"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." WEB DuBois
The above quote comes from WEB DuBois, and was used in the movie "Akeelah and the Bee". The movie, itself was great, and tells about how we should believe in ourselves. The above quote was used to magnify that thought.
As I read this quote, it says so much to me. Who ARE we to ask ourselves these things? Why do we not just accept them? Why do we spend so much time in our own heads listening to every bad thought that we've ever had? I listen to those thoughts all of the time...I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not whatever it is that my evil thoughts tells me. It's not for us to say those things. We should be kinder to ourselves. We should tell ourselves that we ARE Beautiful, lovable, fine, sexy, whatever it is that we want that is good. Positivity will take you far, and that's what I'm dealing with in my life...I want to just stay positive, and keep a good attitude. Only then will I have what I want in my life. Why find fault in everything and everyone? It only hurts me in the long run. Why have expectations of others? It only hurts me in the long run. Why not just enjoy what I have in this moment in time? Well, that's what I am doing. I'm enjoying what I have in THIS moment in time. I'm still fighting for what I need, and for what I believe in, but I'm going to enjoy the people who are in my life, right now. I'm not going to have expectations of them, or me, for that matter, at least not right now.
In that, I think I'm being kinder to myself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day After a Big Snow
Today, I woke up to snow melting everywhere. Last night, I allowed Libby to be off of her leash for a bit, and she was running around like a rabbit in this snow. I would have sworn that she had springs in all 4 of her paws. I love how much that dog loves the snow. She was chasing snowballs and catching them, and just really enjoying it.
Today, the snow is melting. That always makes me a little bit sad, but it's part of getting snow in October in PA. You kind of know that it won't stick around for too long.
Which makes me think of relationships, all over again. Not just love relationships, but friendships as well. My friend, Pattie, wrote in her blog today about fake friends, and that got me thinking as well.
I have a few very long lasting friendships. I love and try to nurture those friendships as much as possible, with everyone living their busy lives. But, my love relationships, don't seem to last. I'm not sure if they're supposed to last. It goes back to fire...fire's not supposed to last either...coals are a different thing, but fire, can be dangerous or it can be helpful.
It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong here...is it me? Could it be the men I've chosen, I don't know. I think that maybe I should just stick with friendships for awhile...that way, my heart doesn't get broken, yet again. I'm not sure if I could take another heartbreak like that. I think I'll just stick with friends...benefits could be a nice thing, and I won't confuse that with love...it's different...good thing too.
Maybe I need to pick better men...maybe I need to really LOOK at them before jumping into relationships with them. Look at who they are as people first, and then decide if I want to spend time with them...I do that with my friends...why don't I do that with my love relationships? Is it that I want them to be something that they aren't, do I want them to change for me? Am I demanding? Do I expect too much from them? I don't know...am still trying to figure that out. I just know that if I have another love relationship, I'll try to do some things differently.
Today, the snow is melting. That always makes me a little bit sad, but it's part of getting snow in October in PA. You kind of know that it won't stick around for too long.
Which makes me think of relationships, all over again. Not just love relationships, but friendships as well. My friend, Pattie, wrote in her blog today about fake friends, and that got me thinking as well.
I have a few very long lasting friendships. I love and try to nurture those friendships as much as possible, with everyone living their busy lives. But, my love relationships, don't seem to last. I'm not sure if they're supposed to last. It goes back to fire...fire's not supposed to last either...coals are a different thing, but fire, can be dangerous or it can be helpful.
It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong here...is it me? Could it be the men I've chosen, I don't know. I think that maybe I should just stick with friendships for awhile...that way, my heart doesn't get broken, yet again. I'm not sure if I could take another heartbreak like that. I think I'll just stick with friends...benefits could be a nice thing, and I won't confuse that with love...it's different...good thing too.
Maybe I need to pick better men...maybe I need to really LOOK at them before jumping into relationships with them. Look at who they are as people first, and then decide if I want to spend time with them...I do that with my friends...why don't I do that with my love relationships? Is it that I want them to be something that they aren't, do I want them to change for me? Am I demanding? Do I expect too much from them? I don't know...am still trying to figure that out. I just know that if I have another love relationship, I'll try to do some things differently.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Snowy Day 2
Ahhh...so pretty! Had to add a photo from my walk this afternoon. I love how beautiful the world looks when it's all white and fluffy. So far, my power has stayed on, with no flickering, am hoping that it stays this way, as we have electric heat, and no other way to heat the apartment. Still, I'm loving this completely!
Snowy Day
I love snow! That's a good thing because we are getting hit quite hard with the white stuff. There's about 5 inches already on the ground, the roads are crappy, and I get to sit in my house, watching it fly. It's beautiful! This is also the first time that we've had measurable snow in the month of Oct. since 1979, and only the 3rd time that we've had measurable snow this month, since the late 1800's.
I know that I am fortunate, as I don't have to drive in it. It is messy. I don't HAVE to go anywhere today, because I was smart and took care of what I needed to do yesterday, so I get to stay home and just enjoy it. I'm cuddled up on my sofa, and I'm switching between the Penn State and Navy Football Games. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Football and SNOW! Whoo Hoo, I'm a happy camper!
