What If?????

For the past couple of days, I've been thinking about the words: "What If".  Two simple words; what and if, however; when put together to form a question, they're pretty powerful words. The problem with those two words is that there's never really an answer to them.  Yesterday was a rough day, and my daughter keeps asking herself this question of "what if I hadn't been in the shower and had answered my phone that awful day two years ago"?  I cannot answer that question for her and know that to try to answer it would be foolish.

I tend to ask myself the same question, over and over about various things. What if I didn't get depressed, what if I was a different person, what if, what if, what if?  I think that those two words can lead me off into a totally different world of regrets, admonishments, and self-loathing. So, what if I hadn't made all of the decions that I have made in my 47 years on this planet?  I'm going to answer it today. I would not be the person that I am, I would have the knowledge that I have acquired, and I wouldn't have the people who are a big part of my life. So, what if seems to me to be a big reason for my own depression. I choose to live without regrets and I choose to live a happier life. I choose to be thankful. To hell with "What If"!!!!

Past and Present

Today is a day of memories.  It is the 2 year anniversary of the passing of my daughter's best friend, and I am grieving his loss as well.  It doesn't seem as though he's been gone this long, and then other days, it feels like forever.  It is so difficult to watch my daughter grieve as well.  She's having a rough day, that started last night, and has been spending the day with me. I think about wanting to take the pain away from  her, but then I think that she can't grown and learn unless she goes through the pain.

Also, October 31 marked the 1 year anniversary of my divorce.  What a difference a year makes.  WOW, is about all I can say.  This time last year, I was feeling really sad and was still depressed.  Now, I'm in such a better place.  I've grown a lot in the past year.  I've discovered that I am happy with myself, with who I am, who I struggled to become, and where I am going in my life.

I find that once I got myself together, other areas of my life started to come together as well.  I'm now in a healthy relationship, with a man who loves me, and wants to build a life with me.  We live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, where I feel safe.  There have been some struggles, and we will have struggles, but we haven't turned on each other, or away from each other.  We know that there will always be people who don't agree or appreciate where we are, but then again, there are those who love and support us too.  So, life is good.

Even in the memories, I am content, and isn't that what we all want?