truth

 [trooth]    Origin, 

truth

   [trooth]  Show IPA

noun, plural truths  [troothz, trooths]  Show IPA.

1.

the true  or actual state of a matter: He tried to find out the truth.

2.

conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement.

3.

a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths.

4.

the state or character of being true.

5.

actuality or actual existence.

So, today, I'm thinking about the above word:  TRUTH.  What it comes down to is that we're all searching for the truth, but what truth is it that we are all searching for?  Is it YOUR truth, MY truth, or the truth that just is?  Ask any divorce attorney, and they'll tell you that TRUTH lies somewhere in between his side of the story, and her side of the story, however to both parties in a divorce, each person believes their own truth.  Each person's truth has to do with their own reality....

A few days ago, a friend made an observation about my blog, and what I am blogging about, and I found her thoughts very interesting.  She said that I was searching for my own truth in all of this, and she finds my blog very refreshing because I'm actually speaking about the truth of things.

I'm not sure that my side of the divorce is correct, but it is as far as I am concerned.  I AM putting my feelings out there in cyberspace, I AM using my blog to figure out who I am, what I want, what I need, and what is MY truth.  My blog isn't for everyone, and I certainly don't think that everyone should read it.  Truthfully, I'm not sure if my ex has ever read it, and I don't really care if he does...and IF he does, maybe he'll see where I am coming from, because he didn't listen to me when I needed him to listen to me, because I wasn't the number one priority in his life, as a wife should have been.

I'm also not claiming to be an angel in our marriage, I did plenty wrong, and I've been examining that as well.  I still just think that being me, and knowing what I know, and what I need, my needs were NOT being met, and hadn't ever really been met, because I was too busy meeting everyone else's needs to realize what my own needs were.  Maybe because I didn't expect them to be met, maybe because I didn't make sure that they were being met, and maybe because I was too lonely to realize what I needed in my relationships, and just overlooked it, and therefore, made some bad choices in marrying the men that I married because I didn't want to be alone, or because I felt that I needed to be married.  Who knows, at this point, I'm not so sure...but either way, the failure of those marriages was not solely my fault.  

So, back to the above definition of truth, the one that I think I'm going to concentrate upon is #4: The state or character of being True.  That's what I want...I want to stay true to my words, true to myself, and true to what I want and need.  I think that it just might be the greatest gift that I could give to myself.  Instead of looking at the here and now, I need to look more to the future, and how my immediate decisions will affect my future, instead of making snap decisions.  I'm hoping that holding my temper, holding my words, and holding myself will make me a better human being.  I'm hoping that in thinking things through before doing anything, that I'm making myself a better human being.  I think that IS my truth, that all that I really want is to be a better human being, and what I really need is to work towards that.

A promise broken

These are the lyrics to a song called 

A Promise Broken

by:

Gary Allen.

I really wanted to share them on my blog, because I rarely, if ever make promises.  Your word is your everything...it's your character.  Promises are so much more and when they are broken, they say to the other person that they are not worth your keeping your word.  That's extremely powerful as far as I'm concerned.  

I'm out here everyday breakin' haerts along the way
I causet ears to fall and some to lose it all
This whole world would be
Better off without me
Well, I'm the saddest words you've spoken
I'm a promise broken

I'm the ballgame that you missed
I'm the calls that don't come in
I'm every poor excuse you use to cover up the truth
I tell the people that you love
That they dont matter quite enough
There's no stoppin' me once I'm in motion
I'm a promise broken

Disappointment, disillusion
Despair, confusion
I've seen it all in their eyes
Dont promise you will if you wont
Dont say you do if you dont
Its alright to say you'll try

Well, I get pushed aside when you move on with your life
But I'll stand the test of time in your heart and in your mind
You'll think about me now and then
Wonder how your life might've been
But I will leave you never knowin'
Well, I'm a promise broken
I'm a promise broken

Relationship thoughts

After a weekend at the camper with Dan, an interesting phone call with the ex, and an evening with an old friend, I'm thinking about relationships.  During the evening last night, some interesting conversation came up about biblical relationships, and how the bible, itself, has been translated from the Ancient Aramic, and Ancient Greek, and how there are 7 words for love in Greek, but only one word for love in English.  So, it got me thinking about how much in Scripture could be misinterpreted.  