I know that I am fortunate, as I don't have to drive in it. It is messy. I don't HAVE to go anywhere today, because I was smart and took care of what I needed to do yesterday, so I get to stay home and just enjoy it. I'm cuddled up on my sofa, and I'm switching between the Penn State and Navy Football Games. What a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Football and SNOW! Whoo Hoo, I'm a happy camper!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hurtful words
So, today, we had the Family Group Meeting for my 16 year old, and to be honest, it went well, and everyone had a chance to speak their minds, and be productive. I'm all for productive, as I can't stand to waste time, money, and energy...mainly because I have so little of all 3 of the above. There is more support on my ex-husband's side than I think we all realized, including him, which is an excellent thing...and right now, I'm hopeful that the future will be better. I'm still holding out all judgement until I see some follow through from everyone else involved, but that's to be expected, I'm sure.
As for the hurtful words, those came from my current husband who is soon to be an ex as well. We were talking on our cell phones, after we had left the meeting and were heading in our separate ways, and he said that he was able to spend more time with my son, and I asked how his schedule would allow for that, as his schedule and job have always taken precedence over everything else in our lives. I say OUR lives because it also affected me, and my life, his job. The man actually had the nerve to say to me the following sentence: and I quote: "I've now paid my dues, and have gotten to where I want to be in my career that I now have the freedom to choose how I spend my time". RRRREEEEAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????????????????? SERIOUSLY? You're actually saying this to me?
The reason that this specific statement was so hurtful was because this is the ONE thing that I had been begging him for for the past 14 years...Please spend more time with me, please spend more time with our kids, and he promised me that when he'd paid his dues, that there would be that time to spend with me and the kids...so I held on, I kept going, kept working just as hard as he did, raising the kids, keeping our home, working my 35+ hour a week job, as well as my volunteer position as an EMT to keep my skills up, and so, personally, I worked just as hard as he did, and to be perfectly honest, maybe harder, to get him where he wanted to get in his career field, so that WE, WE, could reap the benefits...but now, HE gets to reap them, and I am now working a part time job, looking for another part time job, and not seeing kids and grandkids because I can't afford it, and this was all part of that promise...that if we worked hard NOW, we could enjoy LATER...well, y'all...It's LATER...and I'm not getting the benefit of any of MY hard work, and my heart's been broken by this man, and now this? I am just really, really sad about it, and I don't know what to think. I know that the the world is NOT fair, but I really just want to shout like a 2 year old..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!"
When will I be able to reap the benefits of the hard work that I put into my life? That's my question...and I'm sure that it will stay unanswered for quite a long time because, truthfully, I don't think that I can trust another person with ME...who I am, how I feel, and what-not, because HE betrayed all of that, and it kills me that I am now so distrustful of other men. I don't trust what they say, and I want to, but I just can't. Not right now. Maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for me...I'm not so sure anymore, but if He does, and He's not just sitting up there laughing at me for believing my husband, and making my plans to reap the benefits of my hard work, then maybe someone will come into my life that will be too amazing to turn down...until then, I'm reserving my judgement.
As for the hurtful words, those came from my current husband who is soon to be an ex as well. We were talking on our cell phones, after we had left the meeting and were heading in our separate ways, and he said that he was able to spend more time with my son, and I asked how his schedule would allow for that, as his schedule and job have always taken precedence over everything else in our lives. I say OUR lives because it also affected me, and my life, his job. The man actually had the nerve to say to me the following sentence: and I quote: "I've now paid my dues, and have gotten to where I want to be in my career that I now have the freedom to choose how I spend my time". RRRREEEEAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????????????????? SERIOUSLY? You're actually saying this to me?
The reason that this specific statement was so hurtful was because this is the ONE thing that I had been begging him for for the past 14 years...Please spend more time with me, please spend more time with our kids, and he promised me that when he'd paid his dues, that there would be that time to spend with me and the kids...so I held on, I kept going, kept working just as hard as he did, raising the kids, keeping our home, working my 35+ hour a week job, as well as my volunteer position as an EMT to keep my skills up, and so, personally, I worked just as hard as he did, and to be perfectly honest, maybe harder, to get him where he wanted to get in his career field, so that WE, WE, could reap the benefits...but now, HE gets to reap them, and I am now working a part time job, looking for another part time job, and not seeing kids and grandkids because I can't afford it, and this was all part of that promise...that if we worked hard NOW, we could enjoy LATER...well, y'all...It's LATER...and I'm not getting the benefit of any of MY hard work, and my heart's been broken by this man, and now this? I am just really, really sad about it, and I don't know what to think. I know that the the world is NOT fair, but I really just want to shout like a 2 year old..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!"
When will I be able to reap the benefits of the hard work that I put into my life? That's my question...and I'm sure that it will stay unanswered for quite a long time because, truthfully, I don't think that I can trust another person with ME...who I am, how I feel, and what-not, because HE betrayed all of that, and it kills me that I am now so distrustful of other men. I don't trust what they say, and I want to, but I just can't. Not right now. Maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for me...I'm not so sure anymore, but if He does, and He's not just sitting up there laughing at me for believing my husband, and making my plans to reap the benefits of my hard work, then maybe someone will come into my life that will be too amazing to turn down...until then, I'm reserving my judgement.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Autumn is my favorite season
Ahhh.....Autumn is my favorite season of the year. I love it! The colors are fantastic, and just watching them change amazes me every year. Being back in PA makes my heart sing this year, with watching the change of season. I don't miss the humidity of the Summer, and I love the cool, crisp air, and there just seems to be a specific scent in the air, that is pungent, and rich. It seems full of the promise of the harvest, and the coming of Winter.
