday, so I get to stay home and just enjoy it. I'm cuddled up on my sofa, and I'm switching between the Penn State and Navy Football Games. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Football and SNOW! Whoo Hoo, I'm a happy camper!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hurtful words
So, today, we had the Family Group Meeting for my 16 year old, and to be honest, it went well, and everyone had a chance to speak their minds, and be productive. I'm all for productive, as I can't stand to waste time, money, and energy...mainly because I have so little of all 3 of the above. There is more support on my ex-husband's side than I think we all realized, including him, which is an excellent thing...and right now, I'm hopeful that the future will be better. I'm still holding out all judgement until I see some follow through from everyone else involved, but that's to be expected, I'm sure.
As for the hurtful words, those came from my current husband who is soon to be an ex as well. We were talking on our cell phones, after we had left the meeting and were heading in our separate ways, and he said that he was able to spend more time with my son, and I asked how his schedule would allow for that, as his schedule and job have always taken precedence over everything else in our lives. I say OUR lives because it also affected me, and my life, his job. The man actually had the nerve to say to me the following sentence: and I quote: "I've now paid my dues, and have gotten to where I want to be in my career that I now have the freedom to choose how I spend my time". RRRREEEEAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????????????????? SERIOUSLY? You're actually saying this to me?
The reason that this specific statement was so hurtful was because this is the ONE thing that I had been begging him for for the past 14 years...Please spend more time with me, please spend more time with our kids, and he promised me that when he'd paid his dues, that there would be that time to spend with me and the kids...so I held on, I kept going, kept working just as hard as he did, raising the kids, keeping our home, working my 35+ hour a week job, as well as my volunteer position as an EMT to keep my skills up, and so, personally, I worked just as hard as he did, and to be perfectly honest, maybe harder, to get him where he wanted to get in his career field, so that WE, WE, could reap the benefits...but now, HE gets to reap them, and I am now working a part time job, looking for another part time job, and not seeing kids and grandkids because I can't afford it, and this was all part of that promise...that if we worked hard NOW, we could enjoy LATER...well, y'all...It's LATER...and I'm not getting the benefit of any of MY hard work, and my heart's been broken by this man, and now this? I am just really, really sad about it, and I don't know what to think. I know that the the world is NOT fair, but I really just want to shout like a 2 year old..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!"
When will I be able to reap the benefits of the hard work that I put into my life? That's my question...and I'm sure that it will stay unanswered for quite a long time because, truthfully, I don't think that I can trust another person with ME...who I am, how I feel, and what-not, because HE betrayed all of that, and it kills me that I am now so distrustful of other men. I don't trust what they say, and I want to, but I just can't. Not right now. Maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for me...I'm not so sure anymore, but if He does, and He's not just sitting up there laughing at me for believing my husband, and making my plans to reap the benefits of my hard work, then maybe someone will come into my life that will be too amazing to turn down...until then, I'm reserving my judgement.
As for the hurtful words, those came from my current husband who is soon to be an ex as well. We were talking on our cell phones, after we had left the meeting and were heading in our separate ways, and he said that he was able to spend more time with my son, and I asked how his schedule would allow for that, as his schedule and job have always taken precedence over everything else in our lives. I say OUR lives because it also affected me, and my life, his job. The man actually had the nerve to say to me the following sentence: and I quote: "I've now paid my dues, and have gotten to where I want to be in my career that I now have the freedom to choose how I spend my time". RRRREEEEAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????????????????? SERIOUSLY? You're actually saying this to me?
The reason that this specific statement was so hurtful was because this is the ONE thing that I had been begging him for for the past 14 years...Please spend more time with me, please spend more time with our kids, and he promised me that when he'd paid his dues, that there would be that time to spend with me and the kids...so I held on, I kept going, kept working just as hard as he did, raising the kids, keeping our home, working my 35+ hour a week job, as well as my volunteer position as an EMT to keep my skills up, and so, personally, I worked just as hard as he did, and to be perfectly honest, maybe harder, to get him where he wanted to get in his career field, so that WE, WE, could reap the benefits...but now, HE gets to reap them, and I am now working a part time job, looking for another part time job, and not seeing kids and grandkids because I can't afford it, and this was all part of that promise...that if we worked hard NOW, we could enjoy LATER...well, y'all...It's LATER...and I'm not getting the benefit of any of MY hard work, and my heart's been broken by this man, and now this? I am just really, really sad about it, and I don't know what to think. I know that the the world is NOT fair, but I really just want to shout like a 2 year old..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!"
When will I be able to reap the benefits of the hard work that I put into my life? That's my question...and I'm sure that it will stay unanswered for quite a long time because, truthfully, I don't think that I can trust another person with ME...who I am, how I feel, and what-not, because HE betrayed all of that, and it kills me that I am now so distrustful of other men. I don't trust what they say, and I want to, but I just can't. Not right now. Maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for me...I'm not so sure anymore, but if He does, and He's not just sitting up there laughing at me for believing my husband, and making my plans to reap the benefits of my hard work, then maybe someone will come into my life that will be too amazing to turn down...until then, I'm reserving my judgement.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Autumn is my favorite season
Ahhh.....Autumn is my favorite season of the year. I love it! The colors are fantastic, and just watching them change amazes me every year. Being back in PA makes my heart sing this year, with watching the change of season. I don't miss the humidity of the Summer, and I love the cool, crisp air, and there just seems to be a specific scent in the air, that is pungent, and rich. It seems full of the promise of the harvest, and the coming of Winter.