This thought always brings me back to one verse that is ALWAYS misued by humans, and men in general.  It's in Ephesians, chapter 5, and it's where the men in my life have ALWAYS misquoted it..."Wives, OBEY your husbands".  Ok...let's look at that word OBEY...first off, the original Greek word was RESPECT, so it should read "Wives, RESPECT your husbands".  OK...I'm good with that....but what gets me is that most men forget the verses BEFORE that one, which say "Husbands, LOVE your wives, as Christ loved the church, even giving his own life for her".  


Now, what is so interesting to me about that, is that women need LOVE...We NEED LOVE!  The way to show a woman that you love her is to spend time with her, tell her that you love her, share your feelings and thoughts with her, enjoy her company, touch her, and make her KNOW that SHE is yours, and that YOU will always protect her, and be there for her.  


Men need RESPECT.  They NEED RESPECT.  A man needs to know that his wife respects him.  Blindly obeying him is NOT respect.  It's FEAR.  A woman who blindly obeys her husband is terrified of him.  I don't know of a single man who truly wants his wife to be afraid of him.  A woman who doesn't feel loved by her husband will not respect him.  


I also find it VERY interesting that when Paul wrote that letter to the Ephesians, that he specifically started with the husbands....in telling them how to relate to their wives, because I think Paul knew that a woman who is loved, and KNOWS that she is loved, WILL go to the ends of the earth for that man who loves her like that.  I think that Paul knew that if he didn't start with the men, that the women would never follow.  I think that Paul knew more about men and women than he even realized he knew.  He started with the man, just as God did when he created the Earth, and man.  


So, now, this gets me thinking A LOT...As y'all know, thinking, for me, can be a very dangerous thing.  There have been very few relationships that I've been in where I truly felt LOVED like that, and then it's no wonder that I stopped respecting the man I was involved with.  No wonder those relationships failed. I didn't respect them, and they didn't love me...or if they did love me, they didn't know how to show it, or they allowed something else to be more important in their lives.  Women need to be the first priority in their husband's lives...I know that I need to be the first priority in my husband's life.




I also know that in both of my marriages, I was not that first priority, and was told by husband #2 that my standards were too high, and unattainable.  WOW!  Everything that I wanted him to do, I was already doing, and I KNOW for a fact that I am NOT perfect, nor am I some kind of super-woman, who can do everything and be everything for everyone, even though I tried...God knows that I tried.  But it comes down to the fact that he wasn't WILLING to do what I needed in the relationship.  That, it turns out, is the highest in selfishness.  Maybe, just maybe, my wanting that was also very selfish of me.  I am not sure about that yet....am leaning to NO, it wasn't selfish of me, especially since I was doing everything that he needed me to do, so, no, I don't think that I was selfish in the relationship when it came to my needs in it.  I also think that maybe, just maybe, I didn't make my needs stated clearly enough.  Maybe, I was selfish in doing for others, making myself feel better, but in the long run, it made me feel worse, because no one was doing for me.  I took care of everyone else, but no one took care of me.  At least not emotionally...and that also could have been because I don't allow too many people into my emotions.  That's a scary place for me.  


I'm changing that, by the way, and am allowing my feelings to be known to the people in my life, and am allowing myself to be vulnerable.  That's an extremely scary place for me to be.  It means that I'm allowing other people into my protected space, and am giving them the ability to hurt me, but it also means that I'm giving them the ability to love me too.  And truly, isn't that what we all want...to be loved and accepted for who we are?  It's what I want.

Taking my son for processing

This past weekend, I had to take my 16 year old son to the Adams County Adult Correction Facility to be processed.  Can we just say that it was one of the worst days of my life.  I was an emotional mess.  He handled it better than I did, I think.  We had to walk through sally ports, and then I had to turn over my car keys...we were not allowed to bring ANYTHING into the facility except for our photo identification and my car keys.  The people who work there were very nice, which helped me a lot.  They made us sit on this bench that had handcuffs hanging from it, and that was pretty scary for me.  There were 2 people ahead of us, but we were the only juvenile there at the time.  What I remember the most is when they were fingerprinting my son, is my stomach turning inside out on itself, and thinking to myself...OMG, I am going to throw up right here, in the middle of this room, right on this floor.  Please God, don't let me do that.  I couldn't even cry, because I was so freaked out about everything.  I just wanted to get this over with.  I will NEVER do that again, and IF my son needs to be processed again, my ex will take the day off of work to take him.  