Of course, there are also the foods of Fall, that entice me as well. Chili, my Momma's apple cake, crab dips, Veggie Beef Soup, Beef Stew, Hot, openfaced Turkey Sandwiches, and Cream of Potato Soup. I can go on and on about Fall Foods. It's the time for casseroles, and soups, and these are the best months for shellfish...Crabs are fat, clams and oysters seem to be sweeter, and the lobster is awesome. For an East Coast Girl, there is not much better than Fall Seafood.
Then, we come to wardrobe. I love my sweaters, sweats, and woolens. I don't know what it is about the coziness of the clothing for this time of year, but I love it. The different layers to keep me warm, even though this is the first year that I've really felt chilly, and I'm completely enjoying that as well.
And finally, we come to the activities: Campfires, Roasting of Marshmallows, Jumping into the leaves, picking apples, Stargazing seems better this time of year too, and wine tastings...I prefer to taste wines this time of the year..oh, and warm wine? YUM!
So, come join me, enjoy the Autumn weather, get outside, do some sight seeing in your own town...go places that only the tourists go...You'll learn so much about your home. I love that. Going to places only the tourists go, because you get to watch people enjoy your home area, and you get to learn stuff too!
Of course, there are also the foods of Fall, that entice me as well. Chili, my Momma's apple cake, crab dips, Veggie Beef Soup, Beef Stew, Hot, openfaced Turkey Sandwiches, and Cream of Potato Soup. I can go on and on about Fall Foods. It's the time for casseroles, and soups, and these are the best months for shellfish...Crabs are fat, clams and oysters seem to be sweeter, and the lobster is awesome. For an East Coast Girl, there is not much better than Fall Seafood.
Then, we come to wardrobe. I love my sweaters, sweats, and woolens. I don't know what it is about the coziness of the clothing for this time of year, but I love it. The different layers to keep me warm, even though this is the first year that I've really felt chilly, and I'm completely enjoying that as well.
And finally, we come to the activities: Campfires, Roasting of Marshmallows, Jumping into the leaves, picking apples, Stargazing seems better this time of year too, and wine tastings...I prefer to taste wines this time of the year..oh, and warm wine? YUM!
So, come join me, enjoy the Autumn weather, get outside, do some sight seeing in your own town...go places that only the tourists go...You'll learn so much about your home. I love that. Going to places only the tourists go, because you get to watch people enjoy your home area, and you get to learn stuff too!
Craziness over the past few days.
The past few days have been crazy. I've been on the go since Friday. I loved the busyness of it all, and most of it was fun.
On Friday, I got a call from the best friend...which meant that I ended up at his place, and out dancing Friday night. He took me to this place called Rod's Roadhouse Cafe. We had a great time, and I spent the majority of the night on the dance floor shaking my groove thing! There was a live band, and a DJ, and the music was great! I love nights like that, where there's very little inhibition and I can really dance.
Saturday, was a day spent with Dan, his son, and Rachel, who is also one of Dan's sisters. Nice dinner, and then hanging out at the campfire, and roasting marshmallows, is always a great time.
Sunday, I had a couple of jobs to do, and had to go take photos of houses. I love that part of my job, as I work out of my car, and I get to drive all over Lancaster, Dauphin, York, and Lebanon Counties. I love the beauty of PA in the Fall. With the leaves turning vibrant colors, and the dog in the back seat, I'm a happy camper. Then, got to spend a little bit of time with my friend, Lamar, then back to Dan's for more campfire time with Rachel.
Work class on Monday, with Momma P. and Abby, and then lunch afterwards...always fun...and then today, working at the home office at Momma P's house with Momma P. and Abby. I love my job at the office too, and most of the time it doesn't seem like work, as we have a lot of fun too. I think it's important to enjoy one's work. It also helps that I work for Momma, and with Pap and Abby. It's a family business, and that makes it all the better. An even bigger plus, I get to take Libby with me...which makes my day even better. Love that dog!
Tomorrow, will be more work at the office, unless I have to take photos, and then we all have to be in Hanover, PA for my son's Family Group meeting. It's been a busy week, and it's not even Wednesday yet.
Hope that all of my "minions" are having good weeks as well.
On Friday, I got a call from the best friend...which meant that I ended up at his place, and out dancing Friday night. He took me to this place called Rod's Roadhouse Cafe. We had a great time, and I spent the majority of the night on the dance floor shaking my groove thing! There was a live band, and a DJ, and the music was great! I love nights like that, where there's very little inhibition and I can really dance.
Saturday, was a day spent with Dan, his son, and Rachel, who is also one of Dan's sisters. Nice dinner, and then hanging out at the campfire, and roasting marshmallows, is always a great time.
