Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Good Tuesday

Today was a good day.  I got to sleep in, take my time, and get to a doctor's appointment at 2:30.  I don't usually get to take my time to get anywhere.  Oh, and I have a new doctor in this area.  I'd been putting it off, getting a doctor here in PA.  


I'm healthy, so that's great news...not that I didn't think that I was, oh, and he's pleased with my weight loss.  He re-filled the 2 Rx's that I'm currently taking...which means that I'll be able to eat everything that I want again, and that I can have a migraine!  He's sending me for a torture test on Friday...Mammogram time for me!  YAY!  NOT!  I am SOOO not looking forward to having my breasts squished for photos.  I'm not even sure if my breasts will flatten like that.  I also KNOW that I really don't want to find out.  However, dr will not be happy if I don't go!  I've put it off for about 5 years, so I should probably just do it.  Will let y'all know how it goes.  I'm sure that there will be some kind of humor in the whole process, and I'm going to look for that!


Shayna's coming home tomorrow.  She'll be here until the 8th of Feb., when she'll leave to go to her new job...She's going to be a nanny for a friend of hers in DE.  That will be awesome for her.  I'm making one of her favorite dinners tomorrow for her...Lasgne.  That will make her happy!  I've missed her, and I'm glad she'll be here for a visit!

Monday, January 30, 2012

After the weekend

Had a chance last night to have the talk that needed to be talked out.  I was so afraid to say what I wanted and needed to say that I had myself all worked up for nothing...whew!  It was a great talk...we both cried, and I think more for the fact that we're both hurting, in different ways, but hurting nonetheless.  I am now at the point that I know what I need and what I want.  I need that friendship more than anything else...and that is what is necessity.  Anything else is a want, and therefore not a necessity, and I can live without it.  I'm good with that.


At this point, I've decided that I will not be someone's second choice.  I need to be someone's first choice...don't get me wrong, I don't need to be their first relationship, but I need to be the one that they want.  I'm also seeing that it's more important to be wanted and not needed.  I want someone who will love me for who I am, and not try to change me, who sees that in my imperfections that I am perfect for them, who will share my burdens and allow me to share theirs, to forge a life together.  That's what I need.  Everything else will fall in place as the search continues.  


By the way...the search is still on...I'm still looking and taking boyfriend applications!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Rough weekend

It's been a rough weekend.  Guess that I'm not ready to date anyone, as the cosmos seems to be against it.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe I'm really not ready.  I still get angry over the stupid things that Kent says to me, and I shouldn't really care what he thinks anymore, let alone his stating that he was proud of me...yep...I'm still irritated by that one.


Our realtor sent me a video of what the house flipper did to our Eastern Shore house, and it's beautiful, really, however, it was everything that I wanted to do in the house as well.  Just hit a raw nerve, I'm guessing.  


I've been very emotional this weekend.  Crying on and off...and I know why, and it's something that I have to deal with, and I really don't want to deal with it.  Am afraid of the consequences of this, and what it could do to me and someone whom I care very deeply for.  It still has to be done, and things need to be said.  Just not sure how I want to deal with it all yet either.  


So, if  you pray, say a prayer for me tonight.  I'm having a rough time.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Really?!?!?

OK....so after a good talk with the soon to be ex-husband, I'm feeling a bit weird.  Yes, we got some issues ironed out, and my car insurance is taken care of, and it's a lot cheaper...YAY, but still, he said something to me that has me feeling a bit incredulous.


He told me that he was "proud" of me, my accomplishments, and my resilience. Really?!?!?!?!  I'm not sure why exactly he feels that's necessary, or why he's even feeling proud of me.  Did he forget who I was?  I'm thinking YES!  I've always been resilient, and I've always accomplished a lot with very little, and I've always been strong and a survivor.  What is new?  Nothing!  He's proud of my new attitude?  WOW!  My attitude has only changed because I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis!  


Either way, I'm doing me, and I'm doing it well enough to garner his pride.  Whatever!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

New Day

So, today is a new day.  It's a good thing.  I'm making some big decisions for my future and my life.  I'm trying to do things that are the best for me, and am making sure that's what's happening.  I've spent so many other years doing what's best for my kids and my husband, and our whole family, making myself the last priority.  That can't happen anymore.  Don't get me wrong, it was necessary for me to put everyone else first in my life during that time of my life.  However, it's a new day in my life.