I cried the whole way to Dan's place, got to Dan's, had dried my tears, took one look at my best friend, who hugged me, and I lost it all over again.  I must say that it's nice to have friends who will support me, and make sure that I don't have to go home to my place, alone, to deal with that kind of thing.


Rachel, Dan's sister, came by, and we cooked out, had a campfire, made s'mores, and a few adult beverages.  We all stayed at Dan's camper for the weekend.  I like weekends at Dan's camper.  Thank God, this was available for me this weekend.  

Men and Women are DIFFERENT

It is very true...men and women are different!  Isn't that an awesome thing?  I love that I'm different from my male friends, and that they are different from me.  There's something about the way men think that truly intrigues me.  Take for instance, the word, FINE.  Ok, for a man, it means that everything is good.  For a woman, it can mean a myriad of things...if it comes with an eye-roll and a huff of air, it is NOT good, if a woman says "I'm fine", she's not.  It's funny, really, when you think about it.  My best friend, Dan, goes NUTS over this difference.  Personally, I like to push his buttons every so often, so I just say the word "FINE" and we can both start laughing like loons over it.  


We also think very differently about money...for men, money is an ends to a means, it's the way to get things, for women, however, money is security.  It means that we can pay our bills, and maybe go shopping if we have any left over.  It's a huge difference.


We also differ in the way that we relate to each other.  I've watched my male friends talk to each other, when they didn't think that anyone was watching them, and they insult each other, maybe talk some sports, or work, but they very rarely, if ever discuss their feelings with each other.  Whereas women, ALWAYS talk about their feelings with each other.  I also think this is why men are so uncomfortable when confronted with feelings, although, my male friends will call me and discuss their feelings with me.  I guess that means that I'm their safe place to go.  I like that, a lot.  It means that I've earned their trust, and that they love me.  


I love the way that men interact with me too...my closest male friends will treat me like a lady, and make sure that I am ok, safe, and cared about.  Men whom I am acquainted with will shoot pool with me, or drink a beer with me, and will talk, about casual subjects.  Men who don't know me usually always look at my chest, then maybe my eyes...which can make me uncomfortable, but most of the time it just amuses me, as it's just a dumb thing that men do.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure that they are aware of it.  


If I'm in a relationship with a man, and I'm sharing a problem, the man always wants to fix it for me...not that I want him to fix it, but usually, that's what happens...and although I am perfectly capable of fixing my own problems, most of the time, and if I can't fix it myself, I know where to go to get something fixed, and can pay for it!  I don't know why men think that they have to solve our problems, but they do.  


I've worked in mostly male related fields, automotive, fire, and ems.  I love working with men.  They'll be the first ones to tell me that I'm being bitchy, or that I'm doing a great job.  Most of the women that I've worked with have stabbed me in the back to climb the ladder themselves, so working with men has been a lot more fun.  I just also seem to relate to men better, I understand their humor, and have been called my best friend's 13 year old boy twin...and it's true, their humor is FUNNY!  Who else can fart, and then rate it?  Women do NOT do that!  


I have 3 sons.  I love the relationships that I have with each of them.  I love the men that 2 of them have grown into being, and that they are gentle with women, and caring, and know how to share their feelings as well.  The 3rd one is still a teenager, so he's got some growing and learning to do, and we're working on that relationship, but the truth is, I know that he'll be ok in the long run...just wish it'd be shorter.


So, men...THANK YOU for being so different from us, for completing us, and for loving us.  Thank you for your friendships, for they have made me grow, as a woman and a human being.  You have taught me so many things, good and bad, and I appreciate who y'all are, for who you are!

Juvenile Justice?