Sunday, I had a couple of jobs to do, and had to go take photos of houses. I love that part of my job, as I work out of my car, and I get to drive all over Lancaster, Dauphin, York, and Lebanon Counties. I love the beauty of PA in the Fall. With the leaves turning vibrant colors, and the dog in the back seat, I'm a happy camper. Then, got to spend a little bit of time with my friend, Lamar, then back to Dan's for more campfire time with Rachel.
Work class on Monday, with Momma P. and Abby, and then lunch afterwards...always fun...and then today, working at the home office at Momma P's house with Momma P. and Abby. I love my job at the office too, and most of the time it doesn't seem like work, as we have a lot of fun too. I think it's important to enjoy one's work. It also helps that I work for Momma, and with Pap and Abby. It's a family business, and that makes it all the better. An even bigger plus, I get to take Libby with me...which makes my day even better. Love that dog!
Tomorrow, will be more work at the office, unless I have to take photos, and then we all have to be in Hanover, PA for my son's Family Group meeting. It's been a busy week, and it's not even Wednesday yet.
Hope that all of my "minions" are having good weeks as well.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thankful Thursday
Today is Thursday....Thankful Thursday. It's a day where I try to remember to be thankful for at least one thing. I know that I should be thinking about this every day, but once a week is about all I can manage some weeks. Today, I'm thankful for the people who are in my son's life, who are working to get him into a better place than he's been in. I am talking about his family, his caseworker, his JPO, and anyone else that I have forgotten.
Thank you for your supporting me as well. I have needed everyone's support to deal with the stress of having a son who is making really bad decisions for himself, and not realizing that his actions affect everyone around him. I know that they have affected me deeply, and I'm sure they've affected his father as well. Neither Bob nor I know what else to do for this kid. At this point, it's out of my hands anyway, now that Children and Youth as well as Juvenile Probation are involved.
He will be starting a weekend camp thing, where he MUST report on Friday, hopefully starting next week, and be away from home until they bring him home on Sunday evening. It looks like a great program, and I'm hoping that my son will look at this as a growing experience, rather than a punishment.
Thanks again!
Thank you for your supporting me as well. I have needed everyone's support to deal with the stress of having a son who is making really bad decisions for himself, and not realizing that his actions affect everyone around him. I know that they have affected me deeply, and I'm sure they've affected his father as well. Neither Bob nor I know what else to do for this kid. At this point, it's out of my hands anyway, now that Children and Youth as well as Juvenile Probation are involved.
He will be starting a weekend camp thing, where he MUST report on Friday, hopefully starting next week, and be away from home until they bring him home on Sunday evening. It looks like a great program, and I'm hoping that my son will look at this as a growing experience, rather than a punishment.
Thanks again!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Going back through my blog
It was stated to me yesterday that my blog was nothing but bashing of the people who have hurt me. WOW! I've been blogging for about 2 months now, and I don't think that I'm all about bashing people...for me, this blog is a way for me to put my thoughts out there, and to re-evaluate them. Maybe to figure out what I'm thinking, and where I need to go. I'm guessing that this person never really read my blog or gave it a chance.
It's also what makes me think that I'm tired of pleasing everyone else in my life. Why is it that people seem to think that they have the right to say anything about what I do, or what I say? I do see those people paying my bills, or living my life. I don't see them banging down my front door to spend time with me, or calling me every day, let alone once a month! I don't understand why this person thinks it's ok to judge me. He has never been through a divorce...not as the divorcee, or the divorcer. He's never walked a day in my shoes, let alone a minute in them...and personally, I know that he wouldn't last a minute in my shoes.
Well, here's what I have to say about it all...it's my blog and I'll say what I want to say, about whatever topic I choose to write about. This is me being highly rebellious, and I DARE you to try to stop me!
It's also what makes me think that I'm tired of pleasing everyone else in my life. Why is it that people seem to think that they have the right to say anything about what I do, or what I say? I do see those people paying my bills, or living my life. I don't see them banging down my front door to spend time with me, or calling me every day, let alone once a month! I don't understand why this person thinks it's ok to judge me. He has never been through a divorce...not as the divorcee, or the divorcer. He's never walked a day in my shoes, let alone a minute in them...and personally, I know that he wouldn't last a minute in my shoes.
Well, here's what I have to say about it all...it's my blog and I'll say what I want to say, about whatever topic I choose to write about. This is me being highly rebellious, and I DARE you to try to stop me!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Guess who lost it on a State Employee today?