I'm going to date, whether the kids are ready for me to date or not, as I am ready to do so.  I also think that I'm entitled to some kind of happiness.  I've done the responsibility thing, and now, it's time to have some fun...I've earned it.  


I've met a nice gentleman, who is sweet to me.  He is older than me, thinks that I'm pretty, and that I'm smart...no one has told me that in a long time.  He treats me like a lady, which is VERY important.  He is also not rushing me, which is something that I REALLY like.  I do really like him, and truthfully, he scares me a bit, because I'm not sure where this could be going, and even though I'd like for it to move forward, I'm afraid to do that.  I find it interesting that I really look forward to his text messages and phone calls, and find myself hoping that he'll ask me out again.  Scary stuff.  Am I ready to be in another relationship?  Do I really want that, and the answers that I keep coming up with is yes, and yes!  So, it's time to let go, and enjoy this time....enjoy himself, and just let it take me where it's going.  I need to stop being so much in my head and obsessing about things.  That makes me crazier than normal.  It's not good for me.  


It's all about what's good for me, for my emotional health, and my physical health.  It's all about me now! 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Just thoughts in my head

 Not sure what's going on today.  I've had a call from my son's caseworker, and learned that my son failed to turn in his final projects for all of his classes, and has failed this marking period, which means that he's failed the whole semester.  GOD!  I'm not sure what is going on his mind, and I really don't care anymore.  I just want him to do what he needs to do to get through high school and to meet the consequences of his sentence, so that he doesn't end up with a felony charge!  Why do I feel as though I am the ONLY person who thinks that this is necessary?  I think he needs to be in a full time program!  One more step, and that's what will happen.


I'm tired today...not sure why, as I've been getting plenty of sleep.  I think that I may just go and take a nap...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Emotional Day

Today has been a bit emotional for me.  I woke up to a text from my first ex-husband saying that our son has been placed in Out of School Suspension for tomorrow and Wednesday, because he was causing problems on the school bus.  HE found out on Friday, but didn't inform me until this morning, saying that he had an issue with his cell phone, and couldn't call me.  Convenient, I'd say!  


Then, this afternoon, I was catching up on last weeks Dr. Phil episodes, and there was on with Char Margolis, John Edwards, and Glynis McCant....mediums and a numerologist.  So, Lamar, Shayna and I decided to get onto this numerology site that gives your numbers for your name, and while reading through my description, so many things hit home, and definitely freaked me out a bit.  I've never really given much thought to this kind of thing, as I just figured that since we were given free will, that our choices in the present will predict our futures, and past behavior will predict future behavior.  


What set me off the most was the last couple of lines of the explaination: "You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit."  WOW!  That is exactly what I have always wanted!  What I thought that I had.  It hurts to know that somehow, I've lost that.  I had to hand my computer to Lamar, to have him finish reading it, and go outside, smoke a cigarette, pace the front porch, and let the tears flow.  I still don't like to cry in front of people....makes me feel weak, but I'm getting better with allowing myself to cry things out.  I'm still a bit freaked out about the lost possibilities.  I'm still grieving over those.  I'm still a bit raw there.  

However, it was pointed out to me, by Momma P. that I still have the possibility of fostering the perfect family in the perfect home.  I can still do that.  I could find the perfect man for me, and we could forge a perfect home for us, and we could live together, for the rest of our lives in happiness, but I'm not so sure that it exists.  Even after a lovely date last night, and the fact that I really did enjoy this gentleman's company.  And he WAS a gentleman, in every aspect of the word, and I appreciate that in a man.  He even told me to text someone in my family, when he got up to go to the restroom, and let them know that I was ok.  Of course, I texted Momma P. and she was pleased that he told me to do that.  It was a new quality that I have never come across in a man, and certainly not in any of the men that I have met lately.  Nice to know that he thought about me and my family in that manner, and wanted to make me feel comfortable, as well as allow for my family to be comfortable that I was out with him.  That's a pretty big deal for me!  So, we'll see where this goes...I'm keeping an open mind...and an open attitude about it, and about dating in general...I'm still open to dating...and plan on doing just that...maybe, just maybe there is someone out there for me too.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Emotional Week

This has been a good, but emotional week.  I've been busy driving around with my best friend as he looks at newer vehicles, as his truck is trying to die on him.  It's been very frustrating for him...and I can feel it coming off of him...which is never good.  Today, at least, we had a good time, only having to go to one dealership, and enjoyed test driving 2 different vehicles there.