This has been a crazy day.  As you know, I had to appear again in front of Judge Kuhn yet again, today, for my son's actions.  He did not go to the Why Try program yesterday, and I received a phone call about that yesterday afternoon.  Well, we found out today, as to why he didn't go...his excuse was that "I FORGOT", his father said the same thing...however, his probation officer is also one of the school's resource officers, and pulled David out of a class today to do a urine test on him....he must give urine, as a condition of his probation ANY time that he is asked to do so...so, they can come to his house, my sister's wedding, my house (if he's visiting here), school, or to wherever he will be doing his community service, and they are surprise tests, and he MUST comply.  Well, guess who didn't come up clean on this urine dip today?  Yep, you guessed it right, MY SON!  Who admitted to smoking pot with his little buddy (notice the sarcasm in my typing yet?), Bubba, at the McSherrystown Rec Park, just the day after our LAST court appearance last Tuesday!   So, including the urine test coming back dirty for THC (the chemicals in Marijuana, AND the fact that he missed the Why Try Program yesterday, those were supposed to have landed him with a pretty, little, black anklet...so that they could know where he was at all times, and is considered to be house arrest.  NOPE!!!  They are going to give the boy just a little more rope, to see how much he'll hang himself, I suppose, and gave him 5 more conditions: 1.) Must take the school bus to and from school EVERY day.  2.) MUST NOT have any contact with Bubba anymore  3.) MUST NOT be at the McSherrystown Rec. Park, 4.) He must have clean urine tests, and 5.) if he feels sick at all on a school day, he MUST go to school, and allow the school nurse to send him home...this way, it's an excused absence.  


Now, here's what else was said by the judge.  There is a program called the "Weekend Program", where the boy MUST be at the probation office on Friday afternoons for the following 10 weeks, they will then transport all of the kids to a place in Boiling Springs, PA, where they will undergo counseling, drug and alcohol education and counseling, as well as group sessions, and the Judge also said that they did some fun stuff with the kids too, to burn off energy.   While he was explaining all of this to me, I'm thinking to myself "Hey Self:  THIS sounds just like what my son needs.  I think THIS is a great idea."  So when the Judge finished his explanation of the program, he asked what my thoughts were on it, and I told him that I thought it sounded great and may just be what my son needs at this time to get him into some kind of discipline.  Judge just said to me:  well, it's not punishment, and I agreed again....there is a VERY big difference between punishment and discipline.  Then the judge looked at me, once he realized that I REALLY liked the idea of this program, and asked me this question: "So, I'm thinking that YOU, Ms. Schod, are hoping that he comes up with another infraction?"  SERIOUSLY?  REALLY, Judge Kuhn, you'd really think that I want to see my son fail?  NO, obviously you haven't been listening to me about my wanting my son to have some discipline, and consequences for his actions, as well as a really good program.  However, your Honor, IF my son chooses to be non-compliant to your Honor's rules, regulations, and probation, then, yes, Sir, I believe that this would be a good program for him.  I was SHOCKED that the judge would say that to me.  At this point, I looked at him and said, Look, all I want is to be able to help you all, help the school, help Children and Youth, and his probation officer, and most importantly, I want to help my son, and if it takes just one more infraction, then can we PLEASE put him the weekend program?  It also seems to me that he's being non-compliant with Why Try, as well as school, and last week, you said that if he missed any more of either, that you'd be putting him on Electronic Monitoring, and essentially house arrest.  You aren't doing that now...Ok, one more chance.  But he has to have some kind of consequences for his behavior. 


Oh, and to make matters just a little bit worse, I have to take my son to the Adams County, PA Jail on Saturday to have him finger printed, mug shot, and processed as a criminal.  What I'd really like to see happen, is for them to allow me to back there with my son while they are fingerprinting him so that David can see me, his mother, crying about this.  Maybe he needs to see that he is REALLY hurting me...I don't care anymore about my kids not seeing me crying, as maybe he needs to be a little scared about it!   


I'm still fighting with the school.  Which means that I'll have to take yet ANOTHER day next week, and drive out to New Oxford, and raise Holy Hell with them.  I don't understand why it is that they just cannot get my name on that computer list...Children and Youth get a fax every day on all of the court adjudicated kids, my ex gets a computer call if David is late or truant, but they can't add another parent onto the computer call list?  REALLY?!?!?!?  Just hand me the computer, and I'll do it...It cannot be THAT difficult!  