So, today, I totally flipped out on my son's caseworker. Last Wednesday, my son was supposed to be attending a Why Try class and guess who "forgot" to show up, yet again...and his NOT showing up just got him KICKED OUT of a condition of his probation. Now, here's my problem, my ex did NOT inform me of this, the caseworker didn't inform me of this, and neither did the Juvenile Probation Officer. Not only that, but he was late for school on Wednesday as well, and didn't ride the bus to school, nor did he ride the bus home from school...yet ANOTHER condition of probation blown off. Not only THAT issue, but NO ONE knew where my son was from 2:30 pm until 6:30 pm on Wednesday. My ex said that he watched David walk out to the bus stop, then saw David go to a friend's house to use their bathroom....REALLY? WOW! Why could he have not used the bathroom in his father's house? Why did he have to go to a friend's house? I'll tell you why...He was SMOKING POT, and THAT is also why he did not attend Wednesday's make up sessions, and why he said that he "lost his cell phone on the bus...kind of difficult to lose it on the bus when he was NOT even ON the bus...and we KNOW this, because caseworker, was at the bus stop in front of David's house on Wednesday afternoon...My ex made some kind of stupid excuse for him to the caseworker, and is trying to make it so that David is NOT kicked out, and I told caseworker, over my dead body...the boy had his chances and now, I am done. I am DEMANDING that they put that boy on an ankle monitor by Friday, or I am going to relinquish ALL of my parental rights to the boy. I REFUSE to go down with my ex and my son. I absolutely will NOT be going to jail for contempt of court, because these 2 people cannot get their shit together, and just DO what they need to do. If he in not in that ankle bracelet by Friday, I am hiring an attorney to do what needs to be done.
I don't understand why these 2 people in my life do NOT understand the gravity of this issue. A Children and Youth Judge is NOT the person to PISS OFF, the Juvenile Probation Officer is NOT the person to PISS OFF, and you don't PISS OFF the one person who is trying to help you, and that would be the caseworker! Now, we also have MOM who is totally pissed off too!
To top it all off, the school did NOT, yet again, inform me of David's tardiness on Wednesday either...the caseworker got it, but not me, his mother, the woman who has been begging the school to help her, to be able to help THEM, help my son! They don't listen to me either. I think I'm going to have to call the ACLU and sue the school district over this one. I've only been asking for years for information from the school, AND I have a court order that says that since I have shared legal custody of said child, they MUST send me EVERYTHING that they send my ex.
I will NOT be paying a SINGLE RED PENNY in fines, I will NOT go to jail, as they will HAVE to put me on suicide watch...I am very claustrophobic, and that will kill me. There's a reason that I have NEVER been in trouble with the law...I am TERRIFIED of being in a 6'X8' cell, with a toilet in the middle of it...like I'm really going to use a toilet in the middle of a room, where everyone else can see me...who are they kidding? Oh, HELL NO!!! It will NEVER happen.
Poor caseworker had to put up with my foul mouth today, because yes, I took it there, because they don't seem to listen when I am just talking to them...and NOW, the truth is that I like caseworker, but what I am so frustrated over is the fact that when we in the courtroom for David's criminal trial, the Judge told David that IF he missed ONE more Why Try class that he'd be on that ankle bracelet. So, in the 7 days between court appearances, he missed the ONLY class that he had to attend...Judge did NOT follow through on his THREAT of ankle bracelet...so, now my son thinks this is a big joke, and that he can get away with things, because they don't follow through. His father NEVER follows through, and that's why David does NOT want to live with me, because I ALWAYS follow through with what I threaten...ask Shayna, Andrew, Christopher, and even Jennie...They KNEW what the consequences were for bad behavior, and I never ONCE issued an idle threat. If I said it, I meant it, and punishment was swift and fit the crime. Am wondering WHY the juvenile justice system can't do the same thing.
I now have to find an attorney, to cover my ass in all of this, but I'm not going down with the idiots, who are NOT taking any of this seriously. I am not willing to pay the price of my freedom for other people's stupidity. Stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!
I don't understand why these 2 people in my life do NOT understand the gravity of this issue. A Children and Youth Judge is NOT the person to PISS OFF, the Juvenile Probation Officer is NOT the person to PISS OFF, and you don't PISS OFF the one person who is trying to help you, and that would be the caseworker! Now, we also have MOM who is totally pissed off too!
To top it all off, the school did NOT, yet again, inform me of David's tardiness on Wednesday either...the caseworker got it, but not me, his mother, the woman who has been begging the school to help her, to be able to help THEM, help my son! They don't listen to me either. I think I'm going to have to call the ACLU and sue the school district over this one. I've only been asking for years for information from the school, AND I have a court order that says that since I have shared legal custody of said child, they MUST send me EVERYTHING that they send my ex.
I will NOT be paying a SINGLE RED PENNY in fines, I will NOT go to jail, as they will HAVE to put me on suicide watch...I am very claustrophobic, and that will kill me. There's a reason that I have NEVER been in trouble with the law...I am TERRIFIED of being in a 6'X8' cell, with a toilet in the middle of it...like I'm really going to use a toilet in the middle of a room, where everyone else can see me...who are they kidding? Oh, HELL NO!!! It will NEVER happen.
Poor caseworker had to put up with my foul mouth today, because yes, I took it there, because they don't seem to listen when I am just talking to them...and NOW, the truth is that I like caseworker, but what I am so frustrated over is the fact that when we in the courtroom for David's criminal trial, the Judge told David that IF he missed ONE more Why Try class that he'd be on that ankle bracelet. So, in the 7 days between court appearances, he missed the ONLY class that he had to attend...Judge did NOT follow through on his THREAT of ankle bracelet...so, now my son thinks this is a big joke, and that he can get away with things, because they don't follow through. His father NEVER follows through, and that's why David does NOT want to live with me, because I ALWAYS follow through with what I threaten...ask Shayna, Andrew, Christopher, and even Jennie...They KNEW what the consequences were for bad behavior, and I never ONCE issued an idle threat. If I said it, I meant it, and punishment was swift and fit the crime. Am wondering WHY the juvenile justice system can't do the same thing.
