Fair? NOT!

Lazy days are great.  I'm enjoying being totally lazy today.  I sat on my front porch, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and enjoying my Cherry tree.  


The problem with lazy days is that I get to thinking...A LOT!  This isn't always a bad thing, but sometimes, I think about crazy stuff.  Today, I find myself thinking (over-analyzing, anyway) about a conversation that I had Monday morning, VERY EARLY on Monday morning, with my best friend.  He seems to think that I have not given myself enough time to get to know myself, and that I'm looking for a "feeling".  As I think about that, I think that he's wrong. I know what I want, and I don't really want that "feeling" of new love, where you're just obsessed with that person.  I don't really like that strong feeling, and find that it is kind of scary.  


What I really want is that comfortable feeling with another person.  It's that ease of relating with each other, enjoying that person's company, without having to say anything, deep discussions that make you think, and giggling together.  That's what I really want.  I want someone who gets me, and who I get.  I also want chemistry...and now, I'm starting to think that what I want is impossible to find.  


At this point, I just want my divorce to be legalized, so that I can finally get that behind me.  Maybe once that's done, I'll be able to think about other things and get moving forward.  Maybe that's my problem...I'm not really ready to move forward, and it bothers me that it was so easy for Kent to move forward, to forge a new life without me.  Maybe I am just not over grieving for the loss of my hopes, plans and dreams for our future together.  Maybe I'm becoming bitter.  I don't know.  I really don't know.  I don't think it's fair, though that he's moved on...to greener pastures, so to speak, and I also think that the grass is always greener on the other side because there's more bullshit over there.  Anyway, I digress.  I think that I just want to be comfortable in my own skin right now.  I want the fight of the divorce to be over.  Even though Kent doesn't seem to think that there will be a fight, as soon as I ask for alimony, there will be...he won't be able to help himself on that front.  I'll fight for what I need to have.  I will NOT be living under the poverty level, while he gets to go forward with all that we BOTH worked hard for.  


So, life's not fair...not that I expect it to be, but come-on, and give me a break once in awhile!