On my way home, I called a friend, who lives halfway between Gettysburg, and my house, and he asked if I'd eaten today....Uh....answer to that question was NO...belly was too trembling to eat today.  So, he asked if I'd like to go and have dinner with him, and I said sure.  So, for the most part, my day ended well, but truthfully, I am very disappointed in my son, my heart is breaking over the decisions that he is making, and it was everything in me to not be crying when I got to my friend's place.  I think I'm going to hold it all in until Saturday, when I can let it go at the jail, during my son's processing!  


Until later, my minions!

More Court Issues

Tomorrow afternoon, I must return to Gettysburg for another hearing for my son. I am not very happy about any of this, but must say this much.  Our judge, Judge Khun, is very fair, and he's been our judge for everything that we've had to deal with.  I don't enjoy making a family court judge angry, but I do know that he's not angry with me.  


This afternoon, I received a phone call from my son's caseworker.  My son is supposed to be attending a program called "Why Try", that is done by Adams County Children and Youth.  The program started when school started, and my son has had transportation to get to this class.  They have had 4 classes since the beginning of the school year, and yet, my son has only attended 1 class.  This class is also a condition of his probation that was set last Tuesday, at the criminal hearing.  Guess who didn't goa to class this afternoon?  He was also late for school 2 days last week, and again on Monday of this week.  I was, yet again, NOT notified by the school.  I am beyond frustrated over all of this.  If the school can notify Children and Youth, you'd think that they'd be able to notify me, the boy's MOTHER!  I have been fighting with them for the past 11 years, since Kindergarten for this specific school, I have never received ANYTHING from them regarding my son's report cards, truancy issues, or behavioral issues.  I have a court order that says that they HAVE to send me EVERY piece of paper that they send to my ex-husband, the boy's father.  


I suppose that after speaking with the Dean of Students, my son's guidance Counselor, AND the Superintendent of the school district that things would have been taken care of.  However, that is not the case.  So, my next step is to head to a school board meeting, and get myself on their list of people who are having issues that need to be dealt with.  I have been told by Children and Youth, as well as my son's probation officer, and another parent with a child in that district that they do no play nice with non-custodial parents.  Well, in my case, I have a court order that states that I have SHARED legal and SHARED physical custody of our son.  The school is now in direct  disobedience of that court order.  They have a legal and moral obligation to notify me.  Since they cannot do that, I'll go over all of their heads, and if I get no where with the school board, then I'll just start suing the school.  I am now finished with all of this stupidity!  


When my son did not even attempt to attend this class tonight, I said to myself, don't call his father...give him the opportunity to call you.  It's now 3:33 am and I have NOT received a phone call from the boy's father...YET again...which means that now, I'm going to have to ask the court to hold my ex-husband in contempt of court for not following our custody order...it's not like he didn't know about it, he signed it the same day that I did...so if I know about it, then so does he.  


I am so tired of being backed into corners when it comes to dealing with the children.  You know that you're always told to never back an animal into a corner, as it will come at  you in a very ugly way...well, I'm now backed into that corner, and the truth is, that I am going to come out swinging now.  I've tried to be nice about all of this, and catching flies with honey is not working...so, now, it's time to start getting legal on all of this.  I will not tolerate the school not working with me.  So, this means that I will have to find an attorney in Adams County, PA, who will be able to help me...which means that come Wednesday, I'll be doing A LOT of research on my computer.  


Signing off a very, very frustrated mother, who is tired of always having to be the "bad guy" of the parenting team.  Once, just once, I'd like to be the cool parent, the one who gets to have the fun with the kids, and not the one to dole out the tough love and the punishments.  I don't understand why I have always had to do this.  But then again, I also do not understand why when WOMEN are caring for their children, they are "mothering" or "parenting", yet when a MAN is caring for his children, they are "babysitting".  Did I miss something here...did the man not give up some sperm to make said child?  Why should everything have to fall on the mother's shoulders?  I thought parenting was a team effort, and that it is necessary for children to have both their mother and their father in their corner, to love them, change diapers, doctor's visits, discipline, and whatnot.  Why is it that we, women, must always be the "disciplinarian", while the fathers get to be the "cool, fun" parent.  I know that life isn't fair, but this goes a bit farther than that.  Those children belong to BOTH parents...Fathers are PARENTS...therefore, gentlemen, please, from a frustrated mother, PARENT your children...do not PLAY with them and certainly do not BABYSIT them...you hire a babysitter...and the last time I looked, I have never seen a father get paid to spend time with his children.