I now have to find an attorney, to cover my ass in all of this, but I'm not going down with the idiots, who are NOT taking any of this seriously. I am not willing to pay the price of my freedom for other people's stupidity. Stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Take a walk in my shoes for once
I think that there comes a time when a person just has to say forget it all...that it just doesn't matter anymore. Mostly, that's my problem, I care too much about some people, and it's my biggest weakness. Maybe if I were more able to just let it all roll off of my back, then I just might be a bit happier. If I could just learn to say that it doesn't matter, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.
It amazes me as to how quickly people can judge another person, without walking in their shoes, or having any clue as to what that person is going through. I guess their lives are so perfect that they feel that they have the right to look down on everyone else, and shit on them.
There's an old saying that says "Before you judge another person, walk a mile in their shoes, then you'll be a mile away from them, AND you'll have their shoes". Personally, I think it's a good idea for people who live in glass houses to not throw stones...because the minute that you do that, your house will fall apart.
Personally, I hope that the people who are judging me don't EVER have to feel the way that I feel, or go through what I've gone through, and what I am going through. Personally, I think that I've handled things pretty darn well for everything. I'm hurting, I'm not all right, I'm not ready to be all right either. It's not that I want to wallow in my grief, and hurt, but that I need to GO through it to get over it. I put my big girl panties on pretty much every day, and deal with it...because as y'all know, my life is too full of HAVE TO'S to NOT do that. Y'all also know that I am sick to death of HAVE TO'S.
I don't understand how people can look down on me, but not really KNOW what I'm dealing with. I'd like to know how I'm supposed to live on 1700 dollars a month, while my ex lives on a lot more. I'd like to know how in the heck I am supposed to do that, when I worked just as hard as he did to get our family where it was, but now, now that HE made decisions, that affected the whole damn family, that it's all my fault. Whatever...When y'all are done walking that mile in my shoes, I'd like them back, please...as they are MY shoes, and for the most part, I like them.
It amazes me as to how quickly people can judge another person, without walking in their shoes, or having any clue as to what that person is going through. I guess their lives are so perfect that they feel that they have the right to look down on everyone else, and shit on them.
There's an old saying that says "Before you judge another person, walk a mile in their shoes, then you'll be a mile away from them, AND you'll have their shoes". Personally, I think it's a good idea for people who live in glass houses to not throw stones...because the minute that you do that, your house will fall apart.
Personally, I hope that the people who are judging me don't EVER have to feel the way that I feel, or go through what I've gone through, and what I am going through. Personally, I think that I've handled things pretty darn well for everything. I'm hurting, I'm not all right, I'm not ready to be all right either. It's not that I want to wallow in my grief, and hurt, but that I need to GO through it to get over it. I put my big girl panties on pretty much every day, and deal with it...because as y'all know, my life is too full of HAVE TO'S to NOT do that. Y'all also know that I am sick to death of HAVE TO'S.
I don't understand how people can look down on me, but not really KNOW what I'm dealing with. I'd like to know how I'm supposed to live on 1700 dollars a month, while my ex lives on a lot more. I'd like to know how in the heck I am supposed to do that, when I worked just as hard as he did to get our family where it was, but now, now that HE made decisions, that affected the whole damn family, that it's all my fault. Whatever...When y'all are done walking that mile in my shoes, I'd like them back, please...as they are MY shoes, and for the most part, I like them.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Punishment?
This has been an interesting week. Besides going to get my bridal set looked at, I also went and got a library card...one more step towards my fully being a resident of PA. I've been told that I'm bitter by my ex, who even though he's doing exactly what I asked him to do, and am thrilled that he's doing it, I can't give him the correct emotion that he's expecting....He's expecting me to be bitter....Can't give him that, so yet again, I'm not doing what he wants me to do.
Then I found out that my son is pissed off at me because I didn't call HIM on my 2 and 4 year grandson's birthdays, and that's why he didn't call ME on my birthday. So, now, he's punishing me because I didn't do what HE expected me to do. Just more of the same...I don't what people expect of me, and then I get punished for it...Instead of calling me, and asking, hey MOM? Did you forget? Are you ok? or even: It really hurt me that you didn't call on the boy's birthdays. Which would have given me a chance to apologize. But, I suppose that I don't deserve to be told the truth. So, at this point, I think that I'm going to follow some advice, that I know will hurt me so much, but maybe just maybe, it's time to cut some people out of my life...even though these are people that I raised, and cared for, fought for, fed, paid their rent, made sure that they had everything that they needed, and some of what they wanted, and that even though I did the best that I could, with what I had to be a good mother, it wasn't enough. So, here I am again, feeling like NOT ENOUGH.
So, what I have found is that for some people, I will never be enough...I won't be a good enough mother, a good enough wife, or whatever it is that they think that I should be...I will NEVER be perfect, so, I think they need to get used to that.