Yesterday, I had to drive to MD, to take Shayna to a Dermatologist's appointment, and while we were there, we had to go to Preston, to the MD Veteran's Cemetery, where we visited JC's gravesite.  It was the first time that she and have been there since he was buried a little over 2 weeks ago.  It's still so difficult on Shayna, living without her best friend, and truly her rock.  She is still lost without him.  Truthfully, I miss him so very much as well.  It is still difficult for me to believe that he's gone.  I keep thinking that he'll call me out of the blue, or send me some crazy text message, just to make me laugh, and knowing that it won't ever happen again, still can make me tear up so quickly.  So, after all of the driving yesterday, and the grave visit, I was just so exhausted when I got home, to a house-full of people, and I just wasn't able to deal well, and just went to my room, and cried.  I had to be strong for Shayna all day, so it was the first time that I had a chance to shed my own tears and to put my emotions in perspective.


So, after dinner last night, I decided to ask Dan if I could borrow his camper for the night, while he was at work...thankfully, he said yes!  I stopped at Gilligan's for a couple of beers, an order of Potato Skins, met a nice man, and then went to the camper...so nice to have someplace just to myself!  It was blissfully quiet, and I was able to watch a full movie!  


When Dan got home this morning, he said that I must have gotten cold sometime in the night, as I had 3 blankets, and a comforter wrapped all around me, as I was in the fetal position, and all he could see was my nose!  LOL!  I think that's so funny!  The good news, is that after I watched all of The Phantom Of The Opera, I put in Memoirs of a Geisha, and too be very honest, I heard the first line..."A story like mine should never be told", and I don't remember the rest of the movie at all...I slept like an old man in church on Sunday!  I'm well rested, and that is always a good thing.


Have to do 2 jobs tomorrow, pick up Dan and his kids, bring them to the house, and spend the weekend with family.  Oh, and I have a date on Sunday afternoon...we'll see how it goes.  I'm a bit excited, especially as he asked a week in advance...which means that he appreciates that I am busy, and takes that into consideration!


Good night y'all...sleep well, and sweet dreams!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Technology and me 2

So, the newest saga about my phone...Went back to Best Buy today, and had them look at the phone again...turns out it wasn't the wireless card, it was my 16G mini-SD card that was malfunctioning.  


So, I, the most technologically inept person that I know, had to take her mini-SD card, put it into my laptop, and transfer all of the files off of it, then, had to delete all of the files on the SD card, and then had to put the SD card BACK into my phone, and re-format it...my phone wiped it all clean, and then I had to tether the phone back to the laptop and then re-install everything.


Be proud of me, dear minions, as I was able to actually do all of that, with very little problems!  I'm starting to shock myself with what I am able to do on my own.  Used to be that either Kent or Shayna would fix my technology problems, but now, without either of them, I have to do it myself.  I am finding that things that I thought were difficult for me to understand really aren't, and I can muddle about and figure stuff out for myself.  


That brings me to the next point...as I'm figuring things out for myself, it makes me realize that I'm more and more able to do things, and that I'm not as helpless as I'd been made to believe that I was.  I think this new revelation is making me even stronger.  I like that.  Strong is good, independent is good.  It doesn't mean that I don't want someone to depend upon, but right now, it's nice to know that I can do it.  



Friday, January 6, 2012

Technology and me

Technology and I are not friends.  I don't know what it is about new techy toys, and me, and why I can't get along with them.  I'm a point, click, and type kind-of-girl!  LOL  That's kind of why blogging for me is so much fun, and it's a bit funny too, as I am THAT girl!


There is something wrong with the g-mail on my phone.  I can RECEIVE e-mails, I cannot SEND e-mails!  So, last night, I had to send out photos on 4 different houses that I had to take photos of....8 per house, btw, and tethered my phone to my laptop.  I have NO clue as to what I did, but somehow, I had shut down the 16g sd card on it.  Talk about giving me a panic attack and a heart attack all at once!  I never thought this would happen, but my whole life is cataloged on that card!  All of my contacts, all of my music, all of the texts that I need to send, or wish to run over again, so that I can over-analyze them...everyone's e-mail addresses.  Pretty much my whole LIFE is on that phone!!!   I was able to re-set everything and nothing, thank GOD was lost!  Heart attack averted.  


