It's now mid-December

Today is December 13, 2011.  Wow...this past year has flown by...all of it.  I can't believe that it's now Mid-December.  I will be happy to say goodbye to this year.  I know that so many people get nostalgic around the holidays, and I am one of them, but this year, I am just not looking forward to Christmas.  I think most of my Christmas joy was killed by my soon to be ex-husband.  For so many years, it was like pulling teeth to get him to put up the lights, go and get a tree, decorate it and the house, and now, this will be the first Christmas as a separated woman.  I can't believe how very sad that I am about that.  It's also the first Christmas that I won't be with all of the kids and the grand kids.


So, this year, I'll be travelling to my mother's house, and spending the holiday with my original family.  My daughter is going with me, and she's the only kid that I'll be with this year.  I'm thankful for that much.  My 16 year has said one too many times that I am not his mother, and that I wasn't a very good mother.  So, I'm not going to reward his bad behavior towards me with a trip out of state.  My oldest step-son has shut me out of his life, and I called him on Thanksgiving, and left a message, since he didn't answer the phone.  I'll call him again on Christmas Day, and will probably end up leaving another message.  If I don't receive a call back, then I'll know to just give up on him too.  It kills me to think that I have to distance myself from two of my children, but right now, I need to surround myself with those who love me, and treat me with dignity and respect.  I haven't been treated that way in years.


I hate having to take myself out of people's lives, but the truth is that I just can't take the hurt and pain of not being good enough for those people.  If my best isn't good enough, then what the heck am I supposed to do?  And, to really question further, what exactly IS good enough?  What does that mean, exactly?  Does it mean that it's something inside of me, or is it that there's something inside of them that makes them think that my best isn't good enough for them?  I'm not sure anymore.  I used to think that it was some kind of fault in me, but then I think, wait a minute, we all have faults, and I am able to tolerate their faults, and live with them, and accept that it's how they are, so WHY am I supposed to be perfect?  It's not possible for anyone to be perfect, and it's certainly not going to happen with me, the perfection thing.  Trust me, I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girl friend, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and you know what?  I failed at it...so did every other person on this planet...so, I did what everyone else does, I did the very best that I could, with what I had to work with, and if that isn't good enough for some people, then to Hell with them.  


I should only have to please myself and God.  If I'm following His commandments, and I'm loving other people the way that God intended me to do, then why isn't THAT just good enough?  I think that it is.  I'm just hurting a lot these days, in thinking of what has been lost to me.  I shouldn't think about it, but I do, and I'm still in mourning over that loss.  I have come to grips with it, and know that I can't change the course of what happened, and, believe me when I say that I don't want my marriage to Kent back.  It would just be more of the same, me not being good enough for him, for our kids, and for whatever else that means and entails.  


So, here I am, Mid-December, and I'm still not over it all.  I want to be over it, and I need to be over it, but I'm not, and I'm not as OK as I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.  I'm better than I was a year ago, as the shock of the whole thing has worn off, but then again, in some areas, I think I'm still where I was a year ago as well.  I don't know.  I'm being told that I've had a lot of growth this past year, but today, today, it just doesn't seem like it.  So...where do I go from here?  UP!  Can't fall down any further, and even though I know it could always get worse, it won't.  I'm moving forward, baby steps, but at least it's still forward motion, and that is a big deal.