I hate feeling as though I can't ever do anything well enough...I suppose that these same people think that I'm not working through my own issues, and my feelings of grief over the loss of my marriage, and my children, well enough either. I guess that I'm supposed to be "over" it already. I guess they don't understand how devastating it is to be told by your husband that he doesn't love you anymore, and that you are nothing more than a friend to him, is something that I'm just supposed to get over quickly. I'm sorry that I'm not healing quickly enough for y'all. I'm sorry that you feel that I was a terrible wife, and a terrible mother. I'm sorry that I couldn't do better for you. All in all, I'm sorry....Can the punishment stop now please?
Then I found out that my son is pissed off at me because I didn't call HIM on my 2 and 4 year grandson's birthdays, and that's why he didn't call ME on my birthday. So, now, he's punishing me because I didn't do what HE expected me to do. Just more of the same...I don't what people expect of me, and then I get punished for it...Instead of calling me, and asking, hey MOM? Did you forget? Are you ok? or even: It really hurt me that you didn't call on the boy's birthdays. Which would have given me a chance to apologize. But, I suppose that I don't deserve to be told the truth. So, at this point, I think that I'm going to follow some advice, that I know will hurt me so much, but maybe just maybe, it's time to cut some people out of my life...even though these are people that I raised, and cared for, fought for, fed, paid their rent, made sure that they had everything that they needed, and some of what they wanted, and that even though I did the best that I could, with what I had to be a good mother, it wasn't enough. So, here I am again, feeling like NOT ENOUGH.
So, what I have found is that for some people, I will never be enough...I won't be a good enough mother, a good enough wife, or whatever it is that they think that I should be...I will NEVER be perfect, so, I think they need to get used to that.
I hate feeling as though I can't ever do anything well enough...I suppose that these same people think that I'm not working through my own issues, and my feelings of grief over the loss of my marriage, and my children, well enough either. I guess that I'm supposed to be "over" it already. I guess they don't understand how devastating it is to be told by your husband that he doesn't love you anymore, and that you are nothing more than a friend to him, is something that I'm just supposed to get over quickly. I'm sorry that I'm not healing quickly enough for y'all. I'm sorry that you feel that I was a terrible wife, and a terrible mother. I'm sorry that I couldn't do better for you. All in all, I'm sorry....Can the punishment stop now please?
Friday, October 14, 2011
Inscriptions
I went to the jewelers on Wednesday, to see what could be done with my bridal set. I'm never going to wear it again, and I just can't see selling it, since the marriage ended in divorce, I didn't want to see another woman wearing my rings. So, I decided a while ago that I would melt down the gold, and make something really pretty and new with the diamonds. After all, the diamonds were purchased for ME, and if that diamond company's sales pitch is correct, Diamonds are for Forever. So, I'm going to get 2 pieces of jewelry out of my set...a pair of diamond earrings (that Kent thought I didn't deserve), and a beautiful pendant.
While at the jewelry store, the jeweler was getting a good look at my rings, and said "Whoa, there are inscriptions in these rings". "Yes", I said, "which is exactly why I want to watch y'all melt down my rings". I also couldn't imagine another woman walking around, wearing MY rings, with the inscriptions in them, as they are nothing more than empty words and broken promises to me. Chalk it up to me thinking that my rings are bad luck, and I also wouldn't want another woman walking around, wearing my bad luck rings.
The inscription in my engagement ring is: "Love Of My Life", and the inscription in my wedding bad is: "Forever Loving You". Now, maybe y'all can understand why I want to watch them melt down those words. Those were words that I believed in, and trusted. Now, those words are a broken promise, and only cause me pain. I can't even explain as to how much those words hurt me. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, because I truly did put all of my trust into those empty words. Now, I'm sure that at the time that Kent had them engraved to say those things, that he meant them, but the problem with engraving a bridal set is that the wedding vows are supposed to be "until death us do part", not "until I fall out of love with you".
Then, for Christmas last year, Kent bought me a Claddah ring. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an Irish symbol of love, loyalty, and friendship. The hands (friendship) hold a heart (love), that is wearing a crown (loyalty). There is also meaning in how and where the ring is worn. If it is worn on the right hand, with the heart's point pointing away from the wrist, it means that your heart is open for love, if it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing towards your wrist, it means that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are wearing that ring on your left hand, and the heart is facing away from your wrist, you are engaged to be married, and if it is facing your wrist, you are married. It was so wrong of him to have bought me THAT ring this past Christmas, because he KNEW he was going to ask me for a divorce. When I opened it, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he really did love me still, and wanted to work on our marriage. I was wrong, so very wrong...and I'm not sure that I'd confronted those feelings up until recently. I can't believe that I actually believed that he'd want to stay married to me. I also can't believe how raw that makes me feel, and how vulnerable it makes me feel to express how much that hurt me. Not just express it, but to confront it as well.
My heart has been stomped on so much this past year, and it really just can't take too much more. It wants so much to believe that there is really someone out there for me, but in wanting to believe that, it means that I have to put my heart out there for someone to smash it to bits again, and I really don't know if my heart could take that again. I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, and protect it forever. I'm not so sure that I'll allow myself to trust someone else to protect it, that's for sure. I want that, I really do, but I don't know that I'm ready for it.
So, about those inscriptions in my bridal set...I don't believe those words either. Empty promises, as usual. And then there's anger at myself for believing them, for believing in him, and for trusting that he'd always be there, loving me, forever loving me.