Of course, there are also the foods of Fall, that entice me as well. Chili, my Momma's apple cake, crab dips, Veggie Beef Soup, Beef Stew, Hot, openfaced Turkey Sandwiches, and Cream of Potato Soup. I can go on and on about Fall Foods. It's the time for casseroles, and soups, and these are the best months for shellfish...Crabs are fat, clams and oysters seem to be sweeter, and the lobster is awesome. For an East Coast Girl, there is not much better than Fall Seafood.
Then, we come to wardrobe. I love my sweaters, sweats, and woolens. I don't know what it is about the coziness of the clothing for this time of year, but I love it. The different layers to keep me warm, even though this is the first year that I've really felt chilly, and I'm completely enjoying that as well.
And finally, we come to the activities: Campfires, Roasting of Marshmallows, Jumping into the leaves, picking apples, Stargazing seems better this time of year too, and wine tastings...I prefer to taste wines this time of the year..oh, and warm wine? YUM!
So, come join me, enjoy the Autumn weather, get outside, do some sight seeing in your own town...go places that only the tourists go...You'll learn so much about your home. I love that. Going to places only the tourists go, because you get to watch people enjoy your home area, and you get to learn stuff too!
Of course, there are also the foods of Fall, that entice me as well. Chili, my Momma's apple cake, crab dips, Veggie Beef Soup, Beef Stew, Hot, openfaced Turkey Sandwiches, and Cream of Potato Soup. I can go on and on about Fall Foods. It's the time for casseroles, and soups, and these are the best months for shellfish...Crabs are fat, clams and oysters seem to be sweeter, and the lobster is awesome. For an East Coast Girl, there is not much better than Fall Seafood.
Then, we come to wardrobe. I love my sweaters, sweats, and woolens. I don't know what it is about the coziness of the clothing for this time of year, but I love it. The different layers to keep me warm, even though this is the first year that I've really felt chilly, and I'm completely enjoying that as well.
And finally, we come to the activities: Campfires, Roasting of Marshmallows, Jumping into the leaves, picking apples, Stargazing seems better this time of year too, and wine tastings...I prefer to taste wines this time of the year..oh, and warm wine? YUM!
So, come join me, enjoy the Autumn weather, get outside, do some sight seeing in your own town...go places that only the tourists go...You'll learn so much about your home. I love that. Going to places only the tourists go, because you get to watch people enjoy your home area, and you get to learn stuff too!
Craziness over the past few days.
The past few days have been crazy. I've been on the go since Friday. I loved the busyness of it all, and most of it was fun.
On Friday, I got a call from the best friend...which meant that I ended up at his place, and out dancing Friday night. He took me to this place called Rod's Roadhouse Cafe. We had a great time, and I spent the majority of the night on the dance floor shaking my groove thing! There was a live band, and a DJ, and the music was great! I love nights like that, where there's very little inhibition and I can really dance.
Saturday, was a day spent with Dan, his son, and Rachel, who is also one of Dan's sisters. Nice dinner, and then hanging out at the campfire, and roasting marshmallows, is always a great time.
Sunday, I had a couple of jobs to do, and had to go take photos of houses. I love that part of my job, as I work out of my car, and I get to drive all over Lancaster, Dauphin, York, and Lebanon Counties. I love the beauty of PA in the Fall. With the leaves turning vibrant colors, and the dog in the back seat, I'm a happy camper. Then, got to spend a little bit of time with my friend, Lamar, then back to Dan's for more campfire time with Rachel.
Work class on Monday, with Momma P. and Abby, and then lunch afterwards...always fun...and then today, working at the home office at Momma P's house with Momma P. and Abby. I love my job at the office too, and most of the time it doesn't seem like work, as we have a lot of fun too. I think it's important to enjoy one's work. It also helps that I work for Momma, and with Pap and Abby. It's a family business, and that makes it all the better. An even bigger plus, I get to take Libby with me...which makes my day even better. Love that dog!
Tomorrow, will be more work at the office, unless I have to take photos, and then we all have to be in Hanover, PA for my son's Family Group meeting. It's been a busy week, and it's not even Wednesday yet.
Hope that all of my "minions" are having good weeks as well.
On Friday, I got a call from the best friend...which meant that I ended up at his place, and out dancing Friday night. He took me to this place called Rod's Roadhouse Cafe. We had a great time, and I spent the majority of the night on the dance floor shaking my groove thing! There was a live band, and a DJ, and the music was great! I love nights like that, where there's very little inhibition and I can really dance.
Saturday, was a day spent with Dan, his son, and Rachel, who is also one of Dan's sisters. Nice dinner, and then hanging out at the campfire, and roasting marshmallows, is always a great time.
Sunday, I had a couple of jobs to do, and had to go take photos of houses. I love that part of my job, as I work out of my car, and I get to drive all over Lancaster, Dauphin, York, and Lebanon Counties. I love the beauty of PA in the Fall. With the leaves turning vibrant colors, and the dog in the back seat, I'm a happy camper. Then, got to spend a little bit of time with my friend, Lamar, then back to Dan's for more campfire time with Rachel.
Work class on Monday, with Momma P. and Abby, and then lunch afterwards...always fun...and then today, working at the home office at Momma P's house with Momma P. and Abby. I love my job at the office too, and most of the time it doesn't seem like work, as we have a lot of fun too. I think it's important to enjoy one's work. It also helps that I work for Momma, and with Pap and Abby. It's a family business, and that makes it all the better. An even bigger plus, I get to take Libby with me...which makes my day even better. Love that dog!
Tomorrow, will be more work at the office, unless I have to take photos, and then we all have to be in Hanover, PA for my son's Family Group meeting. It's been a busy week, and it's not even Wednesday yet.
Hope that all of my "minions" are having good weeks as well.
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