So, today, I'm trying to send these photos, from my phone to my bosses, and 2 hours later, I get a text message saying that the photos have not been received.  Needless to say, this is frustrating the heck out of me!  So, I go tether my phone to the computer again...figured out what mistake I made yesterday, so that I didn't clear it AGAIN!  I can't begin to say how long it would take me to re-enter all of that information into my phone, not to mention photos of the kids, grandkids, dogs, and friends that would have been lost as well...and those I couldn't just re-load!  Need to put those on the computer, now that I've figured that much out!


So, I am so glad that I was smart, and when I bought the new phone, I also purchased the black tie service, so that when I get down there today, there should not be an issue with them looking at my phone tonight!  Gah!  So, hopefully, they will be able to fix this issue, and I'll just give them my prettiest pout, and hand it to them saying "fix it"!  Say a prayer with me! 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Bad Day

Today was just one of those days that if it could go bad, it did.  The day started off well enough, but quickly went downhill.  I had 4 jobs to run today, from Mechanicsburg to Elizabethtown to Bainbridge, and then to Elizabethville.  Due to my work schedule, I could not personally attend a court hearing for my 16 year old son.  Fortunately, they were able to phone conference me in, and that was a huge help.  


My day got bad when I got a text from the caseworker saying that the hearing would start later today than it was supposed to, and then on the drive to Elizabethville, my GPS went a little crazy, and wanted to take me a way that I knew would only take me up a dead end mountain road.  Not following the GPS makes it freak out, and of course, it keeps telling me to turn around.  I had to turn the voice off on it, because it was making me nuts!

Then, I get to the job in Elizabethville, and I can't find the address...walked around this place for a half an hour...drove around for another half an hour, and all the while, I'm on the phone with the judge, for the hearing.  AARRRGGGHHH!


Once I got off of the phone with the judge, I had to call my boss, and now, he's on the computer at his office, on the aerial view of the area, and neither of us can find this house!  Finally, we were able to do so.


As to the court hearing, we have to attend another family group meeting, and deal with the communication issue between my ex and me, and the judge did say that he understood my frustration...which is a first...and that I wasn't asking for anything outrageous.  I just want to be told by the custodial parent of our son that he is not going to school because he's sick, and that he'd been kicked out of whatever program that he's been kicked out of.  My son also has to do an EXTRA 40 hours of community service to pay Children and Youth back for being kicked out of the weekend jail program, because he didn't attend 2 weekends in a row.  Gahhhh...I just feel like my ex and my son are not taking this seriously, and I am not going to go down with them.  Fortunately, the judge sees that I'm doing the best that I can with what I'm being told, and he also agrees that I need to be in the loop of information regarding my son...Thankfully!


So, now, I'm working a small migraine, have taken my meds, and thank God that Dan checked the oil in my car this evening...I was way low...thankfully, I had a quart in the trunk, and he put that in my vehicle as well.  Thanks Dan!  You are the bestest guy friend that a girl could have!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Crazy, Busy Week!

It's only Wednesday, but it's been a crazy, busy week.  I feel as though I've been running every day, and I know it's not completely true.  It just feels like it.  Tomorrow, I've got a job to do in Mechanicsburg, and we'll see if I'll get any more orders for tomorrow.  Friday, I have to go to Lebanon for an order as well.  At some point tomorrow, I also have to run down to York to take Mom to her car at the shop, pick up a couple of books, and then to take Shayna some dvds, as she's dog-sitting for a dear friend of ours this week.  


Kent e-mailed me a copy of our vision insurance card, that I asked for 3 months ago...at least he finally gave it to me.  I have to send him some tax info that is on my laptop, and I'll get to that sometime tomorrow.  Hopefully, we'll be able to tag my car here in PA by the end of the month.  That would be awesome!


So, mid-week, it's not done yet, and it seems as though it's just going to get busier.  Hope that y'all are having a good week.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

First Day of 2012

January 1, 2012.  It's a new day and a new year.  This sentence makes me hopeful.  Every day that I wake up, it's a new day, to make what I want it to be.  Today, it's the beginning of a whole new year.  Another trip around the sun, and what will it be?


I've decided to look at 2012 with hope and positive thoughts.  It's going to be a good year.  Yes, I'm still married to Kent, but divorce is at least in the works, and that will be ending soon.  That is a good thing, as it means a whole separate life for me.  I need that...full separation.  Shayna's moving back in with me...not sure where she's going to sleep...but we'll work something out.  


I think that we'll have a lot of fun this coming year, and stress will be lessened.  Business will just keep getting better, and college classes for me will start shortly.  I have to do something to make myself better.  


Sending all of you hope for a prosperous new year!