While at the jewelry store, the jeweler was getting a good look at my rings, and said "Whoa, there are inscriptions in these rings". "Yes", I said, "which is exactly why I want to watch y'all melt down my rings". I also couldn't imagine another woman walking around, wearing MY rings, with the inscriptions in them, as they are nothing more than empty words and broken promises to me. Chalk it up to me thinking that my rings are bad luck, and I also wouldn't want another woman walking around, wearing my bad luck rings.
The inscription in my engagement ring is: "Love Of My Life", and the inscription in my wedding bad is: "Forever Loving You". Now, maybe y'all can understand why I want to watch them melt down those words. Those were words that I believed in, and trusted. Now, those words are a broken promise, and only cause me pain. I can't even explain as to how much those words hurt me. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, because I truly did put all of my trust into those empty words. Now, I'm sure that at the time that Kent had them engraved to say those things, that he meant them, but the problem with engraving a bridal set is that the wedding vows are supposed to be "until death us do part", not "until I fall out of love with you".
Then, for Christmas last year, Kent bought me a Claddah ring. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an Irish symbol of love, loyalty, and friendship. The hands (friendship) hold a heart (love), that is wearing a crown (loyalty). There is also meaning in how and where the ring is worn. If it is worn on the right hand, with the heart's point pointing away from the wrist, it means that your heart is open for love, if it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing towards your wrist, it means that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are wearing that ring on your left hand, and the heart is facing away from your wrist, you are engaged to be married, and if it is facing your wrist, you are married. It was so wrong of him to have bought me THAT ring this past Christmas, because he KNEW he was going to ask me for a divorce. When I opened it, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he really did love me still, and wanted to work on our marriage. I was wrong, so very wrong...and I'm not sure that I'd confronted those feelings up until recently. I can't believe that I actually believed that he'd want to stay married to me. I also can't believe how raw that makes me feel, and how vulnerable it makes me feel to express how much that hurt me. Not just express it, but to confront it as well.
My heart has been stomped on so much this past year, and it really just can't take too much more. It wants so much to believe that there is really someone out there for me, but in wanting to believe that, it means that I have to put my heart out there for someone to smash it to bits again, and I really don't know if my heart could take that again. I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, and protect it forever. I'm not so sure that I'll allow myself to trust someone else to protect it, that's for sure. I want that, I really do, but I don't know that I'm ready for it.
So, about those inscriptions in my bridal set...I don't believe those words either. Empty promises, as usual. And then there's anger at myself for believing them, for believing in him, and for trusting that he'd always be there, loving me, forever loving me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Truth
truth
[trooth]
Show IPAnoun, plural truths [trooth
z, trooths] Show IPA.
z, trooths] Show IPA.1.
2.
conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement.
3.
a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths.
4.
the state or character of being true.
5.
actuality or actual existence.
So, today, I'm thinking about the above word: TRUTH. What it comes down to is that we're all searching for the truth, but what truth is it that we are all searching for? Is it YOUR truth, MY truth, or the truth that just is? Ask any divorce attorney, and they'll tell you that TRUTH lies somewhere in between his side of the story, and her side of the story, however to both parties in a divorce, each person believes their own truth. Each person's truth has to do with their own reality....
A few days ago, a friend made an observation about my blog, and what I am blogging about, and I found her thoughts very interesting. She said that I was searching for my own truth in all of this, and she finds my blog very refreshing because I'm actually speaking about the truth of things.
I'm not sure that my side of the divorce is correct, but it is as far as I am concerned. I AM putting my feelings out there in cyberspace, I AM using my blog to figure out who I am, what I want, what I need, and what is MY truth. My blog isn't for everyone, and I certainly don't think that everyone should read it. Truthfully, I'm not sure if my ex has ever read it, and I don't really care if he does...and IF he does, maybe he'll see where I am coming from, because he didn't listen to me when I needed him to listen to me, because I wasn't the number one priority in his life, as a wife should have been.
I'm also not claiming to be an angel in our marriage, I did plenty wrong, and I've been examining that as well. I still just think that being me, and knowing what I know, and what I need, my needs were NOT being met, and hadn't ever really been met, because I was too busy meeting everyone else's needs to realize what my own needs were. Maybe because I didn't expect them to be met, maybe because I didn't make sure that they were being met, and maybe because I was too lonely to realize what I needed in my relationships, and just overlooked it, and therefore, made some bad choices in marrying the men that I married because I didn't want to be alone, or because I felt that I needed to be married. Who knows, at this point, I'm not so sure...but either way, the failure of those marriages was not solely my fault.
So, back to the above definition of truth, the one that I think I'm going to concentrate upon is #4: The state or character of being True. That's what I want...I want to stay true to my words, true to myself, and true to what I want and need. I think that it just might be the greatest gift that I could give to myself. Instead of looking at the here and now, I need to look more to the future, and how my immediate decisions will affect my future, instead of making snap decisions. I'm hoping that holding my temper, holding my words, and holding myself will make me a better human being. I'm hoping that in thinking things through before doing anything, that I'm making myself a better human being. I think that IS my truth, that all that I really want is to be a better human being, and what I really need is to work towards that.
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